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Adolescence
What Parents Need to Know Before Their Teen Starts College
The college transition can be difficult—here's what to expect.
Posted July 26, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- The transition to college generally has three distinct stages.
- Each college freshman will have a unique experience, but they will all experience these stages.
- Knowing what to expect will help your freshman make their transition to college a successful one.
While most of us are still in summer mode, late summer means college transition time has arrived. I’ve started working with my incoming freshman clients on their transition to college. Teens who were just high school seniors only months ago will pack up their bags and head off on a new journey. Some will be only a few minutes from home, but so many will be several miles from familiarity.
Transition to college
This time of transition is all about change and growth, leaving behind the comfortable and familiar and expanding into new and uncharted areas. It always reminds me of a vacation I took with my family several years back. A giant trapeze setup was located on the property of the resort we were staying at. My kids were thrilled at the idea of trying it, but when the time came to sign up, they hesitated.
Now, let me tell you—I am not normally a risk-taker. I like knowing what’s ahead of me before I start on my path, scoping out the situation and venturing into the unknown methodically and gradually. But there was something about the trapeze that called to me. I felt so motivated to do it, especially after I noticed my kids’ hesitation. Something was telling me that I had to model the behavior of trying new things, even if they feel a little intimidating or scary.
It wasn’t just the height that was terrifying. I was going to have to step off of the safe platform and fly through the air to get to the other side. This would be neither gradual nor methodical (nor graceful, as it turned out). I knew I would just have to jump. And I did! I made it to the other side.
On this new path of mine through the air, I knew I was not alone. It was a completely safe environment to show off my bravery. Several trapeze instructors were available in all possible locations within the apparatus to show me what to do. The apparatus itself was fully enclosed with netting all around and underneath, just in case I decided to really start flying. And I had my family right there, cheering me on.
It was simultaneously scary and wonderful, and I’m so glad I did it. Knowing I had support from the instructors and the safety net below me gave me the confidence to step off that platform. Wouldn’t it be equally as great if we all had that kind of supportive guidance to help us accomplish whatever new adventures that feel both intimidating and exciting in our lives?
Are they ready?
In August or September, incoming freshmen may say they feel ready for college. Ready to fly through the air to land on their platform. Dreaming about what their experience will be like and looking forward to a fresh, new life. And this goes for all new-to-campus students, including those sophomores who spent their freshman year at home doing school remotely.
Perhaps these sophomores think they have college all figured out now. But this new school year will bring with it additional challenges preparing for post-pandemic reintegration. Knowing what each stage of transition is and how it could affect your teen will help you both be prepared for their next steps.
1. Letting go is the process of leaving the familiar and comfortable, regular parts of life.
Saying goodbye to friends, pets, and family, realizing they’re not a part of their old team, and deciding what to pack and what to leave behind are all experiences of loss and grief. Teens are often unprepared for the overwhelming feelings of loss, especially the ones who are really excited about college. The feelings associated with their losses surprise them, and the feelings of homesickness can also catch some incoming students off guard.
2. The "Gray Zone" is what I call this next stage of uncertainty.
Thinking back on the trapeze analogy, your teen has let go and left her platform, and now she's in the Gray Zone, flying through the air. She is uncertain about what she’s doing. She is in completely new territory and determining what her new identity will be.
In the beginning, there is a lot of unstructured time, and teens are responsible for creating their new habits. It can be a difficult time full of choices and high-anxiety situations. Our brains don’t like uncertainty, and so this Gray Zone can feel very challenging.
3. At last, "New Beginnings" is when students feel comfortable in their new environment and have created a community for themselves in their new home.
This stage requires them to let go of what was in order to fully embrace what is. At this point, friendships have been created, and school workload expectations have been sorted out. Routines are established, and they are feeling more confident in their sense of self, as well as their ability to navigate any of the challenges that they face.
We each experience change differently. Maybe your teen is like me: She feels most comfortable thinking and planning her course. Perhaps she’s more of a risk-taker, embracing new experiences often. No matter how your teen approaches the changes in her life, it’s important she knows she’s not alone. With the support of family at home and possibly the addition of a virtual college transition coach, your teen can make the transition to college a successful one.
