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When parents are often angry and critical of their children, children, in turn, become angry and argumentative, stubborn and defiant. Argument begets argument. When we argue frequently with our children, children become good at arguing.
Here are some additional recommendations that have been helpful to many families in beginning to turn around vicious cycles of criticism, argument, and defiance.
• Set aside time, every day, to listen to your child's concerns.
When we are angry or critical of our children, it is almost always because we have lost patience with them. But we cannot listen patiently - or listen well - when we are tired or hurried; when we are burdened or preoccupied; when we are trying to get things done; or when, at that moment, we are just too angry. Our children, in healthy development, should come to understand this.
• Initiate repair.
In every family, especially when we are anxious and frustrated, parents will become critical and may say hurtful things to their children. At these times, it is important for us to take the lead and begin to repair these hurtful interactions.
In these moments, make a deliberate effort to set aside criticism and judgment as long as you can. Acknowledge your child's disappointments, frustrations, and hurt feelings, and every small gesture she makes toward cooperation and compromise. The following advice is important enough to say again: Tell her what is right about what she is saying or doing before you tell her what she is doing wrong.
Children learn invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not always easy, moments of anger and misunderstanding are moments, and they can be repaired. This may be the most important lesson we can teach our children, the lesson that is most vital to their emotional health. Disappointments are disappointments. Bad feelings are not forever.
• When you need to criticize, criticize thoughtfully and gently.
Children make mistakes. So do we. Try to be gentle and tolerant in your response to their mistakes, and apologize for your own. If you are willing to acknowledge your mistakes, your children will more willingly acknowledge theirs.
Jim Thompson, founder of the Positive Coaching Alliance, offers these additional recommendations for offering criticism to young athletes, what Thompson calls "kid-friendly criticism":
• Always criticize in private. Criticism in front of others causes embarrassment and is likely to make children angry, defensive, and stubborn.
• Children do not respond well to criticism if we criticize when we are angry.
• It is often helpful to "ask permission" when we offer criticism. We can say, for example, "Is it OK if I give you some advice about how you were playing today?" or "Are you open to hearing some criticism about how you played in today's game?" When introduced in this way, children will be much more receptive to what we have to say. Usually, they will say that they are ready to listen. If they say, "No," we should accept this and tell them, "OK. Maybe we can talk about it later" or "Let me know if you change your mind."
Thompson's recommendations are helpful and important, not only when children are playing sports, but for all activities they are involved in - and for our daily family lives.
• Express appreciation.
Criticism - and the resentment it creates - although necessary in small doses, is a toxin. Appreciation is the antidote for resentment.
Appreciation is a little bit like oxygen. We can survive with less than optimal oxygen, but we do not survive well. We suffer symptoms - some visible, others insidious. It is the same with appreciation. Without enough appreciation, we begin to suffer vague symptoms - especially diminished enthusiasm - although we may not know what is causing them. Without this psychological oxygen, our minds begin to divert resources and energy, resources that should be used to pursue interests and joy, into self-protective attitudes - defensiveness and demands.
Appreciate every effort on the part of your child at cooperation and concern for others. Simple, genuine expressions of appreciation are often remarkably helpful in softening a child's intransigence and opening her to collaboration in solving problems. If we say "thank you" to them, they will more often say "thank you" to us.
• Give Them Time.
In talking with children about any difficult problem, do not insist on an immediate response. Even minor criticisms evoke defensiveness in most children; a defensive wall quickly comes up. Children need time to think about, and eventually accept, our instruction and advice. When you bring up a problem, place the problem before your child, ask her to think about it, and then plan a discussion for the following day. You can always end with, "Let's talk about this again tomorrow."
Copyright Ken Barish, Ph.D.
Ken Barish, Ph.D. is the author of Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems.
