How Being Wildly Consistent Improves Your Parenting

At one movie, you buy your kid Skittles. At the next, you say, “No candy, it’ll ruin your teeth,” and your kid yells and cries. One night, you read your kid four books, but the next you insist you only have time to read two, and they beg and whine for more. One morning you ask your child, “What do you feel like for breakfast?” and the next you say, “We’re having oatmeal and you can’t have anything different,” and they refuse the oatmeal with crossed arms, a stomp, and a “No way!”

When parents are inconsistent with limits, it strengthens kids’ oppositional behavior and invites whining, crying, or screaming. It hard-wires kids to fight harder (by whining, begging, crying, yelling, and objecting) to get things. Research suggests that intermittent and random reinforcement are even more powerful than regular reinforcement — they lead to more persistence and higher total effort toward getting a perceived reward (Hogarth & Villeval, 2010).

Don’t Break the Seal: The Chocolate Milk Effect

For about 6 years, a child had never heard of chocolate milk. His parents never bought it and he never drank it. The boy drank plain milk, no problem. One day, the boy was given chocolate milk. From then on, every time he caught sight of it (on a restaurant menu or in the grocery store), he begged for it. Introducing a child to a treat or experience even once can lead a child to plead for it.

When you’re at Target and your kid is hollering so loudly that they can be heard in the next state over that they want a toy, there is a high likelihood they have gotten a toy at Target before, even if it was only once.

Once you “break the seal” and give in, random reinforcement is triggered. Kids remember for such a long time, and it's hard to backpedal.

Parental Consistency Helps Kids to Be Happier, Healthier, and More Cooperative

Research suggests that adolescents who experience more consistency in positive interactions with parents have fewer depressive and physical health symptoms (e.g., colds, flu) (Lippold et al., 2016). On the flip side, negative, inconsistent parental behavior is associated with the emergence of behavior problems in early childhood and predicts their persistence to school age (Campbell, 1995). Inconsistent discipline has also been found to predict an increase in adolescent delinquent-oriented attitudes and antisocial behaviors (and a decrease in socially competent behaviors) (Halgunseth et al., 2013).

Calm Consistency Is Associated With Parental Warmth

Calm and firm consistency is associated with parental warmth. Parental warmth encompasses being loving, affectionate, positive, responsive, and non-punitive.

Parental warmth is significantly correlated with positive psychological adjustment and personality disposition — including independence, positive self-esteem, positive self-adequacy, emotional responsiveness, emotional stability, and positive worldview (Khaleque, 2013). In contrast, low levels of warmth in parents are associated with high levels of oppositional behavior in children (Stormshak et al., 2000).

Here are some examples of ways parents can be warm, calm, and consistent:

• Have a consistent expectation to read for 30 minutes before watching TV.
• Read the same number of books each night for the bedtime routine.
• Have a consistent alternative to dinner (if your child doesn’t like the dinner food they can always have Cheerios or a PB and J sandwich).
• Have a consistent number of minutes your child can watch TV/engage in screen time (e.g. 60 minutes per day).
• Give your child a consistent daily chore (e.g. empty the dishwasher).
• Give a consistent treat (e.g. fruit bar) to a child for helping at the grocery store.
• Establish strong when/then routines – e.g. “When you finish your homework, then you can go to the neighbor’s house” or “When you take your shower, then you can watch your show.”

Any effort toward being wildly consistent will seriously improve children’s behavior and cooperation. Just like adults, children love knowing what to expect. They feel comforted by knowing their boundaries and routines.