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Key points
- The pursuit of a comfortable life might leave us unprepared for hardship and challenge.
- Clarifying what is important in life is key to resilience.
- Identifying our values can lead to remarkable health and wellness benefits.
We are living in turbulent times. War, pandemics, climate change, injustice, poverty, and corruption cause great suffering for billions of people. We can all identify with Frodo’s observation in J.R.R. Tolkien’s novel, The Lord of the Rings:
"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
The Hard Questions of Life
Though my career is dedicated to helping people change their lives, there have been times when I felt powerless to make a difference. It wasn't until I spent time helping the staff of humanitarian and aid groups during major conflicts that I was able to broaden my perspective on the power of resilience.
Over the course of many years—in the Balkans during the Kosovo War (1999); in Ukraine when Russia invaded and captured Crimea (2014); and a few years later in Budapest, Hungary, with Syrian refugees who were unwanted and unwelcome by the government—the people I helped have in turn helped me radically change how I look at life and handle stress.
Faced with the prospect of losing everything—one’s family, home, country, or life—a person is confronted with what is important and what is not. For those of us who have not faced such extreme hardships, it is easy to equate a good life as simply one that is comfortable. To that end, we “pursue happiness.” Unfortunately, what feels good and looks good in the short term leaves us unprepared for the inevitable struggles of life in the long term.
When a person has lost their important connections—family, friends, home, occupation, and homeland—they are faced with an existential question: Who am I? It is during these turbulent moments of loss, struggle, and defeat that the answer can be found. As Viktor Frankl put it, “The question can no longer be ‘What can I expect from life?’ but can now only be ‘What does life expect of me?’ What task in life is waiting for me?”
Resilient people look for answers to these hard questions; they pursue their mission in life. They understand they alone have the responsibility to shape whatever happens in their life into something meaningful. Their purpose in life is not found in their status or bank account. Their joy does not come from their circumstances. They are pulled forward through the challenges and hardships of life by the power of their purpose.
Finding Purpose in Pain
My work is now focused on a different group of people, chronic pain sufferers. Like the many people I have seen in crises over the years, chronic pain patients experience significant loss and hardship; they, too, are confronted with the hard questions of life. The life they once expected is not the life they have now. “Now what?” life asks them.
Following the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy, I help my patients clarify what is important to them. Physical pain tends to monopolize our attention, pulling our focus from what is important and the direction we want to be heading. I ask my patients to consider these questions: Who are the special people that make your life meaningful? What impact do you want your life to make? These kinds of inquiries can help us to see the big picture of our lives. What's more, when we reconnect with our values, we find a deeper sense of purpose.
To drive home this point, I often share a study completed with university students that showcases the power of focused reflection.
The experiment had a simple design. Over a three-week winter break, one group of students was asked to write about the good things that happened to them during their time off. Another group was asked to identify their values and then write about how those values impacted their daily life.
Health and Wellness Benefits
The positive effects of writing about values were immediately evident. During winter break, the students writing about values had fewer illnesses and health-related problems than those writing about the good things that happened to them. But the bigger differences between the two groups were still to come.
In the weeks, months, and years that followed, the students who wrote about their values showed significant changes. They were more confident in their ability to handle stress; their GPAs improved; they had fewer health problems, fewer doctor visits, and improved mental health; and they even experienced less difficulty with losing weight and quitting smoking. For them (and many others), clarifying and personalizing what makes life rich and meaningful was a powerful intervention.
If you find yourself overwhelmed with the conditions of the world or the challenges of your life, set aside a few minutes to think, write, and reflect. Start by identifying what is important to you and why. Describe how your values have impacted your life in the past. Reflect upon how your values may guide you as you move through any current difficulties. You can even write out a "purpose statement" for your life. What makes your life worth living?
Let your purpose be your compass—it will help you confidently say "no" to what does not matter, allowing you to put your best energy into the very few things that matter the most.
