When Your Beloved Is a Narcissist: Four Core Themes

The narcissist’s uncharitable traits, including superiority, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy, are becoming more widely recognized. Narcissists are known for being charming initially — but their toxic traits soon surface.

But what is it like to be in a relationship with a narcissist and how can you heal? These were the primary aims of a small study conducted by psychologist Nayera Mohamed Shousha of the Cairo University and The British University in Egypt who sought firsthand accounts from people who had the misfortune of the experience.

To pursue this inquiry, Shousha recruited 27 women, aged 24-54, who had been in a verified relationship with a narcissist for at least a year. Participants were located in private Facebook groups like Victims of Narcissists and Let’s Come Home. Twenty-four online interviews were conducted via Facebook Messenger, with follow-up chats and three in-person interviews for clarification.

The results were striking. Shousha found that the participants’ narratives yielded four themes, mapping onto an arc from experiencing abuse to recovering from it. A summary of the results is provided below.

Theme 1: Abusive Experiences. This theme refers to multiple facets of narcissistic abuse and manipulation, and is broken down into two sub-themes:

Aggressive Behaviors. Most of the participants experienced distinct forms of aggression, including physical, psychological, and verbal. One respondent remarked: “He never said sorry, and he always hurts me intentionally. He feels victorious when I burst into tears or get upset. Also, he tried to ruin my reputation.”

Gaslighting. More than half of the participants reported being gaslit by their partners. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where victims are manipulated into doubting their own thoughts, feelings, and memories, often leading individuals to question their sanity. One participant shared:

"When I found sexual chats with other girls on his mobile phone, I asked him about these chats. He told me, 'You should see a doctor because you are hallucinating. I would never cheat on you. I love you and respect you.' I actually believed him. He made me believe I was wrong. He seemed so honest.”

Theme 2: The Perception of the Narcissist as an Abusive Partner. Seeing their partner as abusive grew out of the participants' experiences, and reflects their views about their character. Nearly all of the women reported that their ex-partners were selfish, self-centered, manipulative, self-important, manipulative, abusive, lacked empathy, and believed that they were envied for being unique and special. They also stated their ex-partners were highly critical, great actors, attention-seekers, demons, vampires, dominants, infallible, liars, exploitative, noncommittal, neglectful, aggressive, cheaters, and duplicitous.

Theme 3: The Negative Impact of the Narcissistic Relationship. This theme refers to the psychological and social fallout of the relationship with the narcissist. Nearly all participants referenced the adverse consequences of their narcissistic partners, especially after breaking off the relationship. When it was over, the women came to understand that they had been victims of abuse. This realization led to both psychological and social repercussions. One woman reflected: “After leaving him, I felt depressed and lost my sense of self-esteem. I always blame myself and am so afraid of what tomorrow may bring.” Of note, several participants reported that the negative consequences lasted between six months and a year after they left their relationship.

Theme 4: Resilience After Quitting This Relationship. The fourth theme highlights how women rebuilt their lives after leaving abusive partners. Some sought help from professionals, others leaned on social networks or spirituality, while some regained confidence by developing new skills and abilities. Consider one participant’s healing journey:

I tried to get to know new people, tried not to be alone, and read books, reminding myself all the time that I made the right decision. I escaped. I am trying to find my love for life, sleep well, and accept myself with no regret or blame. My best therapy is to get him out of my life for good, not getting in touch with him ever again. I am trying to get close to God and accept how things turned out to be. This helps me accept my life.