Why Common Counseling Models Around Infidelity Don't Work

Cheating in relationships is common in the U.S. When there is a relationship agreement of monogamy, and one or both partners break that agreement, it can lead to problems in the relationship even if the other partner doesn't know about it. When disclosed or discovered, infidelity can either break or strengthen a relationship.

Most approaches by therapists to counseling a couple where a partner has been unfaithful are outdated and can be problematic. Common approaches are based on shaming the "cheater" and, quite frankly, are based on privilege.

Problems with Traditional or Old Infidelity Counseling

Years ago, when therapists and experts were still designing counseling sessions for couples, the longstanding belief was that people cheat when there is something wrong with the relationship or the partner is unhappy or missing something in the relationship. From what we know today, this is not always the case.

One study found that 56 percent of men who are unfaithful in a marriage are happy. People cheat for a variety of reasons, including desire discrepancies within their primary relationship, opportunity, resentment, anger, desire for variety, and others, and it does not have to mean the end of a relationship.

While it's not the end, there is a lot of work to be done. The partner that's been cheated on is likely to feel betrayed, angry, and hurt. It's never easy finding out that your relationship is not what it seems. It is often the end of a romantic dream.

Many couples will seek professional help once an affair has been discovered. Therapists will work with the couple on processing feelings associated with the affair, creating boundaries and a new relationship agreement, rebuilding trust, and other individualized goals. Many professionals suggest steps like deleting all social media accounts, having the "cheater" share all their passwords with their partner to be "transparent," and removing anyone they have had a sexual relationship with from their life.

However, these steps and goals are significantly flawed and set the couple up for more issues in the long term. Here are some reasons why.

False Sense of Security

Building trust takes time and taking a leap of faith. Controlling your partner's decisions, who they can interact with, and overseeing their text messages and emails does not prevent them from cheating. If a partner insists that the cheating partner remove someone they have had a relationship with from their life, this does not prevent the person from being interested in others, nor does it remove thoughts of that person from their mind.

You cannot delete someone. Interestingly, many will go through the motions by presumably setting this boundary by blocking the cheated with number, but let's be honest: Most people have multiple email addresses and phone numbers.

While it might give the "victim" a false sense of security, it also creates a parental-like monitoring relationship that infantilizes the partner who was unfaithful and perpetuates the shame and guilt they feel. In addition, the partner who is monitoring and demanding these changes can become obsessed with checking and wondering, which is in itself unhealthy.

This dynamic between partners does not strengthen the relationship but instead has the potential to create a different set of issues. Remember what most of us did when our parents monitored our whereabouts and prevented us from seeing certain people? I know what I did. These interventions do not solve underlying issues.

Shame-Based

Old or traditional practices are also incredibly shame-based. Both parties are hurt after the infidelity comes to light. There is no need to shame or punish one partner over the other. The old school of thought is that there is something wrong with the marriage, which sometimes leads to the partner who was cheated on being blamed for not being enough. It's heartbreaking and only leads to more problems. The cheater also feels shame during counseling sessions. The finger is pointed at them, while the time should be spent looking for solutions and building trust.

A Privileged Standpoint

Not everyone has the power to leave a relationship or cut the person out that they've been unfaithful with. While it can give some relief, deleting or getting rid of the other person doesn't solve the problem, and it's a privileged response.

Let's say you have been unfaithful to your partner. The other person is someone in your workplace. When the infidelity comes to light, can you quit? While quitting might get rid of the initial temptation to cheat, not everyone has the luxury of quitting their job. This only works if you have money saved up.

Infidelity Essential Reads

Why Many Cheaters Don't Feel So Bad About It

11 Ways People Try to Hide Infidelity

While the temptation might be higher when seeing someone every day, building trust is about believing that regardless of who your partner is around, even if it is someone they have had a previous relationship with, their choice will be different. And if it is not with the same person, there are millions of others it can be with.

Too Much Control

A loving marriage is a relationship that should be cherished and nurtured. It's an equal partnership with understanding. When one party has too much control, it can cause issues.

For example, giving up your passwords to your partner may make them feel better but cause you shame and anxiety. A relationship should not act like a relationship between a child or parent.

Instead, it's about working together. Too much control also doesn't feel good for the person who has the power. No one wants to feel like they are forcing their partner to go along with their demands. For a relationship to get past infidelity, the unfaithful partner needs to understand their partner's deep sense of vulnerability and how the affair made them feel out of control.

Conclusion

Cheating does not need to be the end of a relationship. However, using shame-based and privileged approaches to healing will only create more problems in the long run. If you are choosing to remain in a relationship following your partner being unfaithful, then you are choosing to take a leap of faith.

Making demands and monitoring so that you can feel safer only creates a false sense of security, shames your partner, attempts to control a situation that is not controllable, and further damages the relationship. If you want to come out stronger as a couple, then build self-confidence individually, work on rebuilding trust in ways that might be more difficult but have better results, and foster connection as a couple.