Are You Socially Intelligent? Here Are Six Steps to Get There

You know that person who can walk into any room and seamlessly converse with others, regardless of their background? That individual likely has high social intelligence. Arguably more important than a high IQ, social intelligence largely determines the quality of our relationships and is essential to our success.

As a driver of our capacity to be empathetic and assertive in our interactions, social intelligence is inextricably linked to emotional and somatic intelligence, the two other competencies which shape human behavior. (Note: if you are just joining me in this series, I encourage you to read my articles on emotional and somatic intelligence.)

The importance of forming strong relationships at work cannot be understated—your professional success and that of the company hinges on it. From greater creativity and innovation to more effective decision-making, those of us who take the time to cultivate relationships often reap the benefits. Beyond business, strong connections can promote happiness and fulfillment within.

In his book The Leaders Brain, Michael Platt examines the social brain network, an interconnected set of brain areas which is the driver of all social interactions. Unlike somatic intelligence, social intelligence is not embedded in our inherent physical nature—it is wired over the years through repeated interactions. A self-proclaimed introvert, even Oprah wasn’t a natural social prodigy—that couch was her teacher. You, too, can grow this vital muscle.

Do you want to cultivate the capacity to effortlessly engage with anyone? Here are six proven ways to increase your social intelligence:

1. Pay attention to sensory cues.

Often, people’s body language will tell us a great deal about how they are feeling, even if they are not saying it. Try to tune in to what the other person is saying “physically” as well as the tone of their voice. If the listener slouches and appears physically uninterested during a conversation, the speaker may lose confidence in what they are saying, spoiling the interaction.

2. Start mindfulness practice.

Get into the habit of taking 10 deep breaths before every meeting. Focusing on the breath is a powerful way to reset the rhythm of your body and mind. Oftentimes, 10 focused breaths are all it takes to launch into the next task, refreshed and productive. And it puts you in the right frame of mind to do step 3.

3. Notice when your judgments are driving your conversations.

At one time or another, you may have found yourself evaluating how someone was dressed, spoke, whether what they said was right or wrong, and compared yourself to them. We have all fallen into judging others. Feeding into this negative loop is the biggest derailer to social intelligence, as it limits your attentiveness and capacity to empathize with others. When we are judging others, we are also multitasking. And we have proof that humans are mediocre multitaskers. You also are missing so much useful information that could be used to make better decisions and solve so many problems more effectively.

To assess the judge in you, intentionally watch the news from a place of compassion. See how long it takes for you to move into judgment. So, the next time a judgmental thought pops up, observe your mind as a spectator. You will soon learn you can achieve more success and positive relationships without even thinking about comparison or competition.

4. Look others in the eye.

If direct eye contact is a challenge for you, I urge you to start building your comfort level with it. A key aspect of high social intelligence, we can gauge what another is feeling by looking into the proverbial “window to their soul.” The National Institute for Physiological Sciences in Japan determined that eye contact prepares the brain to understand the intentions and actions of others.

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Are you ever on the receiving end of a conversation with a person who has a wandering eye? Though this behavior can be a useful way to visualize what is being said, what you are seeing when you look away can distract you, not to mention the listener is at least subliminally aware you are not invested in the conversation. Practice repeatedly returning to the other person’s eyes as a constant point of focus: By engaging the eyes, you also will have more influence on the outcomes and essence of your conversation and absorb more of what is said.

Source: Kaleidico/Unsplash

5. Value others’ perspectives.

Integral to effective leadership is the capacity to empathize with others. This skill may take more time to develop if empathy does not come naturally to you. Start by focusing your energy on listening to connect.

Invite healthy discourse by asking questions to explore possibilities, not to confirm you are right. Ask clarifying questions like, “Can you expand on your idea?” versus “Why would you attack it from that angle?” To truly walk away with deeper insight, ask yourself questions like: “What are they trying to say?”; “What are they thinking?”; and “What are they hoping to explore?”

6. Ask for feedback.

Seeking your colleagues’ insights into your communication could illuminate some blind spots to address. Be sure to gain a variety of perspectives from individuals who will be transparent with you, from different tiers of the company—at least one peer, boss, and direct report. Share with them, “These are the areas I’m working on. What do you agree with? What would you add?” It is a powerful practice in humility that lends to personal growth, greater trust and transparency with others, and, ultimately, enhanced interpersonal relationships.

Think of your ability to connect with others as a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger you will certainly grow in your interactions. So, be patient with inevitable growing pains along the way. They are all just a part of the process.