Why Are Meaningful Adult Friendships So Hard to Come By?

Meaningful adult friendships have been a topic with couples in my practice over the past few months. Sometimes feelings of being let down by friends and family as well as by their partner emerges as a theme; other times both partners are frustrated with the lack of meaningful relationships they can build with others.

As a relationship therapist, I find that friendships can be as dynamic as romantic relationships. Aside from seeing couples, I work with many individuals who are focused on building or navigating their friendships. On several occasions, friends or roommates have even been brought into the counseling sessions to work on such issues.

Friends

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Friendships differ in two key ways from romantic relationships:

Absence of sex and romance

The absence of sex and romance affects the intimacy level in our friendships. We may feel less close, trusting, or connected in our friendships. Romance adds a feeling of excitement towards someone as well as motivates the actions we take to court our partners.

Couples find more romance in limerence, the constant thoughts and desires to be with someone typical in the beginning of a relationship, but they also put in the effort to build and grow romance throughout their relationship. Friendships don’t involve the same feelings or courting process.

We may have a connection initially and spend a lot of time together in friendships, but such relationships aren’t based on physical attraction.Perhaps the physical attraction of romance motivates people to put more effort into such relationships or leads to building a physical connection. Many couples theories note the importance of sex and intimacy in building and maintaining connection (Mallory, A. B., 2022). Many people find that having a sexual relationship with their partner deepens connection and intimacy. There is no equivalent behavior in a friendship.

No commitment or labels

We usually don’t make a formal commitment to our friends or label the seriousness of a friendship to others. I find that without commitment or discussion about the nature of the relationship, people put less effort into their friendships. When couples encounter trouble in the relationship they reach out for help, read articles and books, and make time to work on their problems. With friends, conflict is more likely to end things or be ignored; rarely does it bring people to therapy (Vieth at al, 2022).

People seek romantic relationships to have a life partner and dating is an intentional expression of that shared goal. Most friendships are formed organically through meeting someone in the natural course of school, work, daily routines or through engaging in a mutual interest; rarely do friends meet intentionally through a matching app or by being set up by other friends.

Especially when done formally as in marriage or publicly on social media, the commitment couples make to each other drives the desire to improve things and work through conflict. Without a mutually communicated commitment, friendships don’t get the same dedication. Friends can go weeks without talking or months without seeing each other and pick right back up. That would be a problem for most people in their romantic relationships.

Although people face difficulties in maintaining meaningful friendships, friendships are very important developmentally. They foster mental health, development, and resiliency ( Güroğlu, 2022). They stimulate the brain's reward system, motivational processes, and the self-mentalizing process of individuals.

A study (Fiori et al, 2020) that looked at the significance of friendships later in life found that the importance of friendship has been increasing over recent years compared to family relationships. They note that what builds friendship includes the social opportunity for it, the time and energy available to invest, and individual capacities and motivations. Those same three elements play a big role in the development of friendships throughout adulthood. If one side of the friendship lacks any of the three elements, the whole tends to feel not very deep or connected.

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Understanding the impediment to meaningful adult friendships has helped my clients understand why friendships end when boundaries are implemented. It explains why people quietly quit their friendships or ghost their friends, seemingly to just disappear. It also helps bring closure when a conflict cannot be solved.

What remains hard is that friendships, although wanted, are so difficult to find. I’m constantly asked how people can make friends as an adult. The question is especially relevant now that so many people are working from home and do not have the social encounters bound to occur in the workplace.

Here are some strategies my clients have tried:

• Using friend-finder apps like Bumble BFF
• Meetup.com ( a website where people find and join groups with common interests to meet up to do things, whether running, reding books, or wine tasting)
• Social media groups (groups targeted to finding friends in your area or special interests in your area like a local hiking group)
• Joining local clubs, sports, gyms, or attending classes in the community
• Social clubs (usually found in larger cities)
• Friends of friends.

Whatever strategy you choose, you have to put yourself out there to Initiate conversations, engage, and invite people you like to connect again. It takes work and can feel similar to dating, at least in the beginning. Once you’ve spent more time with someone you can communicate about needs for a friendship.

Meaningful friendships are similar to romantic relationships in the sense that both rely on communication to build connections and work through tough times.