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Key points
- Scholars have identified masculine and feminine communication styles that can be changed for greater impact.
- Impactful and inclusive communication is audience-focused, nuanced, trust-building, and balanced.
- Undermining speech habits and/or strategic softeners can be replaced in favor of clean and impactful speech.
The best communicators draw on what is needed in a given moment, for a given audience. This often is a mix of objectivity, facts, emotion, and connection. Some researchers have categorized and studied this as masculine and feminine styles of communication. Yet, if we want to communicate in a way that takes us beyond simply making sense to making sensation—having impact—we need to expand our repertoire and be adept at using both, including the nuance in between.
From Separate Spheres to a Continuum of Choice
The idea that there are masculine and feminine styles of public speaking is a concept introduced by Karlyn Kohrs Campbell, in her study of Victorian feminist female orators.
Kohrs Campbell claims that the "masculine" style of speech is logical, deductive, impersonal, intellectual, self-reliant, self-confident, and independent. The "feminine" style of speech makes emotional connections—uses a personal tone; relies on personal examples, subjective experience, and anecdotes; and seeks to engage the audience through participation and identification (Kohrs Campbell, 1989). There are two distinct spheres generally inhabited by the corresponding gender.
Deborah Tannen coined the term "genderlect" to describe how the speech of men and women is not right or wrong, superior or inferior—just different. Fundamentally, women seek connection to create rapport and build connection, and men seek status—relying on "solid" facts in order to gain, preserve, and assert their status.
Women often find themselves facing a double bind around warmth and competence when it comes to communicating. They can be warm or competent but not both. An overly warm/friendly style of communication runs the risk of not being taken seriously. But a too-competent/assertive style is often seen as confrontational and aggressive and, hence, not likable.
The good news is that with more women in leadership roles and more and more individuals communicating across various platforms, this double bind is gradually disappearing, and we are also exposed to more and more different and effective styles of communication. So, how can we move beyond the binary—two distinct styles—and create a continuum of choice so we are able to make more sense and sensation when we communicate?
5 Ways to Expand Your Communication Repertoire
We can be commanding yet caring, factual and emotive, rational and anecdotal. We can choose to flex the old gendered language patterns, style, content, and tone and mix it up to suit our purpose, engage our audience (of whichever genders) and have the greatest impact.
1. Understand your audience: Who are they, what do they want/need, what are they concerned about, where are they now, and where do they want to be in the future? Only then we can select which communication tools/style(s) are needed. By understanding what is important to them, we can come to a more integrated approach—to a style that responds to wants/needs, and maybe even surfaces other styles that we haven't yet determined—to create and deliver communication that is audience-led, engaging, inclusive, impactful, and powerful.
2. Embrace the “and”: Judith Tingley, in her book Genderflex: Men and Women Speaking Each Other’s Language at Work (1994), talks about "genderflexing" as “the ability to temporarily use communication behavior typical of the other gender in order to increase potential for influence." Look for a balance between the rational and evidence-based and the personal and empathetic touches based on your audience.
3. Build trust in your audience members: We tend to like and trust those more like us and distrust those who are different. Create connection and appeal to the audience by meeting them where they are and "talking their language"—this promotes inclusivity and an appreciation of difference. Focus on what Adam Grant calls being a “giver”—share new insights and information that will benefit your audience. Be consistent—we trust people who do what they say, walk their why, and walk their talk.
4. Remove and replace any undermining speech patterns and/or “strategic” softening: If you find yourself using words and phrases like "just," "actually," "kind of," "May I have just a little of your time?," and "I’m no expert but…," know that these can undermine how you are perceived. These patterns can stem from a combination of habit, self-doubt, and/or decisions to soften how you communicate and can be changed!
- Do a quick check and see which if any of these offenders might be getting in your way. Set yourself a goal of working on one or two of these in the next two weeks. Start by reviewing how you write emails and removing these words or phrases that may undermine your credibility/authority. Next, start to pay attention to your speech.
- If you are over-reliant on "strategic softening" (e.g., "I am sure you have already thought about this") ask yourself,
Is my original assumption about the need to soften my speech still valid?
How can I check?
And—maybe it is time to update or replace this belief!
5. Balance warmth and competence: We assess one another based on warmth and competence. Warmth is assessed quickly and intuitively—"Is this a friend or foe?" "Do I like/trust them?"—and those first impressions are hard to break. Competence is assessed more rationally, and over time—"How clever/helpful/useful is this person?"—and, it’s easier to change a negative impression over time.
Given that this way we assess has its roots in evolutionary biology, it makes sense to lead with warmth, putting your audience at ease. Bring in competence next, and close out with warmth.
For greatest impact and influence, we need communication breadth and nuance that can be found across a continuum of choice that focuses on the needs, wants, differences, and complexity of the audience; building trust; clean speech patterns; and a balance of warmth and competence. Impactful and inclusive communicators look to create more space for both their and others' voices to make more sensation.
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