Verified by 
Asking for and going through a divorce can be traumatic. If you have already experienced other elements of stress before seeking a divorce, the grieving process that comes along with a divorce can add complexity. Most people do not marry and expect to divorce and yet in the United States alone, the divorce rate is estimated at 42 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control. When the image of your married life ends, there will inevitably be pain and heartache even if you were the one who wanted it. A divorce is a loss and with loss comes grief.
Navigating grief in divorce in addition to managing pre-existing conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder can be a lot to process; for me personally, it was post-traumatic stress and dissociative identity disorder. The whole experience can be stressful. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress that may be exacerbated by divorce include but are not limited to negative thinking, suicidal ideation, hypervigilance, irritability, self-destructive behaviors, social isolation, flashbacks, fear, anxiety, mistrust, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt, loneliness, insomnia, nightmares, and emotional detachment. These symptoms can come about even without a formal mental health diagnosis; people with histories of trauma are particularly prone to worsening symptoms. If you are going through a divorce, support is crucial; and if you are experiencing suicidal ideation, seek help immediately.
With the complexities of grief, loss, trauma, and divorce here are some tips to support you on your journey.
1. Seek support. Each person’s degree of support will vary. You might seek a licensed therapist, mental health practitioner, or support group.
2. Ask for help, and allow yourself to receive it. If you have a support system of friends and family, and they offer to help you; saying yes can be a game changer. Be clear on what feels okay to accept and say no if the help offered is not what you want, need, or feel comfortable accepting. For those with PTSD, asking for and receiving help can be challenging because mistrust from prior betrayals can make accepting help difficult.
3. Observe opinions. You can listen to and observe people's opinions, which does not mean you have to agree. People talk. That is reality. We live in a judgmental world where people project their insecurities and fears onto others and while you are going through a divorce, "everyone" will have something to say. Prepare yourself for pity, sympathy, empathy, misunderstanding, and judgment. This is your life and your reality, and you can choose where you place your energy.
4. Never underestimate the power of a sound financial advisor and attorney. If you can afford these resources these entities can help you navigate the next steps depending on where you are in the divorce process. If you are or have experienced domestic violence you will want to know the resources in your area, as well as obtain guidance around safety or legal matters.
5. Manage stress: When stress is high, our natural human nature is to experience the fight, flight, and freeze. Some individuals also have a fawn or people-pleasing response—even without PTSD. You want to be sure that you are taking active steps to cope. Sleep routine, movement, hobbies, nature, and remaining in connection to your support system can assist in managing your stress. Seek help if suicidal ideation is especially present.
6. Rediscover you. Who were you when you decided to get married? What did you like to do? What did you like to do when you were young? Believe it or not, going through a divorce will likely have you reflecting upon your childhood, what your parents were like, where things went well, where things went bad, and other experiences. A divorce is an opportunity to reflect upon your life—the past, present, the good, the bad, the indifferent, and the opportunity to envision something different.
7. Never hurry the journey. You will find yourself comparing yourself to people you know who have sought a divorce. Colleagues, family members, friends, and the reality is they are not you. They are not living your life and therefore your pace is your pace and theirs is theirs.
8. Have hope and allow yourself to dream. A divorce can feel and is for some the worst event in their life. Having hope or allowing someone else to hold hope for you is important. Sometimes divorce can feel like you are looking through mud-covered glasses. Everything feels overwhelming. Only you can walk your path. Creating a vision board or beginning to allow yourself to dream about future hopes (living somewhere new, life with a different partner, a career move, traveling, connecting with your children). There are a lot of people who have experienced divorce. You are not alone.
9. Rest. Whatever that looks like for you, a picnic in the park, yoga therapy, reading a book, taking a vacation, movie nights with friends, or crying under the covers. Be mindful of symptoms, if the grief starts to interfere with social, occupational, or interpersonal functioning you can address it before the presence of a major depressive episode.
10. Love. As best you can, offer yourself love, grace, and compassion. Blame and self-hate will only lead to shame, and shame can be dangerous and lead to things like suicidal depression. At the end of the day, most if not all humans want to feel loved and safe. Going through a divorce can feel like anything but love and safety, which is why it is important to show that towards ourselves (and all parts) as best we can.
You are worthy of a new beginning!
