Navigating Complex Emotions on Mother's Day

I recently came upon the story of a Michigan mother who was sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to relentlessly and anonymously cyberbullying her own teenager daughter. While reading comments about this true story—which has now inspired a film—I was struck by how difficult Mother’s Day can be for people who have complex and traumatic experiences involving their mothers. After all, as one comment on the story read: “mothers are often [their child's] first bully”.

For mistreated children, adult or not, Mother’s Day can be a particularly difficult holiday because the idealized image of the mother-child relationship, one of care and sacrifice on the mother’s end, is extremely pronounced and may be completely incongruous with one’s own experience with their mother: The depiction of idealized motherhood can impose a profound sense of grief and confusion for those with difficult or non-existent relationships with their mothers. Further, these depictions of the idealized mother-child relationship can remind people of what they feel they should have—a nurturing, loving, and kind mother. In fact, it may feel as though having anything but this sort of mother-child relationship is wrong, and not having a relationship at all is taboo.

Even the significance tied to the word "mother," in fact, comes with many "shoulds”—not only the type of mother we should have, but what we should do with the mother we do have. For instance, we should call and honor our mothers, we should reciprocate their kindness and love, we should acknowledge their sacrifices, and most poignantly, we should have a relationship with our mothers that makes Mother’s Day worth celebrating. However, as famed psychoanalyst Karen Horney wrote, this “tyranny of the shoulds” can split us from our real selves to our idealized selves, which might be someone who has a close and kind relationship with their mother. This dissonance can lead to internalized shame and blame over our perceived failings and weaknesses to have a close mother-child relationship.

For those who find Mother’s Day particularly challenging, you are not alone. There are several actions you can take that can help with the complex emotions that may arise:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Allow yourself to sit with and fully feel your emotions, which might include anger, resentment, sadness, and grief. Recognize and validate your feelings rather than suppress them, which may mean grieving the relationship with your mother you wish you had.

2. Remember the ‘Real’: Let go of the idealized "shoulds." Remind yourself that while healthy adult relationships require effort from both parties, in the case of the mother-child relationship, as a child you were fully or nearly fully dependent on your mother. It was not your responsibility to create a healthy and loving relationship. As an adult, you can choose to maintain or fix a strained relationship, but you are not at fault for the relationship you had with your mother as a child. After all, you did not create it. Reflecting on this can help release some of the guilt or responsibility you may feel.

3. Celebrate Your Boundaries: Feel proud of yourself for establishing and maintaining boundaries that protect your well-being. Setting boundaries is a sign of self-respect and self-care, and it's OK to distance yourself from relationships that are harmful.

4. Celebrate Your Self-Care: Acknowledge the nurturing role you now play for your inner child. Be proud of the caregiver you have become to yourself, providing the care, love, and protection that you may not have received from your own mother.

5. Seek Out Resources: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Breaking from Your Parents: Setting a New Precedent for Your Life and Our Species by Daniel Mackler are recommended.

6. Seek Support: If Mother's Day feels particularly overwhelming, speaking to a therapist can help.

Remember, as a mistreated child, prioritizing your emotional well-being, particularly on this difficult holiday, is a sign of self-love and healing. Best wishes to you.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.