Why Do Women Prefer Gay Men as Friends?

This post was co-authored by Elisha Sudlow-Poole, an International Exchange Student at St. Francis Xavier University.

Can men and women ever just be friends? A recent study published in Psychological Science has attempted to answer this question by exploring the differences in how friendships develop between women and men as a function of the man's sexual identity. In other words, they examined how friendship development varies based on whether a straight woman is making friends with a gay man or a straight man.

Past research has shown that straight women and gay men form close relationships due to an apparent increased willingness to engage in intimate conversations¹. Some have suggested that this may be because straight men and women are perceived as having less in common with each other compared to straight women and gay men². This explanation, however, is based on the stereotypical assumptions about gay men and femininity. Consequently, researchers at the University of Texas explored an alternate potential explanation: Straight women may develop friendships with gay men more easily than they do with straight men, because when interacting with gay men, the necessity of worrying about whether the potential friend will seek to gain sexual access to them has been removed from the equation³. In other words, concerns about miscommunication over sexual interest may make straight women more hesitant when interacting with straight men.

Women imagined themselves in a waiting room where a male stranger began to strike up a conversation with them.

Source: Pexels

To explore this issue, the researchers examined whether a woman’s awareness of a man’s sexual orientation alters her feelings of comfort with that man, and, in turn, if this changes the quality of conversational interactions⁴. Two studies were conducted. The first asked women to predict their levels of comfort when engaging in hypothetical conversations with men. Participants were asked to imagine sitting in a waiting room with a male stranger who initiated a conversation with them.

Initially, women provided ratings of how comfortable they would be interacting with this stranger based on a generic scenario in which they were unaware of the hypothetical man's sexual identity. Participants were then presented with a second scenario in which they were asked to imagine that during the course of that same interaction, they learned of the man’s sexual identity. Participants again indicated how comfortable they thought they would be while continuing to interact with the man after learning of his sexual identity (either gay or straight). In addition to providing ratings of comfort at each stage of the scenario, the women also indicated the extent to which they would feel anxious about the man’s sexual intentions, as well as anxiety about not having anything in common with the man.

As the researchers had predicted, the results demonstrated that women anticipate being more comfortable interacting with gay men versus straight men, largely due to the removal of concerns related to the man’s sexual intentions. Women reported feeling more comfortable when they found out that their hypothetical male conversation partner was gay, rather than straight, and this association was explained by their reduced anxiety about the man’s sexual intentions.

To explore whether women’s responses related to hypothetical scenarios would play out during real-life interactions, the second study brought women into the lab to participate in one-on-one interactions with male strangers. In particular, the researchers wanted to know whether awareness of a man’s sexual orientation would influence the degree of intimacy in subsequent verbal and nonverbal communication.

When women found out they were interacting with gay men, their body language became more engaging and intimate.

Source: Pexels

The women reported greater comfort levels when interacting with gay men compared to straight men. However, these effects changed based on a woman’s level of perceived attractiveness, such that only women who rated themselves as being more attractive reported increased comfort while interacting with a gay man. Additionally, women’s actual behavior also shifted after learning that they were interacting with a gay man. They were more intimate, positive, and engaging, orientating their bodies towards the man, and their conversations lasted longer.

Ultimately, the researchers concluded:

"Explicit knowledge of a man’s sexual preference not only increased a woman’s comfort with a gay man (vs. a straight man), but also affected the degree to which the women (particularly attractive ones) were willing to engage with the man on a more intimate level” (Russell et al., 2018, p.13-14).

This novel research provides insight into the development of friendships—both those between straight men and women, as well as gay men and straight women. In particular, it appears that anxiety and concern over a straight man’s sexual intentions serve as a barrier that slows the pace of intimate friendship development between straight men and women, while the removal of this anxiety paves the way for women to quickly develop trusting and intimate friendships with gay men. Thus, with respect to the original question of whether men and women can ever "just be friends," the answer may hinge on whether that man is gay or straight. If he is gay, the friendship will develop more quickly and be facilitated by the woman’s reduced anxiety over his potential sexual interest, and she may engage more openly and intimately. If he is straight, anxiety and concern about his sexual intentions will delay the development of a trusting and close friendship, perhaps, in some cases, even indefinitely.