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Relationships
Yes, No, Wow
3 words that set the foundation of a happy and successful life.
Posted July 28, 2023 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Yes is about being able to give of yourself to others, giving love, care, and having a generous heart; it is about feeling worthy to receive from others—love, compliments, and other good things—and it is also about being able to give to yourself, to be self-forgiving and self-compassionate. It is about believing in yourself. These are all forms of Yes.
No is about being able to refuse requests and maintain reasonable control over your life, being appropriately assertive, and not being overly concerned with the approval of others. It is about accepting no in the form of criticism and rejection without being damaged or unduly discouraged; it is about being able to say No to yourself when it comes to negative impulses and excesses, such as over-eating, alcoholism, rage, and other impulse problems.
Wow is about maintaining or regaining the freshness and excitement we had as children. The ability to play, to marvel at a sunset, to enjoy the fruits of our labors. Wow involves bringing enthusiasm and energy into your life.
Receiving Yes
How often do we hear ourselves uttering such phrases as “You shouldn’t have…I don’t deserve it…It embarrasses me…No, thank you”? Receiving from others often leaves a feeling of indebtedness for some of us, an uncomfortable state of being vulnerable. There is no way to completely take the risk out of receiving love and other good things; you are softening to another person, even if it is ever so slightly in the case of a compliment or in the case of love.
When you expose yourself to someone, you inevitably take the chance of being hurt. That’s why some people prefer not to receive gifts, compliments, or even love; they would rather live enclosed lives than risk the pain of being hurt.
Giving Yes
Why do some people seem to be withholding love, compliments, and giving of themselves? Giving to others requires that you be self-interested enough to care for yourself and to take care of yourself. If you don’t learn to do that, you cannot care properly for others. If we cannot love ourselves, where will we draw our love and generosity for anyone else?
If we cannot forgive ourselves and show ourselves kindness, how will we offer that to others? Our emotional system is like a bank: We must have resources to draw from and an ability to replenish.
People who do not love themselves can adore others because adoration is making someone big and us small. They can desire others because their desire comes out of an inner hunger, which demands to be filled. But their ability to love is limited, they cannot love or offer true forgiveness, apologies, or kindness, because they don’t provide that for themselves, they don’t have it to give.
Saying Yes to Yourself
There is a very basic decision each of us has to make for ourselves: Do you want to lift yourself or put yourself down? Are you for yourself or against yourself? It may seem odd to pose that question, but many people are their own worst enemy.
They think their choice in life is between being perfect and being the worst thing that ever lived. These people don’t have the inner glow; they’ll never have it unless they see the ways they’re pulling themselves down and choose not to do it any longer
No: Accepting Rejection
No is a dreaded word that is not very popular if we are on the receiving end. However, our ability to manage the disappointment that often accompanies this word comes down to the meaning we attach to it.
A man, for example, informs his girlfriend that he wishes to end the relationship. This is disappointing and hurtful. But what if the rejected lover convinces herself that she’ll never find another man as good as him; that she is a worthless person; that if he didn’t want her, nobody will; that he had no right to reject her?
Believing any of these things will make her hurt (and anger) much more devastating and paralyze her.
There are certain occupations—the arts and sales, for example—where no is common. Actors, writers, painters, and salespeople hear no much more often than they hear yes.
Those who can be more objective in their interpretations of no can roll with the punches; those who take it personally become defeated. They often drink more than they should, brag, make up stories to compensate, and put others down in a misguided attempt to soothe their egos.
No: Necessary Losses
It seems that some losses resist healing. Is there anything that can help mend the wound? When we think of loss, we often think of the loss, through death, of people we love. But loss comes in many other guises.
We lose not only through death but through our separations, our aging and our changing, and the changes that occur around us. That is life. There is no escaping the human condition, which involves pain and difficulty and loss.
We cannot grow without giving up something, and we cannot love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. Central to how we live our lives is how we manage losing, leaving, and letting go.
Loss, like any other obstacle in life, can defeat us or make us stronger. If we bring everything we have to bear on the challenges of loss and make the very most of the new opportunities that may open up for us, it is like drilling a well to an untapped energy reserve, like finding a bank account we haven’t yet used. Knowing how to tap into our strength can lead to wisdom and bring back hope.
Saying No to Yourself
Is it possible to avoid excess, self-defeating behavior patterns, and the like? We are all fallible—it’s part of the human condition—but it is realistic to expect that you can exercise more control over your emotions and behavior.
Part of regaining control is looking into yourself to see what you are doing that is not good for you. You need to see the ways you’re pulling yourself down and decide that’s not what you want to do.
Another important element is having compassion for yourself. If you go on a diet, for example, and then fall off, overeating is nothing compared with the orgy of castigation that usually occurs. What about the time on the diet? Why not give yourself credit for that and go right back on it? A little self-compassion can go a long way.
The pitfall is that it probably wasn’t the food that was irresistible, it was the temptation to tear down the positive self-image that was building up. Unfortunately, many of us put labels on ourselves—we say: I am weak, I am fat, I am bad—and we then dwell on our defeats, rather than our triumphs. If we don’t give undue power to setbacks it is like removing weight from our psyche.
What we have to believe is that setbacks are not terminal. Most of us are so concerned with appearing to be in control that we have little energy left for actually gaining control.
Bringing in Wow
Getting Yes and No straight may seem like a lot of work, but it doesn’t require you to be so self-conscious that you become like the centipede who forgot how to walk. On the other hand, living out your true feelings does take some work. A critically important part of that work is learning how to talk to yourself. You need to be able to reassure yourself.
When the child in you is up to no good, you need to be able to say no, you need to develop the ability to stop yourself from self-defeating patterns and to appreciate your many assets. At first, it is hard to develop that healthy inner voice, but then it gets easier. If you’re willing to invest the effort, wow will follow.
The irony is that wow, an ecstatic state of awe and wonderment, won’t initially come as a result of “letting go.” It will be the result of “taking hold.” Only when you’re really in charge of yourself will letting go be a healthy part of your experience; that is, when you can let go, be spontaneous and pull out all the stops without fear of crashing.
That’s why love is so much more vibrant for those who have the self-possession to abandon themselves—they know they’ll come out of it intact.
