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Key points
- Grief is like a roller coaster. One day you are up, and the next, you could be down.
- The first year of loss can be difficult because it is a year of first birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays without your loved one.
- Grief can affect you physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually.
- You don’t get over death. You get through it, and you will.
I am sorry for your loss and hope that you will find peace and comfort on your journey of grief. I hope this article helps you in some way to get through your grief. So, what is grief? Grief is one of the most difficult things to try to endure in your lifetime because your loved one is no longer physically here, but you are. Your task is to go on living and to deal with life as it is now for you. However, this is easier to say than to actually do. The first year of your loss can be very difficult because it is a year of firsts–birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays all without your loved one.
Grief can affect you physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. After a death, you will begin a new normal–which simply means everything from here on out, whatever you think, and feel, is now normal, you cannot go back to the way you were because your loved one has died and you are now left to deal with whatever life hands you, with perhaps some support, but it is not the same without your loved one to talk to.
There will be others who are not bereaved and who will not understand why you are acting the way you are (such as crying a lot, not being able to focus, and being tired a lot) and expect you to “Get over it” or “Move on” after a few weeks or months. Please do not listen to them because grief takes as long as it takes, and everyone grieves differently. Please do not panic and think you are grieving wrong. If what you are doing seems to be helping you, you are on the right track. If not, you might want to talk to someone about how you are dealing with your loved one's death. Remember, there is only one way to grieve, and that is your way if it works.
Many times, people who try to rush the bereaved through their grief usually feel uncomfortable with the person who has experienced a loss and doesn’t know what to do to help them, so they try to rush the bereaved along, so they, not the bereaved, will feel better.
As you move on in your grief, you may feel anger at God, the doctors, your family, or even your deceased loved one (especially if you feel they did not take care of themselves). You may feel guilty and experience "would haves, could haves, or should haves," and perhaps think you should have done more for your loved one when in reality, you did everything you could possibly have done.
Physically and mentally, you could feel aches and pains that you had never experienced before or possibly had problems, but you did not deal with them because you didn’t want to leave your loved one, so instead, you put off going to the doctor. You may feel tired all the time, have trouble sleeping, have no appetite or can’t stop eating, can’t seem to focus, feel numb, and can’t remember where you are going or why you are going there. You might decide to go to the store and not remember what you went for, so you decide to make a list next time, and then you lose the list, losing objects a lot (such as keys and cell phones), body aches, headaches are all very common during grief.
Socially, your friends may not want to be around you because of your crying or wanting to talk about your deceased loved one. So, it is very important that you tell them what you want from them. When someone dies, we seem to lose all control of what to do or say. It is important to take that control back and tell your family and friends what you want from them. Perhaps you might just want someone to listen to you and not give you advice, perhaps you may want someone nearby to support you and give you an occasional hug.
If someone asks you to go out for lunch and you don’t want to go, then tell them you don’t want to go this time, but perhaps another time, don’t go to make them happy and yourself miserable. Always be honest with them. If you are having a bad day, tell them you are having a bad day and you just don’t feel like talking right now, you don’t have to explain anything to them unless you feel the need to.
It is important to be honest with your family/children and friends and allow them to see you cry. By doing this, you are giving them permission to grieve around you as well and not try to hide their feelings every time they see you.
If someone should ask you how you are doing, please do not say "I am fine" or "ok" because you are not. When you tell someone that, they may feel you are doing good and that you are back to your old self, and then they will not be able to understand why this grief thing is taking you so long to get through. So be honest with everyone. Both you and those not bereaved will benefit from your honesty.
Spiritually, you may blame God for your loved one dying when you prayed all the time, and they still died. You may not want to go back to church or the temple for fear; you may cry, and people may stare at you. You may not want to return because you are unable to find any meaning in your life right now and see no need to go back to church or the temple. Sometimes it helps to seek out the clergy and talk with them; sometimes, it helps to go back to church or the temple, but either go at another time or go to a different place to worship where no one knows you.
Grief is like a roller coaster. One day you may be feeling better, and things seem to be looking up, and the next day you spend crying. It may feel like you take one step forward and two steps back.
The main thing is never give up! Remember, grief takes as long as it takes, so please don’t put expectations on yourself because there are plenty of people around you who already do that. However, you could make an appointment to talk with a grief counselor or join a grief group and tell your story–remember, it is in the telling of the story that the healing takes place. The more you keep all your feelings inside, the longer it takes to get through your loss. There is an old saying that time heals all things. This is not really true, rather, it is what you do with that time.
It is a good idea to make an appointment to see your doctor after at least six weeks just to check on how you are doing. It is possible they are not even aware your loved one died. Please be aware of how much medication they give you, and don’t over-medicate yourself. As you go through your grief, you should be able to know what you are doing and not be so drugged you are unable to function.
In conclusion: take one day at a time and go from there! On those days when it is too hard to put one foot in front of the other—take a deep breath, try to rest and relax, call someone you trust to listen to you, but mainly do something that gives you peace and comfort. Remember, you are not alone in this thing called grief.
Blessings to you as you walk, stumble, get up again, and keep walking on your journey of grief. Remember, you don’t get over death–you get through it, and you will.
