What Sexual Fantasies Can Do for a Relationship

Fantasmatic self-portrait

Source: Samarel - Erotic art & portraits/Gurit Birnbaum's album

Fantasies offer us a view of the quality of daydreamers’ real-life relationships (Read more here.) And yet, fantasies have their own life and power. They may affect the relational atmosphere as much as they can reflect it. But does fantasizing about sex promote a relationship or damage it? The answer, of course, depends on the fantasies.

Many people worry about the broader implications of having certain sexual fantasies—asking themselves, for example, why they think about having sex with anyone other than their partner and what it says about their relationship. Is it normal? Does it mean that they no longer want their partner? Is it a sign that the current relationship is faltering? Would it increase the chances that they will cheat on their partner?

You may think to yourself that if fantasizing about other people was harmful, then not many relationships would survive because so many of us do it. This increase in frequency of fantasies about alternative partners, which people may experience at times over the course of their relationship, may satisfy the need for novelty and variety without threatening the relationship. Some claim, though, that fantasizing about other people makes relationship difficulties more salient, further exacerbating their dissatisfaction. So, which is true?

To clarify this question, let’s return to our fictitious couple, Jim and Skyler. In the evening, while folding the laundry, Skyler had this fantasy:

“I’m lying in my bed in a completely darkened room. Suddenly, I feel that someone is taking off my clothes. Two hands are touching my body, stroking me softly. I’m enjoying myself. I’m not sure who is touching me and that may make me enjoy myself even more.”

In this fleeting fantasy, the identity of the partner is deliberately unknown. It might be Jim, but it seems rather unlikely. If Skyler had wanted to fantasize about Jim, she would have done so without needing to hide his identity. It is the ambiguity about the partner's identity that makes this fantasy so exciting for her. After all, she can have fun with someone other than Jim without feeling as guilty. But how would Skyler treat Jim after experiencing this fantasy? Would she desire him more because her sexual curiosity was aroused? Or would this fantasy make her realize what she needs in her relationship—mystery and tenderness—and that she is not getting it, intensifying her frustration with Jim?

When we turn to clinicians, we learn that they generally agree that guiding partners to generate arousing sexual imagery may spice up a sex routine they might have fallen into and promote relationship happiness. They disagree, however, as to whether fantasizing specifically about other people acts as an aphrodisiac that increases sexual desire for one's current partner. Some argue that psychologically removing current partners from sexual scenarios, and replacing them with other people, changes the focus from shared intimacy to individual personal gratification and thereby weakens the emotional connection between partners. For those who perceive these fantasies as mental infidelity, they may arouse insecurities that have detrimental effects on a relationship. Other clinicians see such fantasies as an opportunity to ease the tension between the conflicting needs for security and separateness typical of long-term relationships. By fantasizing about other people, partners can feel less stifled by too much togetherness, having the sense of freedom needed for experiencing desire without acting it out in the real world.

Of course, we don't want to rely on anecdotal evidence or clinical impressions only to learn whether sexual fantasies improve or impair romantic relationships. That's why it was necessary to run another series of studies. In these four studies, my colleagues and I explored how sexual fantasies about either the current partner or other people impacts the relationship of the fantasizers.

In the first two studies, we asked individuals in heterosexual, monogamous relationships to fantasize sexually about either their partner or someone else and then to describe this fantasy. After describing their fantasy, participants indicated their desire to have sex with their partner, as well as their desire to do something that would make their partner happy. We found that participants who fantasized sexually about their partners expressed a greater desire to engage in sex with these partners and to do something that would make them happy compared to participants who fantasized about other people (as well as compared to participants who fantasized about non-sexual activity with either their partner or someone else).

And, indeed, people behaved more nicely to their partner after fantasizing about this partner, as demonstrated in the last two studies. Specifically, romantic couples kept diaries for several weeks, with each partner recording in detail every fantasy they had about their partner or someone else. On each day, participants also recorded their perceptions of their relationship, rating how strongly they agreed with statements such as, “I feel doubts about my compatibility with my partner,” and their relationship interactions, such as whether they complimented or criticized the other partner.

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We discovered that when participants fantasized about their partners, they viewed the relationship in a more positive light and acted more nicely the next day, engaging in behaviors that improve a relationship, such as complimenting partners and expressing affection toward them. Participants were also less likely to behave meanly toward a partner after fantasizing about them, expressing less criticism, for example. When the participants fantasized about someone else, they weren’t unkind to their partners the next day, but they didn’t behave better toward them, either.

Taken together, these studies show us that the rewarding aspects of fantasizing become associated with the partner and the relationship, coloring them in a more appealing light and making them seem more valuable. This enhanced appeal, in turn, motivates partners to further invest in the relationship. What is the takeaway? Even if you are not satisfied with your relationship, fantasizing about your partner will boost your happiness together. And so, even if you feel too lazy to have sex, you can still reap the benefits by simply fantasizing about it. But don’t forget to include your partner in at least some of your fantasies.

Watch my TED talk on why humans make sex so complicated here.

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