When You Don't Love the Season

Source: Photo by Alli Spotts-De Lazzer

A lot of people have strained relationships with this time of year. But it goes against the grain to publicly not love the happiest season of all. I know because I have a complicated relationship with this time of year.

People often correct me or respond as if I offend them by not sharing their enthusiasm. I understand they are well-intended. Still, with every shocked face, I used to feel alone and like a weirdo.

After 52 years alive and 16 years as a therapist, I have now heard from a lot of folks who whisper that they don’t love the holidays, find them painful, or simply tolerate them. If that's you, you’re part of a community of lovely human beings.

Though it can take a bit of focus, we can still flourish during the season and amid its various extra pressures (emotional and social). Here are four principles that may support you.

1. Know and honor your social meter when it comes to parties and gatherings

Whether you are into social events or not, there are typically a lot of get-togethers happening. If you’re extraverted, fantastic! For others (those with introverted characteristics, shyness, depression, or social anxiety), the invites and opportunities can feel especially stressful. Either way, think about your social battery, meaning your energy for socializing:

• What fuels and what drains you?
• How long can you be in social environments before you need to recharge?

Greet and accept your limits; try not to view them as deficits. The awareness can help you to feel your best in the world. Yes, you may need to skip events and pop by others. But honoring your social battery can be key to thriving instead of just surviving.

That leads me to acknowledge the pressure to do it all during this time of year.

2. Utilize graciousness, and don’t over-explain particularly when you RSVP

I notice that when people are uncomfortable with their answers, they'll often over-explain. "Thanks for inviting me, but I have to pick up my dog and then go to dinner and then and then. I’ll try to make it.” Whoa and no.

People hosting events are often busy tracking and prepping. Before you respond, think about if you were the host. What would be a gracious, appreciative response that said clearly what they can expect of you? For example, “Thank you for including me. I have plans, so I won’t make it. I appreciate you thinking of me.”

Believe it or not, “I have plans” can be enough. It’s truthful for pretty much anything. For example, intentions to stay home and do nothing also qualify as plans. The specifics of your schedule are your business.

And if that still doesn't feel enough, try adding more graciousness (sincere kindness and gratitude). For example, “I look forward to seeing pics of this on social media.” “Knowing you, it’ll be awesome!” “I’m bummed to miss this.”

Although not responding at all may feel tempting, imagine if you were the host. In some situations, that may be fine. In others, ghosting a reply may harm the relationship. Graciousness with not over-explaining can often prevent future awkward or hurt feelings.

How to handle the flood of cheerful sentiments.

3. Utilize authentic greetings and salutations

When honesty is important to you, even social conformity can throw your energy off if it feels untruthful. If you find “Happy holidays” empty to hear or say, then don’t say it. Instead, find your sincere greeting, salutation, or response.

Find something authentic to you: “Wishing you a peaceful season.” "Thank you for your wishes.” At the very least, you can get through this time without exhausting yourself with niceties that feel like lies to you.

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And finally, there's the stress: emotional expectations, loss, grief, gifts, schedules, among others.

4. Deal by expressing yourself

Psychiatrist and educator Dan Siegel summarized a science-backed technique: “Name it to tame it.” Especially when stress can be high and feelings big, naming them may help tame their impact. Talking with someone who is understanding and safe can help. Maybe that’s a therapist, friend, pastor, or someone else.

Also, self-expression is another way to get emotions out of you, resetting your internal thermostat. During stressful times, I find making up alternate song lyrics amusing and relieving. “It's the most uncomfortable time of the year." Maybe you like painting. Dancing. Journaling. Scribbling. Composing a letter that you’ll never send. Writing poetry. Whatever your thing might be. (It's cool if you don't know. It's also an excellent time to experiment and see what might fit for you.)

The Wrap Up

The more I’ve practiced putting these four principles into action throughout the years the more I’ve found my contented flow.

• Knowing my social battery
• Learning how to RSVP in a way that feels sincere and appreciative
• Responding to happy wishes without squishing the other person's spirit or making me lie
• Venting when needed

And I’ve even come to appreciate and enjoy certain aspects of the season.