The Lifelong Shame of BFRBs

As I approach the age of 50, I am grateful to be able to say that less than half of my life was dominated by the urge to pull out my hair—and by the shame I felt for being unable to stop.

By my late 20s, after being part of a trichotillomania support group for years, I was able to (mostly) overcome the impulse to pick my eyelashes bare. Even more importantly, I grew to realize that I truly had nothing to be ashamed of. But I am among the lucky ones.

Of all the effects of body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs)—the possibility of dangerous infections from nail-biting, scarring from skin-picking, and long-term baldness from hair-pulling—shame is often the most debilitating. It warps how we see ourselves and the opportunities we allow ourselves to pursue. All over the world, millions of us live deeply inhibited lives due to feelings of shame about having a body-focused repetitive behavior.

Here are a few examples of women who have spent a lifetime hiding their disorder.

Emily, age 37: “I guess you read about that college president a while back who was making obscene phone calls from his office and got fired. You won't believe this, but when I heard about that I thought, ‘I'm sicker than he is because I pull out my hair.’ Whenever I read about someone whose life was ruined by scandal, whether it was about sex, money, or some other thing, I would feel more ashamed.

Why would I think that? It’s simple. Everyone knows that people get in trouble because of sex and money, that's just human nature. But I had never heard anything about anybody who ruined their life by pulling out their own hair. That's how I felt for almost 30 years while I tried to keep my humiliating secret. I was in deep trouble for something that I had to hide, and I felt like an alien—the only one of her kind that did this awful thing to herself.”

Paloma, age 40: “You want to know about shame. Shame is my middle name. I've lived a life in the shadows, like some skulking creature that dares not come out in the daylight. I used to love to read, but I began to have vision problems after college. Get glasses, right? Not me. I had eyelashes and eyebrows missing, so you think I'd get under those bright lights when they fit you for glasses? Instead, I hardly read anymore.

I got married to a nice man. He really loved me. When somebody loves you, you tell him even your darkest secrets, don't you? Not me. I hid the missing hair on my eyes, head and bikini area from him for almost a decade before he found out my secret. How did I hide it from my own husband? You don’t want to know.

When you get pregnant you need prenatal exams to make sure everything's okay, don't you? Not me. Do you think I'd let doctors and nurses see my patchy pubic hair in that bright examination room? No way. And forget regular gynecological exams. I took my chances even when I was bleeding in a way that scared me.

Now that all seems so crazy—to risk your health, your child’s health, your relationship, and your happiness to hide the fact that you pull out hair. But that was the story of my life.”

Fatima, age 44: “I am very wealthy and well-educated, and people tell me that I am beautiful. That is because they don't know what is under my wig. Under this expensive wig, I am bald, with some patches of my own hair. I knew from an early age that my life would not be as I had dreamed it. More than anything I wanted to marry someone who I loved and who would love me. But that was never to be, and I knew it.

You see, among my people, when a man introduces the woman he wants to marry to his family, it is traditional for the women of his family to closely inspect the teeth and hair of the prospective bride. That tradition alone, and the humiliation it would cause, made it impossible for me to face the prospect of engagement. I think it is too late for marriage now, but I would still like to have my hair.”

Embarrassment Essential Reads

3 Ways to Cope with Cringe Attacks

Humiliations Galore: Surviving, Perhaps Thriving?

***

Shame is the most insidious, and also the hardest symptom of BFRBs to overcome on your own. My driving hope is that young people today who experience body-focused repetitive behaviors, including skin-picking and nail-biting disorders, will get the help they need, sooner rather than later.

If you are in your 30s, 40s, and older, I want you to know that it is never too late to come out from the shadows, admit that the problem is more than you can handle alone, and find a community of support.

For people who feel shame about their BFRB, joining a support group can be a great way to start sharing your experiences. Most major cities in the U.S., and some smaller ones, have volunteer-led meetings. Online support options are also available. View this national directory of BFRB support groups to find the nearest to you or visit the Psychology Today therapy directory.

Talking about your pulling, picking, or biting, however shameful it feels, is the first step toward improving your life.