When Your Partner's Ex Will Not Go Away

Approximately 43.7 percent of women and 22.2 percent of men who reported having had extramarital sex cheated with someone they knew well. And 44 percent of people aged 17 to 24 cheated with an ex to get them to renew their relationship following a breakup (Brian, 2023). The need that a person has to intrude on their ex-partner’s relationship has been attributed to nostalgia and the idealization of the ex (Ben-Zeév, 2022); unresolved feelings and a fear of moving on (Gillette, 2022); anger and hate (Lerner, 2014); and an unconscious need to replicate failure (Buscho, 2020), to name a few.

In tune with Ben-Zeév (2022), I have found that partners who focused primarily on the good aspects of a former relationship had more difficulty moving on than partners who focused on the bad aspects of the relationship. Ironically, the former tended to exhibit more anxiety and depression, and some were obsessed with their ex-partners, making it almost impossible to form a relationship with others.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

Regardless of the underlying problem, I would argue that the solution to this triangular dynamic lies in establishing better boundaries and limit-setting. Unless both partners protect their relationship from an intruder such as an ex, a fixed triangle may develop and eventually destroy their relationship.

While the intruding ex may be a tenacious pursuer, it is usually the former partner of the ex who is enabling the continued contact. It is up to this individual to be respectful but firm in communicating to their ex that the past is the past and should remain there. This partner may want to withdraw from social media, change telephone numbers, or in extreme cases, find another job or move to another location. Stalkers present a more complicated problem, and the couple may need to consult the legal system to get help with de-triangulating.

The partner struggling to cope with their partner’s ex may also be responsible for enabling the intrusion by:

1. Consciously or unconsciously choosing to be in a relationship with someone void of boundaries from its onset.
2. Choosing to be with someone who only recently ended or is trying to end a long-term relationship.
3. Picking a partner whose ex is unstable.
4. Failing to demand that their partner set limits on the intruder.

The sooner the intrusion or boundary breach is addressed in the relationship, the more quickly the dynamic can be controlled. The longer it lingers, the harder it will be to quell hostility between the partners and repair their relationship. It is important to remember: What may have started off as a nostalgic friendship can quickly develop into a renewed love affair. Certainly, not all ex-partners have bad intentions, but many do.