5 Reasons Why Some Men Oppose Dual-Career Relationships

The days of the single-career family are almost over for most Americans. As of 2020, 62 percent of employees in the United States have a partner who also works full-time, and dual-career couples have become the standard (Wittenberg-Cox, 2020).

While men have traditionally dominated the world of work, in 2021 women had the highest rate of labor force participation since March 2020, the first month of the pandemic, at 57.8 percent. Of all the jobs added to the economy in the past year, 3.3. million went to women compared to 3.1 million for men. The largest increase in the female population was among Latinas and Black women (Carrazana, 2022).

The Gender Wage Gap

While the preceding findings point towards greater gender equality in the workplace, there continues to be a significant wage gap between men and women. According to the Pew Research Center, an analysis of median hourly earnings of both full- and part-time workers in 2020 indicated that women in the United States earned 84 percent of what men earned (Barroso & Brown, 2021).

Some buy into the myth that one major reason for the gender wage gap in our society is that women naturally gravitate towards the so-called “softer,” lower-paying jobs such as those in the social service industry (Elesser, 2019). But even those women who compete with men to pursue high-powered careers have found it significantly more difficult to reach the height of their professions and earn equal pay. This is in part, because of male discrimination, but also because the top jobs in fields such as law and business require maniacal dedication and significantly longer workweeks. This usually has a disproportionate impact on women who continue to take on the bulk of domestic and childrearing responsibilities (Yellen, 2020).

According to (Petiglieri, 2019), when both partners work, each reaps benefits such as increased economic freedom, a more satisfying relationship, and a decreased chance of divorce. But despite these advantages, I have found that many men still resent the prospect of their wives working outside the home.

Why Men Resist Their Wives Having Careers

The following five reasons may shed some light on why some men are resistant to their wives having careers. Please keep in mind that some of these reasons overlap and that this post is limited to heterosexual couples. While LGBT couples may experience a similar dynamic, I have found that their natural tendency towards egalitarianism provokes less difficulty in this context.

1. Competition: Some men are too competitive to tolerate their wives working outside the home. This may be especially true if they get a sense that their wives are likewise competitive and interested in building a career that may challenge the title of “breadwinner.” Historically, men are raised by their fathers to be aggressive and to “win.” While relational egalitarianism has been on the increase, competitiveness in general still represents the American way. Men who compete hard with other men in the workplace do not relish having to compete in their personal lives. Even if they perceive a dual-career relationship as generally positive, their competitive natures may struggle mightily with the concept.
2. Tradition: Some men may feel like “failures” if their wives work outside the home. The message, “A man is not a 'real' man unless he can support his family” might have been transmitted to them by their fathers and grandfathers. Other men may have been trained that it is the “right” way to live; the best way to provide the healthiest environment for their children. In some cases, however, spending too much time with a parent, particularly if he/she is disturbed, is not optimal. But for some twisted reason, sociology often outweighs psychology on this matter.
3. Control: Some men like to control every aspect of their relationships. They like to be the breadwinner, control the income, and basically, make all the important familial decisions. Depending on the personality of the female counterpart, this can work. But if, and when the man dies, chaos may ensue. That is, the wife might have absolutely no idea how anything works or where anything is, including her husband’s will. I have treated women over the years who had no idea how much money they had or where to even look for it. Some of these women hadn’t even driven a car in years.
4. Loss: Some men worry that the more their wives are out of the house, the better chance they will either cheat or leave them for someone else. You could call this insecurity, but there is some evidence to back up these concerns. While men still cheat more than women, the gap is closing, and the workplace is a prime context for infidelity (Russell, 2020). Ironically, I have found that the men who worried most about their wives straying were projecting their own desires onto their wives.
5. Infantilization: Some men were parentified (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark, 1973) as children and continue to play the caretaker/parental role in their marriages. This can result in the infantilization of their spouses which thwarts independence and competence. But it can also evolve into a full-blown parent/child dynamic, with the parent playing the “know-it-all,” dominant spouse and the child paying the “subordinate,” passive, childlike partner. At worse, the parental spouse may eventually become an angry, burdened partner and the childlike spouse a resentful, rebellious one.

Conclusion

I am sure there are more reasons to explain why a man would want to avoid a dual-career relationship, but I have found these to be predominant in my practice. But times have changed, especially from an economic context, and men will need to roll with the changes or strain themselves. Using a sports metaphor, rarely has a player on a team ever won a championship singlehandedly… it takes a team effort. While homemakers have contributed to the success of their familial/relational teams from a domestic perspective, they must now contribute their share in the marketplace just as men must carry their share of domestic responsibilities. Negotiating a fair and just balance in these contexts will produce winners—it is getting to be the only way to do so.