Self-Compassion: Developing the Reflex of Care

At its most simple, self-compassion is about treating oneself with kindness in the face of life's inevitable challenges. This may sound simple, but it is definitely not easy.

The unfortunate first instinct many of us have when we encounter difficulties is to criticize ourselves in some way. We might tell ourselves to “suck it up,” “get over it,” or try to convince ourselves “it’s no big deal.” We might blame ourselves for whatever happened or get upset with ourselves for having whatever emotions we have. We might try to blot it out of our awareness with unhelpful distractions or even addictions. Suffice it to say, the typical response for many of us is quite far removed from self-compassion.

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What does it mean to be kind or compassionate to oneself?

Many of us equate these words with being self-indulgent or self-absorbed as if being kind to ourselves has to be at someone else’s expense. We might imagine that self-compassion means putting ourselves first at all times, ignoring our loved ones or our responsibilities, putting our feet up, and going on permanent vacation.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. For many of us, self-compassion starts to even the playing field so we can give ourselves at least as much care as we give to others. Self-compassion can even improve our interpersonal interactions.

For instance, one study (Yarnell & Neff, 2011) found that people with higher self-compassion were better able to compromise in interpersonal situations instead of subordinating themselves or putting their own needs ahead of others’. Even better, people with higher self-compassion reported feeling more authentic in these interpersonal interactions.

Self-compassion also helps our overall emotional well-being. A recent meta-analysis (Ferrari et al., 2019) found that self-compassion brings improvements in a range of areas, including depression, self-criticism, rumination, stress, and even eating behaviors.

How can you get started with self-compassion?

One simple practice is to begin developing what I call the reflex of care. To do this, start by noticing how you are feeling from time to time during the day. If it helps, you can set the alarm for yourself or plan to do it at regular times, like with your morning coffee or during a lunch break.

At these times, simply notice how you are feeling. What feels pleasant, and what feels challenging? Just tune in and listen to your own inner experience. Then, instead of reflexively criticizing, minimizing, or trying to tune out these feelings, give yourself a simple, caring acknowledgment of what you are going through.

Imagine what you might say to a friend if they told you about a difficulty they were having. You might say something like, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” or “This is really hard,” or even “How can I help?” Try to offer yourself the same simple validation and acknowledgment.

It’s OK for things to feel hard; it’s OK to go through difficult times and feel painful things. This is part of the human experience. You may not be able to fix it, and you may not have a lot of time to be with the emotion at that moment, but giving yourself just a little simple kindness and support can go a long way to soothing and even resolving the pain.

Although there are many wonderful guided self-compassion practices available on the internet, this simple intervention can be done any time you remember it during the day. Gradually, you will build a new way of relating to your inner experience. Instead of the reflex of rejection and criticism, you will be building a more healthy reflex of care that will make your inner world a more kind and friendly place.