Say 'Yes' More Strategically and Say 'No' More Often

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There’s an old Jim Carrey film called "Yes Man." The premise is simple: Jim Carrey says yes to literally everyone and everything. As you can imagine, the results are a bit of a mixed bag.

"Yes Man" reminds me of how the improv guideline called the rule of agreement (sometimes known as the “Yes, and” principle) gets applied to everyday life. In an improv scene, "Yes, and" keeps scenes going. If I say I'm walking my dog, my scene partner moves things along by going along with that reality. Yes, that's a cute dog, and he's wearing an adorable cardigan. On the other hand, if my partner says I'm walking a cat, we're probably gearing up for an awkward, conflict-filled scene.

I've seen experts weigh in that all we need to do is say, "Yes, and" in our real lives and we'll be happier and more fulfilled. I've also read a great deal about how we all need to be saying "no" more. So, once and for all, I want to break down when "Yes, and" makes sense and when "No" is the better way to go. I want to give you the tools to be able to be more discerning with your "yesses" and "nos."

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4 Reasons to Say Yes

1. To Boost Creativity

“Yes, and” is a terrific tool for creativity. In numerous studies, improv boosted people’s divergent thinking—their ability to develop multiple ideas or solutions.

Saying “yes” is part of what gives improv its creativity-boosting benefits because it helps us stay in ideation instead of evaluation. When I say “no” to an idea, I’m evaluating it, thinking about why it won’t work. When I say “yes,” I can quickly move on to other solutions or build on the idea at hand.

For example, if I’m in a business meeting trying to dream up new revenue streams, I can come up with many more ideas if I go along with possible solutions. If I skip right to “no,” I stop novel thinking in its tracks.

Saying “yes” also helps us “make it work,” as Tim Gunn famously used to say. So, if you’re trying to come up with lots of options, if you’re brainstorming or working on a creative project, saying “yes” can help keep things moving and allow you to generate more ideas.

2. To Reduce Conflict

“Yes, and” can also be a powerful negotiation strategy to de-escalate conflicts. Let’s say my sister tells me I’m so annoying because I always have to be right about everything. I can de-escalate the impending drama by saying, “You’re right about me loving to be right, and I can see how that bothers you. What in particular is upsetting you right now?” Just like saying “Yes, and” when we’re ideating, this moves us into the creative, problem-solving zone where it’s possible to find a middle ground and devise novel solutions to conflict.

The key to knowing whether to say “yes” or “no” in disputes is whether or not you want to maintain a relationship and compromise with the dramatic person in question.

3. To Build Rapport

People love to feel seen, heard, and understood, and “Yes, and” is a fantastic tool to demonstrate that you’re doing all of the above. John Gottman’s research shows that couples who accept each other’s bids are more successful and have more longevity than couples who turn away from bids to connect. And accepting bids is all about “Yes, and-ing.”

When my spouse tells me that work was hard today, I accept the bid by saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

When my daughter starts crying, I “Yes, and” when I let her be sad and comfort her.

Or when my boss tells me they think I could be doing a better job, I “Yes, and” when I ask for more details and keep my boss talking about how I can improve.

“Yes, and” keeps the conversation about whatever the initiation was—the tough day at work, the tears, or the critical feedback—while “no” can make the person you’re talking to feel like you’re not even listening.

4. To Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Finally, “Yes, and” is a great tool to embrace uncertainty and take risks. Tina Fey describes this kind of “Yes, and-ing” in her book Bossypants. She said “yes” to the SNL job offer that felt out of her league, and that choice led her to a wild and very successful career.

“No” keeps you safe, and “yes” can lead to adventure.

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5 Reasons to Say No

On the flip side, saying “no” is sometimes the best course of action. There are times when we have to stop bad behavior, unhealthy relationships, and terrible ideas. “No” is your best friend when something needs to be nipped in the bud.

1. To Set and Maintain Boundaries

Nedra Glover Tawwab is the queen of boundaries. On her popular social media accounts and in her two books, she explains that we’re in charge of setting and maintaining our own boundaries. This often means saying “no” to people and explaining how we want to be treated and what happens if we're not.

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Let’s use a work example. If my colleague asks to set up a meeting with me, and I don’t have any time or inclination to do so, I can say, “No!” I can then explain my boundary. Maybe I’m not setting up any extra meetings this month, but I’m happy to respond via email. Maybe all meetings have to go through my supervisor first. Maybe I can meet, but it has to only be during certain times and days of the week. Either way, saying “no” to that last-minute meeting is a crucial first step in getting my own needs met.

2. To Preserve Your Time

The impromptu meeting is also a great example of how “no” can preserve your time and alleviate stress. If I say “yes” to every call, meeting, and question, I’m the one who ends up overbooked and completely stressed out.

Saying “no” is a great way to have more control over your calendar and to-do list.

3. To Maintain a Sense of Equity

Saying “no” is also a great tactic when working toward equity. If I’m always the one asked to lead meetings or take notes, “no” can help even the playing field. Just because people ask and expect you to do more than your fair share doesn’t mean you have to go along with it.

This works at home, too. If you say “yes” to all the household chores, you may want to check out Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play system and learn how to say “no” to some of that extra work to even the playing field.

4. To Be Safer

“No” is also a key component in keeping us safe and avoiding bad decisions. When my 2-year-old wants to dive into the pool without floaties, I say “no” because “yes” could be disastrous. If life or limb is at risk, “no” could be the smartest thing you could ever say. This goes back to the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries.

A caveat: I wish “no” could always keep everyone safe but, unfortunately, sometimes people don’t give us a chance to say it or they don’t listen when we do.

5. To Improve Performance or Quality

Finally, saying “no” to impractical or just generally bad ideas can help us create the best possible results. “Yes” is great for ideation and brainstorming, but “no” is an efficient tool for evaluating and refining those ideas.

Keep ideation and evaluation completely separate and be as ruthless as a toddler in not letting them overlap. Say “yes” until the cows come home as you generate novel ideas. Then, when there are no new ideas to collect, you can start saying “no” to the ones that aren't practical. This will help you land on the best of the best.

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Keeping ideation and evaluation separate helps teams come up with the most creative solutions instead of trying to force a mediocre idea through to the finish line.

Be Discerning With Saying “Yes” and “No”

I wish I could tell you that saying “yes” to everything would fix all your problems or that all you need is to start saying “no” all the time, but, as with most things in life, the answer is much more complex and nuanced.

Say “yes” when you want to boost creativity, reduce conflict, build rapport, or take a risk. Say “no” to set and maintain boundaries, preserve your time, attain more equity, stay safe, or evaluate ideas. Be discerning with your affirmatives and negatives. Each plays a special role in helping you create, communicate, collaborate, and thrive.