Do You Take on Too Much Emotional Labor in Relationships?

Exhaustion

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The term emotional labor, when applied to relationships, can be about all the things done in an emotional or mental capacity in the relationship. As a couples therapist, it’s something that comes up frequently in sessions but often the client doesn’t have a label for what they are experiencing.

Some examples include:

• One partner does all of the meal planning in their household, having to think of creative meals to feed everyone and planning out a grocery list every single week. It gets tiring and can feel like an exhausting task when their partner doesn’t help.
• Doing the work for the relationship like planning date nights, initiating discussions of conflict, seeking out therapy, finding childcare to enable time alone together, or acknowledging anniversaries.
• Being emotionally supportive of a partner when they experience stress or a traumatic event—listening to them talk, offering comfort, and validating their experience.
• Being the one to navigate conflicts with extended family or to be emotionally supportive to children.
• Being the one to initiate apologizing and conflict repair.

This becomes an issue in therapy when things feel unbalanced. I hear, “I feel like I’m the only one doing this” or, “I am putting in way more work than you." Often this work goes unnoticed by the other partner because it isn’t physical labor or something one can tangibly see happening. The partner not sharing the load may also minimize the amount of work it is if they haven’t had to take on the majority of that work before. Couples then often get stuck in a pattern of one-upping in which they keep listing the things they do and take care of. I often have to remind them to reflect on what they are hearing before they respond.

Research (Mary 2018) reveals that women often shoulder more of the burden of emotional labor in heterosexual relationships. Fay (2011) found that women often feel more exhausted by their emotional labor. I do notice this as a trend among the heterosexual couples I see. Women may be better at noticing these things and taking on the role—or it may be a societal expectation that women try to live up to.

The research also found that those who engage in more emotional labor than their partners experience more mental health difficulties: They report higher levels of stress and elevated rates of depression and anxiety. Taking on more of the mental load can leave a partner feeling more exhausted emotionally and more sensitive to outside stressors.

The research also found that relationships had higher satisfaction when partners shared the emotional labor; they reported less conflict, better communication, and more intimacy. I find it is helpful for couples to express their feelings and needs as well as expectations about the roles they take on. Couples that talk about these concerns are less likely to fall into patterns in which one person feels burnt out from taking on too much. Many evidence-based couples researchers theorists have found that open communication is a vital element of happy relationships, including John Gottman and Sue Johnson.

Tips for talking about emotional labor in a relationship

• Set aside uninterrupted time to talk about the balance of emotional labor in your relationship.
• Take turns sharing your contributions with each other. While listening, make sure you can reflect back what you hear.
• Ask for your needs in a positive way; shape it as a request, not criticism of your partner.
• Read a book together that covers the topic of emotional labor and have a discussion after each chapter.
• Share how you may have noticed emotional labor was split in your family growing up.
• Create shared goals by using compromise to meet both of your needs.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.