What to Do When You Couldn't Say Goodbye

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It is an emotionally challenging experience to suddenly and unexpectedly lose a loved one without having the opportunity to say goodbye.

Some people do well and don’t need to say goodbye. Others experience prolonged grief and can benefit from finding a way to say goodbye after their loved one has died.

I am one of those people who needed closure and what I did had an unexpected consequence.

My personal story

I was five when my mother told me that my grandmother, who was taking care of me every day, would never come back. “She went to heaven,” my mother said. I remember how shocked I was. How could that be? My grandmother had been taking care of me from the time I was born, giving me the unconditional love, affection, and attention I so craved. Did I do anything wrong? How could I live without her? From that day on, my life changed drastically because my parents, who were both working full-time, hired a nanny to take care of me.

As a result of losing my grandmother early, I had always felt a craving for love and affection like a well that can never be filled. This all changed when, years after my grandmother died, I managed to fight my fears and found the courage to tell my grandmother a final farewell.

That day, I placed on the floor two pillows facing each other. I decided that the beige and black pillow represented me, and the white one represented my deceased grandmother. I sat on the beige and black pillow, breathed deeply, and looked at the white pillow.

Suddenly, all my feelings came back and speaking aloud to the white pillow representing my deceased grandmother, tears came when I said how much I missed her touch and her unconditional love. I thanked her for taking exemplary care of me for the first five years of my life. I suddenly felt the urge to grab the white pillow and hold it against my chest, tears flowing out of my eyes.

Then, I put the white pillow back on the floor and sat on it. Taking the role of my grandmother, looking at the beige and black pillow, which represented me, I brought my grandmother back to life. Thanks to my imagination, I talked as if I were her. Through my voice, my grandmother told me how much she loved me, how much she was sorry for abandoning me so suddenly, how much she would have cherished living longer and watching me grow. She reassured me that I had done nothing wrong. It was just that her body suddenly gave up on her. She told me she knew she was always with me in spirit and would be with me for the rest of my life.

It was like something clicked in my brain. I felt a huge wave of relief. I switched back to sitting on my beige and black pillow, grabbed the white pillow against my chest again, and said thank you, tears rolling down my cheeks. I stayed there for what seemed to be an eternity but was probably just a few minutes.

I thought I would be sad from the experience, but it was the opposite. I had managed to feel my grandmother’s intense unconditional love again and I could now take that feeling with me. I felt my heart grow bigger and beat stronger. I felt submerged by a deep sensation of inner peace. I had been loved and cherished for the first five years of my life and I could never be alone again because that feeling of love my grandmother gave me would always be with me from now on.

In wanting to get closure, I opened my heart again. In letting go, I held tighter. In saying goodbye, I managed to say hello. In trying to express sadness, sorrow, and grief, I found inner peace and serenity. In wanting to close a chapter of my life, I reopened it in such a way that it fit perfectly in my present and in my future.

I am not the only one who suffered from not being able to say goodbye and who benefited from saying goodbye after my loved one died.

What studies show

Studies show that family members who could not say goodbye are at a higher risk for complicated grief, characterized by persistent longing, difficulty moving forward, and a significant impact on daily functioning [1].

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Other studies emphasize how unresolved farewells can complicate grief, leading to prolonged grieving and sometimes resulting in feelings of guilt and anger [2].

Indeed, the unexpected death of a loved one and lack of closure can increase uncertainty about the future and feelings of lack of control over life. Studies have shown that uncertainty and lack of control can lead to anxiety and depression [3][4][5].

As far as being able to say goodbye after a loved one dies, studies show that people saying goodbye and saying it well experience more positive affect, fewer regrets, and easier life transitions [6]. It is important for people to say goodbye in a way that is meaningful to them [7].

But how do you say goodbye in a meaningful way?

Among others, here are 10 creative, out-of-the-box ways to say goodbye and get closure after a loved one’s death:

Ten creative ways to say goodbye

1. Use two pillows or two chairs: One way to say goodbye is to do as demonstrated above. Under the supervision of a psychologist, use two pillows or two chairs, one representing yourself, the other one representing the person you need to say goodbye to. Sit on one pillow/chair and talk aloud to the other pillow/chair, then switch positions.
2. Write a letter: Writing a letter directed towards the person you want to say goodbye to and keeping it with your precious papers can also be very helpful.
3. Write a poem: Write a poem to or about your loved one.
4. Write new lyrics: Create a new song with lyrics expressing your feelings.
5. Create a new score: Play your favorite musical instrument and create a new score inspired by how you feel.
6. Create a dance: Innovate and create dance moves that reflect your mood.
7. Create a drawing or a painting: Use colors and shapes that reflect what you want to say.
8. Use visualization: Visualize your loved one hugging you, then getting into a hot air balloon, waving goodbye as the hot air balloon gets higher in the sky, or visualize your loved one staying with you, if this works best for you.
9. Join a bereavement group: Remembering loved ones together and sharing feelings with the group can be incredibly powerful and therapeutic.
10. Create your own unique way to say goodbye: Create a way that is none of the above but a way that works perfectly just for you.

Conclusion

When a loved one has passed unexpectedly and we didn’t get to say goodbye, some people will do just fine while others will need to find ways to get closure. The ten ways to say goodbye described above can decrease the risk of anxiety and complicated grief, and can allow the opening of the next life chapter with inner peace and fulfillment.

Because having the courage to say goodbye often allows us to say hello.

© Chris E. Gilbert, MD, PhD 2024, all rights reserved.

To help you say goodbye to a loved one, find a therapist near you by consulting the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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