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Watch as a child enters a room. So often, they’ll scan and look for things with which they can play, or for another child with whom they can make an instant friend. Meanwhile, those of us who are more mature and with important things to do avoid eye contact with one another and exchange only niceties and pleasant greetings.
Zest, that wholeheartedness of living, is one of those attributes that have a robust correlation with deep satisfaction in life. [1] While our children exhibit it naturally and beautifully, somewhere along the line most of us lose this mirthful path to joy and fulfillment. [2]
We know from the studies in gratitude that people who look for, and write down, the things that they are grateful for, are happier with life. [3] And the more you do it, the more natural it becomes. We begin to see what has been right before our eyes all the time. So with the "Ten Thousand Things" [4] swirling around us every day, what if we look for, document and savor, the opportunities for humor and playfulness that are all around us?
There are different theories about humor; some based on superiority, incongruity or relief. I don’t address them all here and don’t have time for those that involve belittling or minimizing others. There are sufficient opportunities for laughter in our lives without ever having to hurt or harm.
McGraw and Warren posit that all humor arises from benign violations: (i) A situation is violated, (ii) that situation is benign and (iii) both perceptions appear simultaneously. [5]
The first part is easy. Stuff goes wrong all the time. Our most diligent plans fall apart. We trip over social norms. Things that once worked for us, fail. And then there all those things that just get on our nerves or under our skin: The guy who cuts us off in traffic, the child on the airplane kicking the back of our seat. Or the time the dog was so excited about the Christmas tree, he peed all over the presents when the children were sleeping.
These are all violations. But are they really severe or malign? Are they worth our getting angry or irritated, or disrupting our joy? When we pay attention, most of the intrusions and infractions in our lives are mild or manageable, and even quite funny.
Here's an example: Eight Buddhist monks had been at work for days, sitting cross-legged on the floor, shifting grain after grain of colored sand into a mandala, a depiction of where the deities reside. When they came back again in the morning, they discovered that a happy toddler had found their spot. He slipped beneath the rope, looking for a place to play, and in a few moments, danced on the work they had done. And so the monks laughed and laughed and laughed. And then they started their mandala all over again. [6]
Like the gratitude log that has worked so well for so many, what if we went out looking for the humor all around us? Or if we sought out the opportunities for playfulness and laughter that are right there in front of our eyes? And like the small child with his instant friend, what if we invited others to share in our play?
Now, of course, not every violation is innocuous and benign. What of those that are corrosive or malignant or tear at our hearts? Someone gets hurt, or a loved one falls ill.
We know how our biases work, how we notice and find what we go looking for. And we know too, that what we see and believe fuels our resilience and happiness and sense of hope. It does not mean that the other narratives are untrue. They are just incomplete. When faced with the horrible or disheartening, look for the humanity that is there. Seek out evidence that restores our faith in one another. Pay attention to the opportunities to connect with those other living-breathing beings with whom we are twirling around the sun. Looking for the humor, looking for the humanity, is a good, pragmatic, practical strategy to living in a world where all types of violations occur.
After all, life should be about laughter and joy and making things a little bit easier and more gentle for one another. After all, as the poet said, we have everything on this earth that we need to make life worth living. [7] Go out and find it.
©2019 John Albert Doyle, Jr.
This article first appeared in the MAPP Alumni Magazine, 2019: Vol. 2.
References
[1] The character strengths most highly related to life satisfaction are hope (r = .53), zest (r = .52), gratitude (r = .43), curiosity (r = .39), and love (r = .35). These strengths consistently and repeatedly show a robust, consistent relationship with life satisfaction. Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Strengths of character and well-being. Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, 23, 603–619. Summary of the study retrieved directly from the VIA Institute on Character: http://www.viacharacter.org/
[2] When compared with U.S. adults, youth from the U.S. are higher on the character strengths of hope, teamwork, and zest and adults are higher on appreciation of beauty & excellence, honesty, leadership, open-mindedness. Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2006). Moral competence and character strengths among adolescents: The development and validation of the Values in Action Inventory of Strengths for Youth. Journal of Adolescence, 29, 891-905. Summary of the study retrieved directly from the VIA Institute on Character: http://www.viacharacter.org/
[3] Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 377–389.
[4] In the Tao Te Ching, “The Ten Thousand Things,” was meant to refer to the indefinitely large, uncountable, multitude of all forms and beings in manifest existence. See also, μύριοι or myrioi, from Classical Greek for a myriad; ten thousand; a practically uncountable number
[5] For an extensive list of research on Benign Violation Theory by Peter McGraw and Caleb Warren, see http://leeds-faculty.colorado.edu/mcgrawp/Benign_Violation_Theory.html
[6] Campbell, M. (2007, May 23). Toddler's dance destroys monks' intricate sand painting. The Kansas City Star. Retrieved from http://www.buddhistchannel.tv/index.php?id=63,4179,0,0,1,0#.XKAQFphKg2x
[7] Darwīsh, M. (2013). On This Earth, In M. ʻAkash, C. Forché, S. Antoon, A. El-Zein, & F. Joudah, (Eds and Trans.) Unfortunately, it was paradise: Selected poems. (p. 6) Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.
