With Or Without You

I've written more than once here, in some way, about the phase of therapy called termination. And even though I've got a list the length of my arm about all things psychoanalysis-related to cover, here I am writing about The End again.

This is a little surprising to me, because I guess when I started writing Mr. Analysand I had the idea that I'd document a different angle of my experiences in therapy, every single time. Well, maybe it's time to give that rule a rest, and do with this blog exactly what I do (most of the time) in therapy: get into exactly what's on my mind at the moment, even if it is a repeat.

And lo, termination - or "disembarkment" as I prefer to refer to the final stage of therapy -- is the subject du jour in my head. Why? Probably because I attempted to disembark not once but twice in the past two weeks. In contrast, I think I walked into Ms. Analyst's office determined to terminate once in all of 2010. Twice tops.

The buildup to The Attempt is always the same. Sometime in the day or days leading up to my next session, the evidence in favor of moving on to the next stage in my life - the one without analysis or going to see Ms. Analyst 3X as week - starts to spontaneously build up and then becomes utterly overwhelming.

Know When to Say When

It typically includes some or all of the following:

• I've accomplished the #1 goal I set when I first walked in almost four years ago.
• I'm really busy.
• I want to have to time to play the drums again.
• I could be using the money I spend for analysis on something else.
• My family will be so happy that I've stopped wasting time and money by going to therapy three times a week when I appear to be a perfectly normal person.
• Even if Ms. Analyst doesn't get it yet, I'm totally cured of absolutely everything that afflicts me.
• I'm practically perfect and the little progress that might be left to make could take years and years to complete.
• I can work through those issues faster by myself now.
• Talking with Ms. Analyst about the dark, hidden forces that drive part of Me is actually what's keeping me chained to them.
• She doesn't really give a shit about me.
• Did I mention I'm really busy?

Total up the above, and you have one determined-to-quit analysand. The commitment to disembark fills me with butterflies as I become genuinely convinced that the time has arrived. "This is not about thinking it out logically," I realize. "This is about feelings. And this feels right."

And it does. Really. At these times, I've never been so confident that I should leave psychoanalysis and move on. I've graduated. I'm self-aware. I'll have more cash available. I'll have more time. For everything. Ms. Analyst will finally understand and give me her blessing to leave, instead of convincing me I should stay. This will be great.

And both times in the last two weeks, as I've laid down on the couch and firmly pronounced that our next discussion will be about nothing other than when the Final Session will be (In a week? Two weeks? A month, maybe?), something strange has happened.

I got confused. Very confused.

Here I am, saying what I vowed I would. Declaring my independence. Taking my life back. Staking my claim. And yet it all breaks down. And sure, sometimes that has to do with Ms. Analyst chooses to say.

Houston, We Have a Problem

"Yes, you've made progress," she might concede. "You appear to have gotten your most pressing issues under control, for the time being. But I think we understand very little about where these urges of yours really come from. In fact, the closer you get to the genuine truth about You, the more dangerous I think it can feel. That's always when you want to run."

Actually, on Thursday, Ms. Analyst came up with a new response that shocked the hell out of me. "Maybe you should go, David," she said. "I'll be fine. You can always come back if you want. But maybe you're really not capable of looking at this thing any deeper. That's always a possibility."

Whether she verbally spars with me on disembarking, or sets me free, an anguishing sensation of conflicted chaos comes over me. I was sure it was time to terminate when I was outside of the Pod," I agonize. "Now I'm here, and I'm not so sure anymore."

Analysis is all about equipping yourself with tools on the way to maximum awareness, and if there's one tool I've personally honed lately, it's this: In the face of massive confusion, suspend the next intended course of action. Fall back. Re-evaluate. If the step I want to take next feels like Trouble on a Stick, that's probably because it is. Frustrating though it may be, better to postpone the current plan.

Psychoanalysis Essential Reads

Translating Psychoanalytic Terms Into Everyday Life: Containment

Recasting Psychoanalysis in Existential Terms

So feeling vanquished, beaten, bloodied, and mentally bowed, I left Thursday's session telling Ms. Analyst to keep me on the schedule. I'd be back. Not sure why - but I'd be back on Tuesday.

Good Time for a Sign

One advantage of being in analysis is that the world has a way of synching up for you, giving you crucial signs that your connection-seeking self is ready to receive. As the shock waves of my latest defeat bounced around in my head the next day, I kicked back at a restaurant with the Analysand family, nursed a beer, and then magically heard the answer to where I was over the Muzak.

"See the stone set in your eyes/See the thorn twist in your side..." it sounded out. And as the song's chorus kicked in, massive waves of relief began to wash over me. U2 knew. Bono knew. Finally - 24 years after first hearing these words -- I actually understood what they meant.

"With or without you/With or without you/I can't live/With or without you."

That was it. It clicked: The way I am right now, I can't live with analysis. And I can't live without it. But given the impossible task of choosing between those two opposite absolutes, I'll live with it. I know that someday when I opt to live without that the choice will feel right to me, through and through.

How often do you get driven to the point of no return in your therapy? What makes you come back to your analyst from that? Or maybe you were able to take that extra step, spread your wings, and fly solo - how did that go? If termination is the destination, the toughest test is to know that we've arrived.

-- Mr. Analysand