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Do you have friends who read two books a week, do yoga every day, go jogging every morning, and can’t stop telling you how great meditation is for your mental health? Yes, me too... but, I am guessing, that they don’t have children. For a working mom, the reality is quite different. Between dropping off the kids at school, and work, and then pick-up, and baseball practice, and dinner, and school lunch preparation, and homework, and bedtime, and sleep (well, we’ll call it sleep!), how do we find the time and energy to run... or stretch... or bike... or meditate... or do anything for ourselves? I have found that many of my clients are you caught up in a never-ending cycle of I should, I will, maybe tomorrow, maybe on the weekend?
Most working moms think they are being selfish and feel guilty about putting their own needs first. But, think about it this way. Do you feel guilty if you’ve put new tires on your car because the treads are worn? Or, would you feel more guilty if you didn’t change the tires and you had an accident with your children in the car? I think you know the answer to these questions.
Paula’s Story
Paula is a paralegal working for a “rainmaker,” aka a high-powered attorney. She has a ten-year-old daughter and an eight-year-old son. This is what happened to Paula.
Paula had been working long hours on a case and was very tired and tense when she finally got home. She found it really hard to wind down and was constantly bickering with her partner and snapping at her children. Things got so bad that she was blaming the behaviors of her family members for causing her to almost have a breakdown. As soon as dinner was over, her partner retired behind his newspaper in the den, and her kids escaped to their rooms. One evening, things came to a head and Paula finally understood that she was constantly laying the blame on her family for everything that was going wrong, and that was totally unfounded. It wasn’t anything they were doing; rather, it was something she wasn’t doing! She wasn’t giving herself any self-care.
Paula had stopped running in the mornings before heading to work. She was snatching junk food snacks from the office vending machine instead of taking a proper lunch break and eating the nutritious food she had usually taken time to prepare for herself before she left home. She was lying in bed worrying about the household chores that still needed doing and not getting enough sleep even on weekends. This ongoing mistreatment of herself was the cause of her mistreatment of her partner and kids. Paula finally realized that she had to take care of herself first before the situation could improve.
It’s Not Selfish to Make Self-Care a Priority
So, recognize that your own maintenance is just as necessary as your car’s. In fact, it is even more critical. My research shows that if you are well-maintained, your internal engine will be running smoothly and you’ll be in better condition to cope with the demands of your boss and care for your children. But, you say, I’m so busy, how do I fit in some self-care? It may be easier to start with some small steps, so here are a few ideas.
- Go British. Close your office door and treat yourself to “elevenses” with a cup of coffee and a muffin.
- Take a short walk by yourself (or with your earbuds streaming an interesting podcast) after dinner to clear your head.
- Pamper yourself with a long and lazy soak in the tub twice a week after the kids are in bed. And, don’t forget your favorite bath oil and some scented candles.
- Fit in some short stretching time. Stretching is good because you can do it almost anywhere – in your office, waiting for a bus, in the bathroom, before getting into bed. Stretching helps to relieve muscle fatigue and increase blood flow. Need more proof? Review what you read above to remind yourself about the incredible benefits you can get from simple stretches.
- Just be still. It only takes a minute or two. Look around and notice your surroundings. Take a deep breath — and there you go. Yes, you’re sneaking a little meditation practice into your busy day.
- Plan for some reading time. Get up half-an-hour early before everyone else, fix yourself your favorite morning beverage, and read. Try to have a book or your Kindle with you and read a few lines while sitting in the doctor’s office or waiting for school to get out. This way of reading is especially beneficial if you like poetry. It allows you to memorize a couple of lines at a time that you can recall and muse about during odd moments during the day – it’s another way to meditate.
Once you have discovered that you can really fit in these small steps and how much better you feel, you can build up from there. Go for longer walks, visit a beauty parlor for a complete makeover, plan an extended vacation. Don’t suddenly put your foot down hard on the accelerator of self-care and zoom off at sixty miles an hour.
The Slippery When Wet Road Sign
What happens when you are driving, and you see this sign? You slow down and are much more cautious and hyper-aware of your driving. So, think of this yellow road sign from my parenting GPS method as a reminder and slow down and take more care of yourself. Just as you will prevent a road accident in a well-maintained car, some self-care will keep you safe on the highway of your family life. The reality is that the struggle to fit in some self-care is real. It’s frustrating and often times seems impossible. And, if that guilt starts to creep in because you’re attending to yourself before you turn your attention to your children, just remember that at the end of the day they’ll be better for it too. They will enjoy being around a well-rested, more joyous mother (you!). They will also have you for a role model inspiring them down the road on how to make their needs a priority despite their hectic schedules. A win-win situation, wouldn’t you agree?
