When Children Give Up on Parents: Beyond the Breaking Point

Humans are born in a completely helpless state. We depend on constant care from adults for many years before we can survive on our own for even a single day. The child naturally and instinctively turns to the parents to meet their physical and psychological needs. If the child cannot get from the parent what he/she needs, the child must find another source. Each time this occurs, part of the role of parent is transferred from the parent to a third party.

Source: Marlon Sommer/Pixabay

There are limitless ways in which parents can fail to meet or fully meet the psychological needs of their children. Below are some common forms:

• Motivation: Parents with symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are sometimes so preoccupied with themselves that they neglect critical aspects of parenting.
• Inability: Understanding the needs of children requires a basic knowledge of human development, the ability to utilize available resources, and empathy. Parents learn about basic development by reflecting on their own childhood. They also can learn about it in school, by attending parenting groups, and by communicating with the pediatrician and children’s school. Other than parents who are intellectually compromised, most parents can understand this material. Empathy is necessary to understand each child’s individual experience and needs. Parents suffering symptoms of BPD or NPD often have very weak empathy and cannot comprehend their children’s needs, particularly if they are not well articulated, which is often common for children.
• Availability—physical: Some parents are very limited with regard to how much time they spend with their children. Some have demanding jobs; others have other interests that require them to spend much of their time away from their children. Substantial use of nannies, au pairs, and childcare centers often results in children having more access to childcare workers than to their own parents.
• Availability—emotional: Even parents who are physically available to their children may not be emotionally available. They may be preoccupied with other concerns or activities. Parents’ emotional availability can also be substantially compromised or diverted by mental illness or substance abuse.

When parents are not able to meet their children’s needs for whatever reason, children may seek out others to meet their needs or become depressed from neglect. Children typically look toward other family members, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, scout leaders, etc. Some may be corralled by misanthropes, such as the character Fagan in Charles Dickens's story of Oliver Twist who offers guidance to orphans, which he uses to make them into criminals.

Children can have some of their needs met by others without giving up on their parents. This occurs when parents are supportive of them doing so and participate in the process. Parents can facilitate a child’s relationship with a grandparent, teacher, childcare worker, therapist, etc. and be a part of that relationship by communicating with and coordinating with their children’s other supports. If the parents make consistent efforts to know what is happening in these other relationships and coordinate the rest of the child’s life to facilitate and support the relationship, the parent will continue to be seen by the child as part of the solution and will continue to seek out the parent for guidance and affection.

If a parent abdicates their role to others on a regular basis, the parent will eventually be dismissed. The following dialogue between Rae and her daughter, Sue, illustrates this outcome.

Rae: Sue, can you and your fiancé help me fill out some paperwork?

Sue: He is no longer my fiancé.

Rae: When did this happen?

Sue: I broke up with him 6 months ago.

Rae: Why didn’t you tell me?

Sue: You were busy and I didn’t want to disturb you.

Rae: I didn’t even know you were having problems.

Sue: I tried to tell you a few times, and you told me to talk to Grandma. So I did. She was very helpful.

Some parents actively sabotage their children’s efforts to get their needs met by others. This can occur when the parent is jealous of the child’s support system and competes with it. This happens frequently when parents have symptoms of BPD. When this happens, children often deliberately exclude their parents from significant aspects of their lives or all aspects. This is illustrated in Pat’s conversation with his father who has symptoms of BPD.

Dad: Where were you this afternoon?

Pat: I had an appointment.

Dad: With whom?

Pat: Nothing important.

Dad: I hope it wasn’t with that stupid therapist you used to talk to. What a waste of money.

Pat: Nothing you need to be concerned with.

Parents who wish to maintain a strong attachment with their children into the future need to make efforts to meet their needs either directly or by cooperating and supporting their efforts to have their needs met by others. Failure to do this will likely lead children to the breaking point, and they will give up. Reversing this process will be very difficult as it will require the children to give up on successful support systems to try to get support from parents who historically were not available.