Is the Term "Mrs." Becoming Old-Fashioned?

“So, wait,” I asked again, pulling at my mother’s apron while she was cooking dinner, “how come you are ‘Mrs. Gillis’ but I am ‘Ms. Gillis'?”

My mother sighed, putting down her spatula, and turned to me, one hand on her hip. “Because I am married, and you are not,” she explained again.

“So that means dad is Mrs. Gillis?” My mom chuckled before explaining that he was Mr. Gillis because he is a man. “So, Will is Ms. Gillis?” I tried again, desperate to have someone on my team, and hoping my little brother would be with me. “No, Will is a boy. So he is Mr. Gillis.”

“Oh,” I chewed it over, “So, when I get married, I will be Mrs. Gillis?”

“No, Kaytlyn,” my mom began, turning to face me. My full legal first name was used, so I knew her patience was waning, and I was treading on thin ice. “You will have the last name of your husband.”

“So I can't keep my own name?” Because of the ignorance of youth, I thought my family planned to give me away someday to a new family.

My mind turned over and over. I couldn’t understand. But already I was learning the rules. I had different expectations of me based on my gender.

This wasn’t the first, and certainly wouldn’t be the last, time that I had difficulty with this. Years later, my father would give my younger brother a gift with our last name on it. When I did not receive the same engravement on my gift, he said, “Because this won't always be your last name.”

"Why not?" I asked again and again. I didn't understand why my identity was subject to change but my brother's wasn't. I was still young enough that I didn't understand gender differences other than socially constructed rules: We had to wear differently styled bathing suits, but we both changed in the same locker room with Mom at the pool. I just didn't understand.

Source: Tung Lam / Pixabay

Like many kids, I was learning fast what expectations were placed on me because of my gender. Marriage has long been one of the areas where women have different expectations put on them than men, including the long-held tradition of "taking" her husband's name.

Not surprisingly, younger generations are changing this trend. More than a quarter of women with advanced degrees, and about 20 percent of younger women in general, chose to keep their own name when they married (Lin, 2023). Could these changes be highlighting an apparent social shift toward more egalitarian relationships?

The historical evolution of honorifics "Mrs." and "Ms." provides insight into the gender dynamics deeply ingrained within language and society. Around the mid-19th century, "Mrs." originated as an abbreviation for "mistress," signifying a woman's marital status and her subordination to her husband (Erickson, 2014).

Conversely, "Ms." emerged in the mid-20th century as a more inclusive title, allowing women to assert their identity beyond marital ties. However, the patriarchal origins of "Mrs." persist in its historical association with a woman's marital status, perpetuating unequal power dynamics and reinforcing traditional gender roles. "The name-changing practice is deeply rooted in history, when women had few rights and were prohibited from owning property" (Diaz, 2023).

Many feel the use of "Mrs." within contemporary discourse often results in the erasure of a woman's individual identity, emphasizing her marital status over her personal achievements and autonomy. For instance, professional contexts where women are routinely addressed as "Mrs." instead of using their professional titles (such as senator or doctor) highlight how the use of this honorific can perpetuate sexist assumptions and undermine women's professional identities. This phenomenon reflects broader societal attitudes that prioritize a woman's role within the context of marriage over her own agency and accomplishments. Such examples underscore the linguistic practices that contribute to the marginalization and erasure of women's identities. For those of us who often had our identities challenged and demeaned, such as LGBTQ individuals and survivors of narcissistic and abusive families, this erasure can be especially triggering.

Still, there are many who feel honored to take their partner's last name, either to stand with tradition or to get away from a last name they didn't connect with for whatever reason. In fact, research from the Pew Research Center last year shows that about 8 out of 10 women still take their husband's last name upon marriage (Lin, 2023). (This same research study found LGBTQ relationships to be too small of a sample size to analyze, but I wonder if this community has different statistics. Many of my queer friends and colleagues choose to take their partner's name, or even picked a new one.)

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It will be interesting to see where this takes us with the coming generations.