The Difficulty With Ending an Affair

Any therapist who has tried to help an individual out of an affair knows how hard this process can be. It is difficult when the transgressing client asks for help in ending an affair, but it is more difficult when the client is ambivalent about doing so. Of course, one can say that the client in this position is always ambivalent, so perhaps I should say the more ambivalent, the more difficult the process, and leave it at that.

Some clients do not want to end their affairs even though the therapist can envision the future consequences, but other than helping the client examine a full range of options beyond an affair, there is not much to do in this position. Simply put, if a client does not want to change, change won’t happen. Change is extremely difficult, even when someone wants it.

Types of Affairs

Complicating matters is the fact that there are several types of affairs. For example, some affairs are purely emotional. In this case, a connection has been established between the two lovers. To some, this is the most threatening kind of affair because they fear their partner might have fallen in love with another.

After discovering that her husband had sex with a prostitute, a female client told me that she was relieved:

I do not feel as threatened by pure sex with a professional who I know does not love my husband. I would rather he be with a prostitute than have an affair with someone in the neighborhood or at work. That to me that would be more threatening to our marriage.

I hear the preceding rationalization from more women than men in part because women take emotions more into account.

Men, however, tend to become more upset when their female partner has a sexual relationship–it threatens their sense of masculinity. It is interesting to note that many men who are partnered with bisexual women do not feel threatened by them having sex or emotionally connecting to other women. It is as if these men do not believe that their partners can fall in love with another woman. Of course, many are shocked to find out that this is not true, especially if the female partner leans more closely toward the gay end of the sexual continuum.

A Counterintuitive Approach to Affairs

Thus far, most of what I have just written is well-known. What I have to offer here is what I refer to as a counterintuitive view of affairs that, in my estimation, merits serious attention. Certainly, if someone is not following the lines of their own gender identity, they need to find out and own who they are. For example, a gay man will have a more successful relationship with a man than a woman. But barring this type of dynamic, most people have affairs with people like their spouses or long-term partners. But to comprehend this, the scope of an affair must be made broader.

For example, to me, an affair is an attempt to make an adjustment to the person you are already involved with. It is not and will never be a complete overhaul. I am not downplaying the need for such an adjustment, but it is just an adjustment, nothing more dramatic than that. If you could get that adjustment from your current partner, you would not be having an affair in the first place. This theory does not account for hookups or sex compulsion, but it does for the average person in a long-term relationship or someone about to enter one.

Consider the following case example:

John was referred for treatment because he was having an affair with Lana, a woman he met at a club. And even though he confessed this to his wife, Carol, she saw it as “his” problem and refused to go to couples therapy with him.

Typically, John’s affair began with him and Lana commiserating about their unsatisfactory marriages. John told Lana that Carol was cold, selfish, and unloving. Lana said the same about her husband. Both partners were married for twenty-plus years and claimed to have been dissatisfied for at least the last ten years.

While I never met Lana, John told me that she was wonderful, caring, sexy, and the opposite of his wife.

In response to this, I offered: “Well, she cannot be the complete opposite of your wife if you picked her.”

To this, John was stunned. He was sure that he simply chose wrong to marry his wife and needed a change. He was convinced that if he had chosen Lana or someone like her, he would not be in his situation.

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When I reiterated that he had chosen someone like Lana, he once again looked at me as if I were crazy.

John offered a common defense against and a simplistic solution for a long-standing issue in relationships: If there is a problem with your current partner, pick someone different.

When I was in my late teens, I worked as a counselor in the summers at a children’s camp. One day I overheard that one of the camp administrators was getting another divorce. Hearing that he was about to embark on his fourth marriage, I could not help but ask him how something like this could happen.

With a slight simper, he responded:

Well, my first wife was Italian and she yelled at me all the time. My second wife was Jewish, and she wanted me to make more money. My third wife was a WASP and never showed any emotion. So, I am marrying a Hindu woman this time.

Racist, stereotypical, yes. And even though he was joking, his response had an element of truth. The main point is that people who lack insight often employ this kind of logic to solve their relationship issues, albeit in a less dramatic fashion. If a current partner drinks, they must be traded in for a nondrinker. They might not consider that, for some reason, they are attracted to those with substance use disorders. Instead, they just look to sort out those who drink too much alcohol.

Back to John and Lana. John could not see my perspective until he began to want more from Lana. It was only then that he realized how selfish she could be.

When he proposed ending their respective marriages and running off together, Lana told him that he did not make enough money for them to thrive.

When he countered that they each would receive some compensation from their long-term marriages, Lana switched and said that she could not hurt the children.

When John cited research that suggested divorce might be a desirable alternative for children who would otherwise grow up in a home that lacks love, Lana countered that she liked her home and neighborhood and did not want to move.

And finally, when John suggested that Lana go to therapy to sort things out, she responded negatively to the idea, just as his wife did.

As John found out more about his lover, he ended the relationship. But instead of going back to his wife, he ended that as well and decided to stay in therapy to learn how to make that adjustment he needed to choose a better mate, which he did.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.