Waiting for Marshmallows and Other Things We Want

By guest blogger Dan J. Graham

Waiting is hard. It can be hard for adults and especially hard for kids who have not yet developed effective strategies to help them wait. Nevertheless, waiting is essential. Research tells us that the ability to delay gratification (postponing a gain right now for an even more desirable future gain) as a child can translate into greater happiness and success later in life.

To study delay of gratification, researchers beginning with Walter Mischel and colleagues have conducted what is known as The Marshmallow Test. A child receives a tasty treat, like a marshmallow, and they can either eat the treat immediately or wait until the researcher comes back into the room (typically 10-15 minutes later) and receive a second treat if the first remains uneaten (there are some fun Marshmallow Test videos on YouTube). Those kids who could refrain from eating the marshmallow showed a wide variety of future markers of success (e.g., higher test scores, better social and cognitive function, and lower body mass index, among others).

Participants in the original Marshmallow Test were children primarily aged 4-6. Older children had more success waiting for a second treat than younger children, indicating that delay gratification improves during this developmental period. There are several ways that this ability can be increased, and Mischel’s research indicated that older children use a wider variety of techniques to attain larger goals that require sustained efforts to obtain.

The extent to which waiting for a second marshmallow predicts long-term outcomes is subject to an ongoing debate. Still, predictive ability was a secondary concern for Mischel, who was more interested in understanding what strategies successful delayers used. Importantly, Mischel notes in The Marshmallow Test, the same child who could not wait even one minute to eat a treat in the absence of such strategies could suddenly wait 20 minutes when using effective techniques (2014, pg. 42).

A key takeaway from the Marshmallow Test research is that self-control can be learned. People (children and adults alike) can learn to use effective strategies to delay gratification. Just as children who succeed in the Marshmallow Test can distract themselves or reframe the situation (for example, by pretending the marshmallow is something inedible, like a cloud), adults who acquire multiple self-control strategies report better coping with stress and better health. My picture book, How Can I Wait (When There’s a Treat on My Plate)? teaches kids evidence-based strategies to delay gratification using a rhyming story about twin brothers facing common childhood waiting situations (waiting in line, waiting for your turn to use a toy, waiting for a treat).

How to Help Children Develop Self-Control

Several strategies that can help children increase their self-control are described briefly below; see How Can I Wait and The Marshmallow Test for more information.

Cool the Now; Heat the Later

Definition: Dr. Mischel describes cool the now; heat the later as the fundamental principle – the core strategy for self-control. To cool the now, we move the temptation farther away in time and/or space. To heat the later, we can focus on how the distant consequences will feel. Children (and adults!) are much more successful in delaying gratification when we reduce or remove emotion from the current situation and add emotion to thoughts about the future.

In addition to distance spatially and chronologically, we can also add distance socially (e.g., by thinking of how someone else would behave in the situation currently testing our willpower), or distance based on likelihood (e.g., mentally changing the probability of an event – for example, if the anticipated enjoyment of a treat is seen as less likely, we are less likely to consume it).

Examples:

Move tempting treats out of sight, and instead of thinking about how good a treat will taste, think about how eating sweets can make you feel later (e.g., you may feel sick or stuffed after eating sweets – remember Halloween? Thanksgiving?)

If a television show or movie is tempting you away from something else you think you should be doing (e.g., working, exercising), first try to relocate yourself away from the temptation and focus on the feelings (e.g., of accomplishment, relief) you will have when you have completed the currently less-tempting, but more important task.

Asking a child how a favorite superhero or book character with high self-control would behave in the currently testing situation.

Model Self-Control

Definition: Children often adopt the behaviors they see parents and other adults using in challenging situations. Be a self-control role model by demonstrating positive strategies to delay gratification.

Examples:

You can model effective strategies when delaying gratification yourself (e.g., distraction, if-then implementation plans, cognitive restructuring), and you can also model a growth-focused approach to learning such skills.

For example, explain that you learned your self-control skills and are still working to improve them and learn others (for more information – see Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindsets).

Tell children about new strategies you learned from this article and describe how having these tools might help you in situations that test your self-control. Showing that you can acquire new skills at any age communicates that children do not have to be bad at self-control even if delaying gratification is difficult now.

Promote Autonomy

Definition: Autonomy promotion refers to supporting children’s choices and their sense of volition.

Examples:

Scaffolding (offering children age-appropriate problem-solving strategies): This can take the form of leading children partway to a solution but leaving enough of a challenge for them to overcome to earn a feeling of accomplishment. For example, when working with a toddler on a puzzle, you could help rotate the puzzle piece to be properly oriented but allow the toddler to place the piece in its proper location.

Respecting the child’s pace: Children’s autonomy is enhanced when they can dictate the speed of some activities (e.g., when playing a game, when taking a walk).

Providing responsibility: You can promote autonomy by ensuring that children play an active role in successfully completing tasks. For example, you could encourage children to put on their socks and shoes by themselves even though it may be faster to dress them yourself.

Self-Distraction

Definition: Thinking about something other than the thing you want reduces the likelihood of pursuing that thing. Having a variety of self-distraction skills can be very beneficial for delaying gratification in different contexts.

Examples:

When facing tempting treats, children in Marshmallow Test research have devised many effective distraction techniques – singing songs, playing with their fingers or toes, telling stories, etc.

If a child is having a hard time waiting for a friend or family member’s visit, reading stories, playing games, baking together, assembling puzzles, and anything else that can fully engage the child can be an effective distraction.

If-Then Implementation Plans

Definition: These plans involve specifying a stimulus that can lead to unwanted behavior and linking that stimulus to a desired response.

Examples:

If I feel hungry for something sweet, then I will eat a piece of fruit.

If I feel angry, then I will count backward from 100.

Cognitive Reappraisal

Definition: The process of cognitive reappraisal involves changing the way a stimulus is mentally represented. In the context of delaying gratification, this often takes the form of thinking about the temptation in the abstract, rather than concrete, ways.

Examples:

A tempting marshmallow becomes much less tempting if you imagine it is a sheep, a cotton ball, just a picture of a marshmallow, or if you imagine there were recently bugs crawling on it.

Children find hitting a sibling less appealing if they imagine the sibling’s skin is covered with tiny spikes or with a stinky spray that will get all over them if they touch it.

Also, note that reappraisals can be built into If-Then Implementation Plans.

For example, if I feel like hitting my sister, then I will pretend she is covered in spikes.

Conclusion

Waiting is hard but important. And with the right skills, we all can do it. Regardless of whether successfully waiting for a second marshmallow as a kindergartener predicts how happy and accomplished we will be later in life, waiting is undoubtedly something we all have to do regularly, so equipping ourselves and our children with techniques to make waiting less painful can be quite a treat indeed.

Dan J. Graham is Associate Professor of Applied Social and Health Psychology, Colorado State University and Colorado School of Public Health, and author of How Can I Wait When There’s a Treat on My Plate?