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Key points
- Talking privately to ourselves is very common.
- Noticing the qualities and characteristics of your internal dialogue can be helpful.
- The way your different parts relate to each other can affect your well-being.
Can you relate to the idea of talking to yourself? Do you ever become aware of your internal nattering? Are you able to recall, for example, telling yourself to try harder, or to stay calm, or to finish this drink and go home, or to finalize that project with the looming deadline?
The experience of communicating in some way with your “self” is very common. At various times, people try to coerce or cajole themselves into getting a particular result or pursuing a certain course of action.
Shaping the “self” you use to get through life is big business. Self-help is a major industry that supports authors, coaches, mentors, and all manner of other helpers. The way we talk to ourselves is an important aspect of various self-help approaches. Self-talk is a topic about which much has been written and studied. In all the inside, private yabbering that we do, the sense of a “me”, an “I”, and a “self” is very common.
Ironically, the most common approach by far in the self-help arena is for some person with recognized cleverness to tell other people what worked for them on their self-betterment quest with the idea being that what worked for one person will work for others too. It’s ironic because following someone else’s advice doesn’t really seem to be in the spirit of self-help. Maybe that’s why taking up someone else’s suggestions is seldom a satisfying solution for very long.
Have you ever found yourself muttering, to no one but you, things like: get on with it; don’t quit; face my fears; it’s no big deal; suck it up; build a bridge; I’ve got this; chill out; back off; or…I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea.
Do you ever wonder, when this kind of inner dialogue is going on, who is talking to whom?
In all this ordering about, what is your sense of the “I” who is directing the show? What qualities and characteristics does your “I” have? What tone of voice does it use? What word would you use to describe “I”?
What about the “self” that is being directed or bossed around? How would you describe the “self” of you who makes it all happen?
You might have spotted the assumption I’m making here that it is “I” who is in the director position. That’s because it seems to be the case that it’s always “I” who is doing the telling. It would seem a bit weird to say, “Self just tells I to get on with it” or “Me just tells I to face I’s fears”. But why not? Why does “I” have this apparent position of authority rather than “me” or “self” or even just “Tim”?
How is it for you? What comments would you make about the relationship between your “I” and your “self”?
When I reflect on it, it seems pretty straightforward to think about my “self”. I can describe how the “self” that is Tim seems to the “I” that is Tim. (And notice that it’s “I” doing the describing! There it goes running the show again.) It’s a bit more puzzling, though, to describe the Tim that is “I.” Who or what would be doing the describing?
Even jotting down these ideas becomes something of an adventure. As I’m typing these words (there’s that “I” again), I’m struck by one puzzling idea after another. I’ve just noticed I have a wry smile on my face as particular thoughts reveal themselves in my mind and strike my fancy.
By the way, did you notice how many times “I” has been appearing in these sentences and paragraphs? “I” is definitely not shy! “I” also likes to take credit for things. Notice that “I” was the one doing the typing and, yet, to get the typing done, “I” tells “self” to not make so many errors, to put a comma here, some quotation marks there, and so on. So, it actually seems to be “self” who is doing the typing.
Maybe even more important than the qualities of your “I,” “self,” and “me,” and perhaps also more important than the things they do, is the relationship between them. When your “I” is telling your “self” what to do, have you ever noticed the tone of voice that is used? Is it stern and bossy—Will you just get on with it? Maybe it’s frustrated and dismissive—Can you ever do anything right? Or is it encouraging and admiring—Yes, yes, you’re getting it. There’s nothing you can’t do.
Does “I” see “self” as a little champion who can get through anything? Maybe “I” even thinks that no self-help is needed because their “self” is great just as it is. Does your “self” know that your “I” has its back and will never stop supporting, encouraging, and cheering on its efforts?
The multitude that each of us is may well be one of nature’s most astounding accomplishments. The extent to which your multitude is striving for the same outcome and pushing in the same direction is key to lasting contentment and well-being. Whenever there is bickering and unrest, getting to the source of the squabble might help with a speedy resolution and the return to a more harmonious life’s journey.
