The Motherhood Constellation

It seems that in the past decade or two, the advent of the “capital E” Events in courtship and family expansion have taken on a new significance in the world of social media. Invitations to high school proms have become amazingly creative and photo op-ready. Marriage proposals and engagement announcements show up on Facebook in creative and sentimentally picturesque poses. Expectant moms-to-be stage amazingly cute photo sets to announce the news to the father as well as all of their social media contacts.

This week alone, I’ve gotten the opportunity to take a peek at three “budding babies” through the Facebook sharing of ultrasounds of my friends who are expecting or the proud grandparents-to-be of those ultrasonic images. One couple is proudly holding pumpkins labeled “Mommy,” “Daddy,” and tucked into the carved out middle of the “Mommy” pumpkin, labeled with “Baby,” is the “little punkin” who will be joining the family early next year. Long before the Internet, back when personal events were considered private events, the emotional impact of our transitions through the lifespan did not pack any less of a punch. Even without the photo ops, reaching developmental milestones carried a weighty significance that was perhaps even more intensely experienced when there was still an air of “intimacy” about some aspects of our lives.

Becoming a mother, for many women, is the ultimate achievement of her life – born to propagate the species, desiring to earn the approval of her own mother, and feeling the need to conform to society’s expectations of motherhood, when a woman chooses to give birth and raise a child, she is gratifying the desires of others both known and unknown to her.

Entering the “Motherhood Constellation”

There is a period in which women experience a shift in their attention and priorities of cognitive concern which has been termed by Daniel Stern (1995) as the motherhood constellation. A psychic shift occurs for women as they move into the new all-consuming role of mother. No longer focused on the male/partner-female roles in her life, pregnancy and motherhood bring on a new triadic focus for women made up of three players – her mother, herself, and her baby.

Making up the motherhood constellation are four themes that surround this triumvirate: life growth, or the concern for her baby’s development; primary relatedness, referring to a mother’s connection to her child; supporting matrix, including the support systems necessary for her to successfully raise her child; and identity reorganization, which refers to a mother’s ability to shift her focus and priorities and self-image to meet the needs of her motherhood responsibilities.

New mothers need a maternal figure, ideally their own mother, to validate their parenting abilities and successes as mothers. Thus, this can underscore how satisfying it can be for mothers to receive positive feedback about their parenting abilities from their own mothers. When asked about the most important periods of transition in their relationships with their mothers, becoming a mother themselves stood out across generations and cultural identities. One woman described the experience of “coming of age” as a mother as having shifted her relationship with her own mother from “mother to best friend.” Like many women, joining the ranks of experienced mother brought new credibility to their worth and a new sense of connection to their mothers.

Is there a “Grandmotherhood Constellation”?

While many mothers of daughters firmly in their peak “reproductive years” may long to hear news of a new pregnancy, some are not nearly as eager. Research suggests that the psychological transition to grandparenthood occurs in “expectant grandmothers,” rather than after the arrival of the first grandchild (Shlomo et al., 2010). For many women today, this transition does not simply represent taking on a new special social status worthy of reverence, but rather crossing into the state of “being old" for some age-denying women, so to speak. Being able to move into that role, however, can pay off big dividends for all three generations. When a grandmother is able to spend quality time with her grandkids, not only do the kids win out, but her own mental well-being is enhanced even when we take into consideration the costs of time and energy invested in the effort to get together. Researchers (Henderson et al., 2009) have found that for children of divorced parents, and it seems like that is the growing majority, the active presence of maternal grandmothers in the children’s life positively influences their psychological adjustment.

Sacred Moments in a Baby’s Life

There are four sacred moments, according to Navajo tradition, during which spirit enters a baby’s human form. These moments are conception; when an expectant mother first feels the baby move; when the baby takes her first breath after delivery; and when a baby first laughs. And each of the moments at which “spirit” enters an infant’s physical body can propel a new mother ever closer to her own mother or a “stand-in” mother, if need be. Women are aware of the significant power they hold to bring life and form to our generations’ hope for the future. This recognition – at a level deeper than simple cognitive awareness – heightens the desire that women feel to connect with the generations that came before them. That connection can bring a sense of wonder and peace to even the most hectic and overwhelming times of a new parent's life.

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References

Henderson, C. E., Hayslip, B., Sanders, L. M., & Louden, L. (2009). Grandmother-grandchild relationship quality predicts psychological adjustment among youth from divorced families. Journal of Family Issues, 30, 1254-1264.

Shlomo, S. B., Taubman-Ben-Ari, O., Findler, L., Sivan, E., & Dolizki, M. (2010). Becoming a grandmother: Maternal grandmothers’ mental health, perceived costs, and personal growth. Social Work Research, 34, 45-57.

Stern, D. N. (1995). The motherhood constellation: A unified view of parent-infant psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.