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Relationships
When Boundaries Backfire
Five clues for when a boundary may have been taken too far.
Posted August 20, 2021 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- No two boundaries are created equal: They can either be healthy or lead to more hurt feelings.
- There is often a generational component to how people relate to boundaries.
- Setting healthy boundaries requires embracing nuance and honest self-reflection.
If you’re on social media at all, chances are you’ve seen your share of posts advocating the benefits and necessities of setting solid boundaries. And this topic has a rightful place in top trending conversations around mental health— there is a lot to be said for having healthy boundaries in our relationships.
There is much research that shows the benefit of boundaries: They can strengthen our bonds with others, increase our feelings of self-worth, and are a conduit for working through trauma. I talk about boundaries frequently on my own social media (see Instagram, @dr.leahkatz)—and those posts often get the most likes and shares.
Often there is a generational component to how we feel about the concept of boundary-making. If we have trouble with them (either setting or respecting them), we often don’t have to go far to understand the origin of our discomfort. Many people who weren’t raised with a value placed on having healthy boundaries tend to spend energy in their adult lives figuring out what healthy boundaries look like—and how to set them. It takes time and courage to practice boundary work when this is not a language you grew up with.
We all know a person we deeply respect and admire for their ability to skillfully set boundaries. (Pause for a moment here: Who is this for you? It’s good to have role models.) And, on the flip side, we know the person who misunderstands boundaries and how to set them, leading to more hurt in their wake.
What defines the difference between the two? And how can we keep ourselves on the right side of the fence?
It takes a good dose of honest self-reflection and awareness to understand how we are doing with boundaries. And, with that said, here’s a good rule of thumb: When the boundary reflects overly rigid thinking and behavior, is poorly communicated (or not communicated at all), leaves others feeling in the dark or confused, you may want to evaluate both the boundary as well as the mode in which it was communicated.
No two boundaries are created equal.
So, when do boundaries backfire? When do they do more harm than good and miss the intended mark of creating interpersonal closeness and personal integrity?
1. When they are not communicated.
When we are making changes in our relationships, or how we intend to do things in the future, it is important to communicate this to the people it will affect. It can feel easier to set a boundary than to talk about what we are doing and why we are doing it. And that makes sense because having hard conversations are, well, hard. They take courage and confidence, and a gamble on how the other person will respond.
Without the necessary communication, though, we forgo the possibility of creating more authenticity in our relationships. Confusion and resentment are likely to build. Next time you know you need to set a boundary, make sure it’s being communicated in a timely and skillful fashion.
I have seen families and relationships break apart because of the consequences of poorly communicated-—or not communicated—boundaries. Communication is almost always a good thing, even if you believe the other person will not hear you. There is an inherent benefit to self-advocacy—it’s a way of affirming our worth and getting our needs met. (Of course, you know best if this person is not a safe person to communicate with).
2. When they are overly rigid and fail to take on other people’s perspectives.
Healthy boundaries can serve two benefits: They protect us and preserve our relationships. But, they become murky and dangerous when they are overly rigid and don’t consider the needs or feelings of others.
This is not to say to put other people’s needs over your own. Martyrdom is not healthy. However, oftentimes we find ourselves in more complex dynamics with the people around us—family, close friends, even the people we work with—that entails perspective-taking and allowing ourselves to also see things through another person’s lens. Pausing and reflecting on someone else’s reality is not only more empathic, but it’s more accurate. This doesn’t preclude setting the boundary; it just adds nuance and authenticity. All good things.
Similarly, most people are not all good or all bad. It is rare that we need to cut family out of our lives completely (though there are definite times we need to do this). If your boundary is linear, you may want to rethink things or speak with a mentor. It could be a sign you are getting too concrete in your thinking.
3. When we notice a pattern of one-sided thinking around our boundary-making.
Taking the last point one step farther: Now might be a good time to take a little pause and contemplate the boundaries you have set in your recent history. Are they one-sided? What feedback have you received from others (paying attention to patterns of feedback from other people can be valuable information)? Are you considering the needs of others? Have your boundaries hurt people that are dependent on you? It’s important to be honest with ourselves and our patterns—not as a way of beating ourselves up, but as a way of keeping ourselves honest and evolving human beings.
Have you noticed a pattern in other people reacting poorly to your boundaries? Pattern is the operative word here. Pay attention to your patterns— they tell us a lot about how we are functioning in the world. It’s one thing if one or two people have trouble with the boundaries you are setting (it’s normal to have some people push back or not get your need to set them). And it’s another when we notice trends that involve several people giving us feedback that our boundaries are too stiff.
4. When they are set from a place of dysregulated anger.
We don’t think our clearest when we are feeling intensely angry. When we are feeling flooded with an emotion, we lose much access to the part of our brain that makes us uniquely human—the part of us that is able to think things through, plan, and get perspective. If you are feeling intensity in your feelings, let them simmer, and set the boundary when you are feeling regulated and in your body. Chances are, setting them from this place will help you be more skillful, assertive, and effective.
5. When they are a replacement for you doing your work.
Sometimes, it is easier to frame an issue as being about someone else and forgo personal accountability. It can feel simpler to say, "This is not my issue, and so I will set a boundary." When this is an accurate statement, that’s great, but we can run into problems when instead of doing our own reflection and work (i.e., learning to be more flexible or tolerant or understand how we might be contributing to the issue), we go straight to boundary-land. Boundaries are necessary but are not a replacement for making sure we are bringing our healthiest selves to the table.
Setting a boundary is a complex thing. Boundaries are necessary to feel good. They can also backfire when not done with intention, are entirely egocentric, are created from a dysregulated place, or are driven by a desire for oversimplification.
