How the Term "Boundaries" Can Be Misused in Conflicts

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Given the recent viral arguments taking place on social media debating therapeutic terms like boundaries, coercive control, ultimatums, and consent—specifically regarding the onetime couple of surfer Sarah Brady and actor Jonah Hill—I thought defining and discussing these terms could be a helpful tool for many dating and/or established partners out there.

What seems to be happening out there on social media platforms like Instagram and Twitter is a war of words about power during relationships and after a breakup. As these two people are public figures and not known to me, I won’t claim to know what went on in their relationship, but I think there are many lessons here for people out there entering into, or already in emotionally committed relationships, that I’d like to help—defining and clarifying these therapy terms.

Boundaries

According to The American Psychological Association, a boundary is "a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity."

In psychotherapy sessions, therapists help their clients set boundaries when they:

• are more concerned with pleasing someone else than listening to their own needs
• need to create space to reflect quietly to consider their own needs first
• have not had past experiences or childhoods of having their needs validated by others
• require counseling to develop the skills needed to express their needs to another person.

Many times these clients have been taught, either explicitly or implicitly in their family of origin and/or community, that their desires or needs are not as important as others around them. This kind of psychological modeling could have come from parents, siblings, grandparents, a religious leader, a romantic partner, and/or the community as a whole. For example, a client who was routinely told she was selfish each time she sought help with her anxiety over schoolwork as a kid, or when a classmate bullied her, became an adult who felt like an imposter at work and submitted to every demand her boss made of her, even when it was above and beyond what was expected of her colleagues.

In a romantic relationship, a boundary is a request by one partner that actually enhances the relationship. For example, a partner requests that his girlfriend make more of an effort to arrive on time for the dates they’ve agreed to because it shows that she has respect for their agreements and for the time they’ve carved out to be with one another.

Another example regarding a sexual encounter that I’ve heard frequently in therapy sessions occurs when a woman requests that her husband refrains from abruptly touching her breasts right after she’s consented to be intimate with him, as it is a sexual turn-off rather than a turn-on. When a person hasn’t had these kinds of requests modeled in a healthy manner growing up, they lack the confidence, skill, and "sex esteem" to listen to their needs and make these requests smoothly.

Alternatively, if they’ve seen a parent make demands, threats, or demeaning comments when asking the other parent to change a behavior, the child has witnessed coercion.

Boundaries Can Prevent Future Heartache

In the Netflix show Jewish Matchmaker, a religious, single women named Fay goes out with a man named Shaya. They seem to enjoy one another’s company, and sense of humor, and they both practice Orthodox Judaism and are looking for a spouse whom they can marry and and have children with.

However, when Fay says that it’s important to her that her husband pray with a group of other men three times a day and devote himself to studying the Torah, Shaya lets her know that he prays on his own in the morning and that otherwise he’s not a studious kind of Jew. She gives it some thought after the date and in a respectful manner lets him know that this wouldn’t fit with what she’s looking for in a family. They part on good terms as each understands and respects the other's religious boundaries. After deep reflection—we even see a scene of Shaya talking to his rabbi about his ambivalence—they agree that they are not each other’s people.

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Implicit vs. Explicit Boundaries

Back to the Jonah Hill/ Sarah Brady drama: Why are so many people defending Hill and attacking Sarah Brady? It's because she released texts she received from her ex in public without his permission. While sharing private texts between two people (at least those not related to a crime) is not illegal, Brady may have broken a relational boundary: Partners assume that what is shared between them is to be kept from public scrutiny via social media.

This is what we would call an implicit agreement. However, as a couple and sex therapist with many years of practice, I can tell you that this is one of the all-time misunderstandings in most relationships: Don’t rely on implicit agreements. Why? Because what one partner may consider private information the other may feel freer to share either with close friends or with the world. That is why having meaningful conversations about what boundaries you want to keep in your relationship, especially around the sharing of intimate information, is so important.

Secondly, expecting certain boundaries to be adhered to can also be misused by partners who are either trying to control the actions of the other or are beginning to groom the partner for future emotional abuse and/or physical abuse. I believe that the many folks online who are angrily reacting to Hill’s alleged use of the term “boundaries” view this usage as a covert step towards manipulative control and coercion (which I’ll talk about in a future post).

The fact that Brady claims to have taken down some of the photos from Instagram that Hill allegedly found disagreeable or objectionable has been interpreted by many of her online followers as evidence that she was being coerced. But was it?

Differentiation

One concept I teach partners is “differentiation,” which means that you can remain confident in understanding how to nourish and expand your self-esteem while respecting your partner to have different ways of doing so for themselves without damaging the relationship.

For example, one partner might depend on their yoga practice and community for helping them keep their mental health stable and their body equally strong. If their partner isn’t as physically agile but has a good sense of differentiation, they can lift and support their partner’s commitment to their work/health balance without viewing it as a negative reflection on them. Another way to express differentiation?: You do you, I’ll do me.

Deposit Photos

What if the texter (allegedly Hill), revealed by Brady on her Instagram, instead wrote: When I see you in the photos, I feel insecure of losing you to another man. It triggers my jealousy and anxiety when you post photos of yourself in a bathing suit and I’m not sure how I will handle this going forward. But you shouldn’t change what makes you special and vital. You do you, I’ll do me. And I don’t think I can show up as a supportive partner for you in the way you deserve. I’m so sorry, there’s nothing critical I am saying about your actions, this is about work I need to do or the type of partner I would be better suited to. This is not on you, this is on me to figure out.

What are the Lessons Learned Here?

• Don't become deeply involved with someone who carries a fantasy that you will change your daily behaviors, dress, career, praying habits, or social groups to be your significant other.
• Don't try to diminish someone’s strengths and vitality because you’re feeling more insecure or anxious about it. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, even if that heat initially really turns you on.
• Do create written agreements about how texts between you will be kept confidential and private during the relationship, and if it doesn’t work out after a relationship ends.
• Do make agreements about what information between you is to be kept private and what can be shared with close friends and/or family.