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Key points
- People who have been betrayed in the past may become quick to respond to potential betrayals to protect themselves.
- They may try to control other people and situations, but unmet expectations can reinforce the idea that others are not to be trusted.
- Strategies to build emotional resiliency include being mindful of the source of one's feelings and being aware of other people's intentions.
You’ve been hurt. You’ve been betrayed. It makes sense to never want that to happen to you again. Your brain forms a neural network to be able to quickly detect any future danger, and in this case, betrayal. If someone disrespects you, lies, doesn’t keep their word, you will be quick to respond. Your gut reaction is to protect yourself, not trust them, and hold a firm boundary.
Nonetheless, the irritability and pain remain. Why doesn’t it go away?
One issue is that now that you are aware of betrayal, you will see it. And maybe see it even when it is not really intended as a betrayal. Your protective system is efficient. So you will perceive more potential betrayals and this increased frequency will reinforce your concerns about betrayal, thus concluding, “See, I can’t trust anyone.”
Secondly, it is impossible to rid the world of anyone who has or could betray you. The strategy of “cross me once and you’re done,” may sound like an efficient strategy, but it could also get rid of a lot of good people that did not intend to cross you in the first place.
The question is about discernment. When is it healthy to end a relationship, and when is it pre-mature, and then potentially restricting your life? Is that person truly disrespecting you? There are certainly behaviors that are deal breakers in relationships. Nobody should be abused. It is up to you to consider what those lines are and how realistic is it for others to adhere to your rules.
Let’s consider some examples:
Abby was very clear about what she expected in her relationships. She even typed out a list of expectations so her new boyfriend would know exactly "what was and what was not ok with Abby.” At first, she was pleased with how attentive he was to her list. But as time passed, he was not able to adhere to her demands. She was confused, disappointed, and felt betrayed. She said, “But, I gave him a list!” However, just because it was clear to Abby, it is not easy for someone else to try to alter their behavior. With time, he expected her demands would relax because, “she should know that I love her,” and he believed, “if she loved me, she would trust me.”
In this example, both Abby and her boyfriend had expectations, beliefs about love, and wanting the other person to modify their behavior. The conditional statement of “if you loved me, you would modify your behavior” is a setup for disappointment and not necessarily about love. It’s about trying to control the other person’s behavior.
Here is another example:
John and Mary agree to meet for coffee at noon. John arrives at 11:40 to secure a good table. Mary is running late and arrives at 12:12. John is furious. He feels disrespected. He questions her about her arrival time and she said she had a meeting prior and it ran late, and she thought they were ok with noon-ish as a meeting time. He said she was a liar because the time was noon. He then starts a cognitive chain reaction. “If you can’t keep your word, then I can’t trust you, and if I can’t trust you, then we can’t be friends.” He stands up, ends their friendship, and leaves.
Some may think John had a reasonable response — after all, they had an agreement. But was John really responding to Mary or to his own expectations? In his head, he believed, “if Mary cared about me, then she would be on time." He erroneously linked these two separate behaviors together, Mary’s caring, and her timeliness. John’s upset fueled his emotional thinking that ignited a cascade of thoughts leading to the ultimate decision to end the relationship.
Since Mary is out of his life, then he protects himself from ever feeling hurt again.
Or does he?
Unmet expectations are not always a sign of betrayal
The problem with this response is that it assumes the source of hurt and upset is external to him (it’s Mary). This only reinforces John’s belief system that others can’t be trusted, and makes him more irritable, distrustful, and hurt.
However, what if the source of the hurt is really inside of John? In a way, he hurt himself when he had expectations of how Mary should be. When she didn’t show up that way, he was very upset. There are many other reasonable responses that could have happened. Maybe John could have taken a book with him, or read a newspaper, caught up on emails, or simply enjoyed a few minutes to himself. Maybe John could have called to see if Mary was lost or if she was still able to meet?
It is disappointing when plans do not work out. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that Mary was betraying John. She may be very fond of John and was looking forward to the meeting.
On the other hand, Mary could have called to let him know she was running late. She was stressed because she knew she was late. She was frantically looking for a parking place and then ran into the café. She didn’t have time to put on her lipstick. She assumed, “if John loved me, he would understand.”
Everyone in both of these examples wanted the other person to extend compassion and grace. And yet, they were not able to or willing to give that level of understanding to the other person. These examples highlight that just because person A wants this and person B wants that, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are not cared for. It just means they are focusing on their own needs and unmet expectations.
Building resilience by examining expectations
The next question is, how do you build resiliency when you don’t get your needs met? Here are strategies:
- Be mindful of the source of your feelings. Have you felt this way before? Are you responding to the present or to something from your past?
- Be aware of cascades of emotional thinking. Just because you feel something does not necessarily mean that it means more than that. It is just a feeling.
- Be aware of other people’s intentions. Is the other person trying to hurt you or are they dealing with their own issues? Consider what the other person is going through and try to see it from their point of view.
- Stay present and open to the here and now. Allow things to arise and unfold as they are without judging based on your expectations.
- Evaluate. Take a moment to calm yourself before you respond. Notice your thoughts. Then as best you can, try to consider the scene as an objective observer. What are the motives and agendas of each person in the scene?
Life shows up. One thing I can guarantee you is that life will not be how you expect it to be. There is a saying, “expect the unexpected.” This helps build flexibility and resiliency to approach situations and people as they are, not as you want them to be.
