The Illusion of Popularity

What images and feelings come to mind when I ask you to think about the middle school cafeteria? Think about it; go back in time. For me, I can feel the jitters that were present almost two decades ago as I scanned the (what felt like a) jungle but was actually just rows of tables with different cliques of people. Why was there such heavy importance on where to sit, and more importantly, who to sit with? Middle school was when I realized that there were “popular kids” and then others, and there was a perceived hierarchical structure of who was “cool" and who was not.

When I was in middle school, there was a “popular” group of girls, who I vividly remember being very cliquey, gossiping a lot, and not friendly to others outside their group. Now, as an adult, I would define popularity very differently. As I am approaching the age of 30, someone who I would consider popular would be friendly and well-liked—someone I would actually trust and feel accepted by. As a therapist who works with adolescent clients, I hear similar narratives with regard to a “popular group"—that they are “mean,” “bullies," and “exclusive."

Middle school is the perfect storm of the beginning of adolescence, with an increased importance on social acceptance and growing pressure to attain social status. Interestingly enough, when I think back to myself at this age, I remember wanting so badly to be in the popular group. I cared immensely about wanting to achieve this social status. On the other hand, I have a sister who is one year younger than me who never cared about being popular. She will admittedly say that she was not even close to being in that crowd, but she was happy with her small group of shy friends. Supportive peer relationships in adolescence have been shown to buffer adolescents from negative outcomes (Tanzer et al., 2018). I was always secretly envious of her carefree spirit in middle school and her lack of desire to fit in. Although she was bullied, she had a tight-knit group that stuck by her side.

Research on popularity amongst teens has found two different types of popularity. There is “sociometric popularity," which describes a well-liked teen who is “fun and kind." On the other hand, “perceived popularity” is defined by teens that hold social power but are usually disliked by others (Damour, 2016). The research found that the “well-liked girls” are not considered to be popular, and the girls who are actually considered popular are often not well-liked and may be considered to be bullies (Damour, 2016). According to Damour, adults are hopeful that girls who are “mean" would be “shunned by their peers,” but that “unfortunately, the opposite tends to occur" (Damour). Additionally, adolescents are hypersensitive to peer rejection, and it has been shown that adolescents are even more likely to take health and legal risks in order to avoid being rejected by their social group (Andrews et al., 2021).

Here is where I want to add the significance of being influenced by peers in adolescence. Research has more so focused on negative social influence by peers in adolescence and risk-taking behavior. Because adolescents are highly susceptible to peer influence (due to their increased neurobiological sensitivity), peers should also be able to influence prosocial behavior (Telzer et al., 2018).

The beginning of adolescence is a time period focused on building peer relationships and attaining social status, and acceptance into a group is paramount (Duarte et al., 2015). What are the consequences of how popularity is perceived at this age, and why is it of elevated importance? I am incredibly passionate about this specific age group with regard to self-esteem, self-acceptance, and friendships. I just started a self-esteem and social skills group for middle school girls that I find incredibly valuable. My goal is to create a safe environment for the girls I work with to express themselves, explore challenges with this age group, and connect with each other. Adolescents are sensitive to social influence, and this can be helpful when wanting to guide them to more “prosocial behavior” (Telzer et al., 2018); for example, standing up for a friend who is being bullied.

An increased reliance on peers for social support comes with added pressure to attain social status (Espelage, 2002). Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, shared that “it’s no coincidence that the concept of popularity gains traction at the exact moment when girls pull away from their own families” (Damour, 2016). I wish that I had been more inspired by my younger sister, who was more focused on close friendships than on her social status. I was intrigued by the popular crowd and ended up getting bullied, as well as not having as many close friends that I felt accepted me as I was. Close friendships in middle school have also been shown to be a protective factor for youth who have been bullied (Schachter, 2021).

To conclude: the knowledge of adolescent brain development, particularly when involved in peer influence and the importance of fitting in, is highly important to be aware of. There is also research that supportive friendships in adolescents are helpful and shield adolescents from the negative outcomes of bullying. Strong friendships can also enhance self-worth in adolescence (Schacther et al., 2021). The middle school girls empowerment group I started, entitled “Glowing Girls," serves to fit the needs of positive social connection and positive peer influence during a highly malleable and impressionable time.