Posting an Ex's Secrets Online: A New Form of Revenge Porn?

Seeing your private life posted all over the internet is violating and humiliating.

Source: Geralt/Pixabay

Sue, 28 years old, woke up to a text message from a friend saying "you have to see this," with a link to a social media posting attached. Squinting against the blue light, she used her right thumb and index finger to zoom in—and immediately dropped her phone. There for the world to see were the intimate details from the darkest corners of her life, secrets she held in the bottom of her core.

Her tumultuous relationship with her mother, the private details of her sister’s struggles with mental illness, even her childhood sexual abuse—all were posted on her ex-boyfriend’s social media page. Sue felt violated in the worst way, as if she had been seen naked and shamed. These were intimate and private secrets that only a couple of people in her life knew about.

Revenge-posting often refers to when a person posts intimate photos or videos of a victim without their consent, in an attempt to humiliate and harm their reputation. In many states, this act is punishable as a crime, with a hefty fine or even jail time. However, even though posting intimate details of a person’s private life can be just as damaging, there are few laws available to protect victims in this situation.

Following the ending of their relationship over a year ago, her ex was unrelenting in his retaliatory efforts. “He’s just angry,” Sue often thought to herself, “it will eventually blow over.” But it wasn’t stopping. Sue felt powerless to stop it. Going to the police was pointless, as they told her there was nothing they could do. "This is normal breakup stuff,” one told her, disinterested, “Just delete your social media and ignore it.” Only physical abuse seems to warrant protection in the eyes of the law, even though to Sue this felt worse.

Even though she knew it would upset her, Sue looked again at her ex’s profile a couple of days later, glancing at the comments under another new post. While a couple of well-meaning people had rightfully called the post inappropriate and prompted the author to take it down, many were egging him on, fueling the already present anger emanating from his keyboard. Her thumb hovered on the three dots in the top right corner of the post, clicking again on the word “report post."

Fifteen seconds later, she received an alert that Facebook would “look into” the post that she deemed inappropriate, thanking her for her feedback. “It’s been up there for days,” she thought to herself, crushed with humiliation. "What if my grandmother, my coworkers, or my boss saw it?! This just won't end!" Sue felt hopeless and helpless.

The scariest thing about digital abuse is how a victim can never know how far it went, how many people it reached, and how much those who saw it bought it. A victim no longer knows who to trust online, and it is easier than ever for bystanders to watch the drama unfold from the privacy of their smartphones. Just as people who have had their nakedness posted on the internet for all to see, these victims of digital abuse are at the mercy of the site owners to take it down, silently praying for only minimal damage as the hours tick by. This means that oftentimes these acts of abuse go unreported and unpunished, exacerbating the isolation and hopelessness that victims of domestic abuse already feel when they leave a relationship.

The truth is that few people will go out of their way to protect a victim, as few want to get involved in what seems like a "domestic issue." And when the abuse is taking place online in a public forum, the reaction is the same as if it were taking place in a public shopping mall: observers are not likely to help. The bystander effect takes over, and most people choose to do nothing. Ironically, people tend to get much more negative attention for posting unpopular political opinions online than for posting abusive statements about someone they personally know.

Despite this behavior clearly following the patterns of domestic abuse, the law still has very little understanding of retaliatory abuse. Therefore, it unfortunately often comes down to the victims to best protect themselves in these situations. As this form of domestic abuse is much more common than many realize, I find myself working with clients frequently to help mitigate the trauma's lasting effects.

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Here is some advice for victims experiencing retaliatory abuse online.

1. Trust that those who care about you will love you anyway. Trust that those who truly care about you will still be there even after learning these things. Most human beings will see this individual's action for the malicious act that it is, and will not look down on you. If they do, they are not worth keeping in your life.

2. Make a point to kindly ask friends and family not to mention their postings unless it contains a direct threat or might instigate a dangerous situation. I always recommend removing any mutual contacts on social media to prevent these slip-ups (see my previous post on Navigating a Smear Campaign), but there will be times when this is unavoidable. This way you do not have to hear about the daily venting sessions that they spew to their social media audience, and can instead focus on damage control only when it warrants your attention.

3. Another good reason to go no-contact is to avoid the temptation to seek your own revenge. You might see a photo of them being happy at work and think, “They tried to get me fired from my job, so why shouldn’t I do the same thing?” Avoid thoughts that plot to harm your abuser in retribution, as this kind of thinking only keeps you at their level, playing in their game. Resist any temptation to post about them as a form of revenge, as this will fuel the belief that their actions towards you are part of a series of mutual maltreatment and not the abuse that it is.

4. No matter how bad the situation seems when comparing yourself to others, remember that you are better now because you are safe. Rise above them, and rise above that behavior. Someone who is capable of treating you with such cruelty does not deserve your energy. Focus on healing and moving forward.

Thank them for reminding you why you left, in case there was any doubt at all.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse or fear for your safety, call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).