Sexting and Your Kids

You might think that talking to your children about sexting isn’t necessary, but it’s a fact that by middle school, most kids know what sexting is and they probably know who in their class has done it. They may have seen photos of other kids unclothed...and they may even have sent some themselves.

This isn’t the only reason to talk with your children about sexting. It’s a conversation that can open the door to many subjects: How can we communicate our interest in someone? How can we communicate in a healthy way once we are in a relationship? How can we set limits and discuss our comfort zone in a relationship – any relationship – including friendships, or romantic relationships?

Parents need to be aware that much if not most flirtation between kids occurs online via texts and photos. In fact, most relationships between kids who are romantically interested in each other often start out via text and often continue that way.

But most kids really have no idea how to go about relationships. They learn what they know mostly from their peers and online. Kids may think that sexting is a part of what’s expected of them when they start to be interested in someone OR they may feel pressured to sext by their peers (who may egg them on) or by the person they’re interested in. They may be intrigued by the possibility – OR they may not know how to say no when they are asked to send a sexy text or photo.

Michelle Drovin, a psychology professor at Purdue University and Nicole Cushman, Executive Director of Answer at Rutgers University, appeared on Radio Times on NPR some years back to talk about just this subject. They said that among young adults, 80% say they have sent sexy texts made up of words, 50% say they have sent sexy photos, and 25% report that their texts were shared with others without their consent.

We don’t know what the numbers look like for tweens and teens, but we can guess that while the number of teenagers and younger kids sending sexts may be lower than that of young adults, the number of sexts shared without the permission of the sender is probably much, much higher.

And this is one of the things we need to talk with our kids about.

Beginning in 5th or 6th grades, it’s important to have conversations about texting and sexting. And notice, I did not say A conversation. I said conversationS. It’s important to raise the subject – perhaps just to ask – "do you know anyone who is sexting?" And then you can talk with your child about whatever they say about this. And you can keep talking about the subject over time.

Young people have become habituated to texting. This is how they communicate with each other. They may not think too much about what they text, just like in a conversation with friends we may not think too much before we say something.

However, what is important to tell our kids is that our bodies are our own private territory. Once we really like someone and know them, we may or may not chose to share our bodies with them - but sending a photo as the first move in a budding relationship? Not such a good idea. This discussion can include talking about what intimacy really is, what love really is, and at what point we might choose to allow someone access to our bodies. And we also need to tell our kids that sending a sext or a photo is their choice. No one has the right to tell them to do it or to pressure them into doing it. Additionally, they need to remember that once they have sent a text or a photo out, they lose control of it. It can be shared. It is no longer private. Even on Instagram and Snapchat and other temporary sites, screen shots can be taken of a sext or text and shared widely.

In these conversations, it’s important not to lecture or to fear monger. Both will turn kids off and they will stop listening. However, it is important to mention the risks of sexting and to allow kids to think about the potential consequences of sending out texts or photos for themselves.

OK, so exactly what can you say and what should you not say when talking with your tweens, teens, and college-aged children about sexting? First, make sure to define it: "Sexting is when people send each other text messages about sex or photos of their bodies or parts of their bodies." Then, consider the following:

You can say any of these:

• "You may know people already who do this. Someone might already have sent you a sext and you might have thought about sending one to someone else, or you might already have done this. But before you send a sext, there are some things you might want to think about. What are your limits? How much of this do you feel comfortable doing? And you need to think about whether this is the way you want to portray yourself".
• "I want you to think about something that not everybody thinks about, and this includes adults (politicians, even!). Once you have sent out a text or a sext, it’s out there forever. Even on Instagram. Even on Snapchat. People can share it, people can screenshot it. And you may not like what happens when other people see your text or photo. You need to think about this every time you send out a text – before you hit send. Ask yourself, “how will I feel if people other than the person I’m sending this to see it?”
• "Always remember, once you send out a text, you lose control over it. At least one fourth of all sexts get shared without the senders permission."

Do not say this:

• "You can get in legal trouble for sending out photos of your body."
• "Your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend is going to end some day and then your ex may share what you have sent to him/her."

Generally, these sorts of admonitions turn kids off.

They’ll think, “Oh, that won’t happen to me,” and they may stop listening to the conversation.

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Don’t be afraid that your children will not be interested in talking about the topic of texting and sexting. This is a subject which is extremely relevant to their lives. If you raise the topic casually and if you do not come across as sanctimonious or judgmental, they’ll probably want to talk about it – or at least to hear about it from you.

If we can let go of old models and accept that many relationships – friendships as well as romantic relationships – start online and continue there, we are in a good position to talk with our children about relationship skills as they apply to this new world.

You can also help your child know that if they’re going to send a confidential text of any kind to someone, they can actually say upfront, “This is for your eyes only” or “I am trusting you not to share this with anyone else” and to understand that if their trust is violated by that person they can then say “I am not going to trust you any more because you shared my text.”

Having these conversations with your kids will help them build the capacity to reflect on what they do and don’t want in friendships and romantic relationships, and to think about what their boundaries and limits are and how to set these clearly with others – all of which are such important relationship skills for life from here on out.