Rebuilding Trust After Heartbreak

Couple heals after broken trust and heartbreak.

Source: Heather Mount/Unsplash

Trust serves as the foundation upon which intimacy is built. When we gift a new person a vulnerable piece of ourselves, and that individual responds with respect, love, and attention, trust is established and the seed of connection is planted.

But trust isn’t just about connecting more deeply with another human being. A trusting relationship also helps us connect more deeply with ourselves, allowing ourselves to flourish through the self-awareness and self-love we tapped into. We have confidence that our feelings, needs, and boundaries will be respected and honored.

But what happens when trust is broken and a side of our partner we’ve never seen before suddenly and unexpectedly surfaces? This causes a rupture in the commitments and promises we made to each other.

The Fragile Nature of Trust After Heartbreak

Heartbreak erodes intimacy, at times leading to self-doubt, overthinking, and powerlessness. You might ask yourself: “Was any of it even real?” We asked this because when we are betrayed, abandoned, or lied to by someone we trusted with our life, it makes us doubt our perception of reality and the intentions of others.

Heartbreak is often described as being as painful as physical injury. Neurobiologically, rejection or betrayal activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain, particularly the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula. The brain responds by releasing stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline, which prepare the body for a "fight or flight" response. The release of stress hormones can disrupt the balance of those “feel-good” neurotransmitters, like serotonin and dopamine, causing mood instability and a lack of well-being. In severe cases, deep relational trauma and the resulting chronic stress can even alter brain structures related to memory and emotional expression.

5 Essential Steps to Repairing Trust After Heartbreak

And, yet, despite the emotional and physical pain of heartbreak, many couples show up in therapy week after week to find a way to trust each other again. Sue Johnson said it best: “New beginnings start with knowing how we create the trap that we are caught in, how we have deprived ourselves of the love we need. Strong bonds grow from resolving to halt the cycles of disconnection, the dances of distress” (Johnson, 2008).

The following steps are known to halt these distressing cycles and assist the repair process:

1. Acknowledge the hurt: The first step in repairing trust after heartbreak is to openly acknowledge the emotional pain that the betrayal has caused. It’s crucial for both you and your partner to recognize and validate the emotional injury, allowing space for the hurt to be expressed and understood without excuses or defensiveness. This is so much more than an “I am sorry I hurt you” comment from your partner. This needs to be a deeply authentic and emotionally attuned apology that resonates within your body until you experience a sense of "Yes, they get it."
2. Create moments for vulnerability: This step is about trying again. It involves re-creating opportunities for both partners to vocalize fears, needs, and hopes, even though doing so may feel risky and uncertain. Re-creating moments for vulnerability begins with establishing a safe space for honest dialogue and taking the risk again at sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. Simple acts like holding hands, maintaining eye contact, and using "I feel" statements can help this stage of the process, along with making our partner feel accepted in their vulnerability.
3. Understand the underlying issues: Once we begin practicing vulnerability again in the relationship, we can take the next step in focusing on even more sensitive subjects—the underlying issues that contributed to the breach of trust. This does not mean making excuses for bad behavior. It does mean, however, aligning as allies instead of enemies so you both can reflect on emotional disconnection or unresolved conflicts within the relationship. “Relationship deep-dives,” where each partner shares how relationship patterns impact them on deeper levels, are a helpful way to explore underlying issues and unmet needs. The listening partner responds with empathy, acknowledging the emotions and showing understanding, such as saying, "I didn’t realize how scared and alone you felt, and I’m sorry for my part in that."
4. Embrace forgiveness: Forgiveness is vital if you are choosing to stay together. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t matter. Forgiveness is first a decision, not a feeling. It involves a conscious choice to not let a painful event define the entire relationship. Once we have carefully processed the underlying issues, we commit to focusing energy on bringing closure to the pain and restoring the bond. It’s a step that requires tenderness and effort from both partners. An important side note is this: If you cannot forgive, it does not make you a bad person. But it may mean you need to explore other options for your future together.
5. Create a new vision forward: Creating a new vision for your relationship involves redefining what makes your bond special. Consider what rituals of connection, like regular date nights or specific acts of thoughtfulness, can grow your connection moving forward. It involves brainstorming how you’ll handle future challenges constructively and planning how to use productive communication and repair techniques. Lastly, this vision is also about reauthoring the story of the relationship with a shared sense of meaning in what you all have been through.

Rebuilding trust takes time and consistency. Ultimately, this can lead to the cultivation of a new secure attachment where both you and your partner feel safe, valued, and emotionally connected (Johnson, 2013).

Moving Forward With Renewed Trust

Choosing to stay with someone after trust has been broken is a difficult decision and may not be the choice you ultimately make for your relationship. That is also OK. It is important to honor the profound impact that heartbreak can have on us. While it’s true that such experiences change us, they can also serve as an opportunity for positive change when approached with intention.