Why Can’t We Talk (About Sex)?

In previous posts, I have described sexual agreements and some reasons why couples might benefit from discussing them explicitly. Here we take a look at one challenge couples might encounter in those conversations: What happens if one person shuts down, walks away, or does not participate?

Sometimes saying nothing at all can create as many challenges as saying the wrong thing. Stonewalling – withdrawal in order to avoid or disengage from conversation – numbers among the “4 Horseman of the apocalypse” in Gottman’s influential research on couple’s communication and conflict (Gottman, 1993; Gottman et al., 2019). Here I discuss one reason why partners might withdraw and some strategies for responding to it.

What is so bad about staying quiet?

Take a moment to consider this example exchange.

Partner 1: We have been going out for a while, and I was wondering where you stand on being exclusive.

Partner 2: Ok.

Partner 1: I mean, I sort of got the impression that we weren’t having sex with other people. But we haven’t really talked about it. I was just wondering if you had an opinion.

Partner 2: Oh. Ok.

Partner 1: So, does it matter to you?

Partner 2: I dunno.

Partner 1: I mean, if you would prefer to have a more open relationship, I guess I would be willing to talk about that. I’m just not sure what you want. Like, would that make a difference to you?

Partner 2: Maybe.

To call this a conversation is generous. Partner 1 initiated the discussion and is contributing a lot of their perspective; meanwhile, Partner 2 is barely participating. Their minimal responses give little or no indication of what their attitudes or preferences might be. Are they content to be monogamous? Would they prefer another kind of agreement? Are they surprised, happy, or annoyed that Partner 1 brought this up? It is tough to answer any of those questions until and unless they engage more.

Sometimes couples can get away with not talking through an issue in detail in situations where partners obviously agree about what they want to do and how (Rusbult & Van Lange, 2003). When relationship partners want to do the same thing in the same way – when their goals clearly align – they can proceed with accomplishing their goals, even if they do not fully appreciate one another’s reasons.

Imagine if the conversation between our example couple looked more like this:

Partner 1: Hey there, we have been going out for a while, and I was wondering where you stand on being sexually exclusive.

Partner 2: Ok.

Partner 1: I mean, I sort of got the impression that we weren’t having sex with other people. But we haven’t really talked about it. I was just wondering if you had an opinion.

Partner 2: Same. Better just us.

Partner 1: Cool. Then I guess that’s easy.

Partner 2: Yep!

These partners still have not shared much about why either of these people wants to be exclusive, but at least they have confirmed they broadly agree on whether sex with outside partners is permitted. There is certainly a lot more they could discuss (see my previous post on talking about the details of sexual agreements), but because they seem to naturally align, they can move forward with a general understanding that neither of them is having sex with others.

The challenge in our first example is that Partner 2’s responses are so vague, it is nearly impossible to know what they want. It certainly leaves open the possibility that Partner 1 and Partner 2 feel differently about monogamy. That means Partner 1 does not have enough information to know for sure whether they even have a sexual agreement.

Making sense of a partner’s silence: Sometimes withdrawal is about anxiety or being overwhelmed

Gottman conceptualized stonewalling as a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed (Gottman, 1993; Gottman et al., 2019). When intense thoughts and feelings get activated, it can be hard to figure out what you want to say, much less how to say it. Sometimes people just freeze.

Consider our opening example. Maybe Partner 2 wants to have a non-monogamous agreement, but is worried Partner 1 will feel hurt by that. Or maybe Partner 2 feels fine about monogamy but thinks things are getting too serious too fast. Those are big ideas attached to potentially powerful feelings. Perhaps those vague and minimal responses are a dear-in-the-headlights moment for Partner 2. If that were the case, there are a few things both partners could do that might help.

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Some strategies if you feel yourself shutting down

• Step away, calm down, come back. Gottman suggested this sequence for Physiological Self-Soothing as an antidote to stonewalling (Barnacle & Abbott, 2009; Gottman et al., 2019). There are a few tips for making it work.
  • First, let your partner know that you need a minute to collect yourself. Otherwise, walking away can be interpreted as disrespect or not caring.
  • Second, find an activity that reliably calms you down: take some deep breaths, meditate, go for a walk, read a short story, et cetera. Find what works for you.
  • Third, do come back. If you do not return to the conversation, then stepping away just shuts down and avoids the topic.
• It is ok to say that you do not know what you want to say. Sometimes just letting a partner know that you feel overwhelmed and are struggling to organize thoughts and find words allows them to understand what is going on and respond supportively.
• Rehearsal is totally ok. If you know a difficult conversation is coming and you think you might have some trouble figuring out what you want to say in the moment, find a way to practice. This might include thinking through or even writing down your ideas in advance. You might role-play the conversation with a friend or counselor before you talk for real with your partner.

Some tips if you see your partner shutting down

• Give them time – let them step away, calm down, and come back. Part of making Gottman’s strategy work is allowing a partner to use it. If you try to force your partner to stay in the conversation or pursue them while they are trying to step away and calm down – you may inadvertently make them even more anxious. Instead, give them space and agree on a time to resume the conversation when you are both ready.
• Go slow – probably slower than you think. If it takes someone 15 seconds to consider what you have said and come up with a response, but you only wait 5, it will always look to you like your partner has nothing to say. You will start talking before they are ready to begin. Silence is your friend. Keep your posture relaxed and open. Take a deep breath. Give it an extra beat (or two or three) and you may find they respond after all.
• Reward your partner’s efforts to communicate — conversations have a practice effect. We get better at sharing our ideas with others the more times we try. Sometimes first attempts are clumsy. If those attempts are met immediately with criticism or blame, they can leave someone demoralized. Appreciate your partner’s effort. Paraphrase what you think they are trying to tell you; ask them follow-up questions if you are not sure what they are saying; and be open to allowing them to correct you and elaborate. Maybe together, the two of you can find your way.

Wrap-up

As with any relationship guidance, there are no guarantees – only possibilities. It is important to note that anxiety is not the only thing that could be going on when a partner shuts down in conversation. See my related post on relationship power and conversational withdrawal. Anxiety is one possibility worth considering though, and doing so might help you find a new way forward. For those interested in learning more about the impact of anxiety on conversation and relationships, or for counselors interested in working with couples, Starks and Doyle (2022) provide a general overview of this literature.