How My Narcissistic Mother Affected My University Years

Source: Photo by Andrew Neel from Pexels

I was born and raised in the Netherlands, a small country in Western Europe, in a small town. The town offered all amenities to serve the little agricultural and rural villages around. Nothing too exciting or special. If anything, quite depressing and narrow-minded.

And dark.

With lots of woodlands.

I guess that’s why I am not a fan of forest areas. It brings me back to the past.

From an early age, I knew something wasn’t right in the family I grew up in. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was only a few years ago that I realized how dysfunctional my family was, thanks to my narcissistic mother.

When I reached the age of 18, it was time for me to go off to university. In the Netherlands, students did not live on campus but had to find their own living space. Usually, in a house that the landlord rented out separate rooms or, as in my case, a room in a family home with the use of the kitchen and bathroom.

Independence, at last.

Freedom, at last.

But it wasn’t as straightforward as that.

Even though I left ‘home’, I was still very strongly influenced by my narcissistic mother.

1. Guilt

The guilt pill had been fed for many years. About me being more able and having more fun than my brother with learning difficulties. About me being selfish, spending time with friends instead of with family. And now, being a student, about the money I needed from my hardworking father. And it was expected or better, coerced to return home each weekend to be there for my brother and parents. After all, I had a fun life as a student and they needed a bit of lightness, which only I could give them.

The obligation to visit them each weekend was forced by money. If I went ‘home’ I received my allowance for the week in cash, plus travel money. If I didn’t go 'home', I didn’t get anything. It is a typical power tool for narcissists to ensure they get their needs met.

2. The critical voice

My mother’s voice was in my head regularly. The strongest when I was playing with boyfriends, discovering the joy of sex. During those moments, I could almost feel her presence in the room. Looking dismissive, angry, and even disgusted with me. Not being in her presence created a sense of freedom, but she actually appeared in my scenery as soon as I had a good time. After all, I didn’t deserve anything good to happen to me. The feeling of not being good enough and deserving anything good stayed with me for years and was the result of the continuous criticism I had received from a very young age.

3. Not being able to think

During discussions between students, I wasn’t able to voice an opinion. Most of the time I felt uncertain and fearful and a flow of thoughts (like I can have nowadays) didn’t happen. I couldn’t think. I could only listen. And I felt huge insecurity inside.

I had stopped thinking years before. Whenever I thought and came up with great ideas or honest opinions I was shut down by my mother. It made me realise that I was better off to not think and just go with her flow. Being shut down was very painful and by not thinking I avoided that experience.

4. Conflicting values

My values always have been and still are around empathy, respect, kindness. However, the values of my parents were mistrust, disrespect, heartlessness and when I told stories about my life as a student, it became clear how conflicting our values were. It made me feel uncomfortable at ‘home’, I stopped sharing my stories and felt lost. Not being able to be a grown-up individual yet, I also felt lost in the student community.

I started to become aware of the indoctrination I had been exposed to and how I felt differently. But I wasn’t yet able to recognize what exactly had happened. Only that I felt very strongly about what was right for me. Now I know, it was the mismatch of values that prevented us from ever getting any closer.

5. Taking control

Feeling lost in uncertainty, I discovered a way of taking control of myself and my life through eating. Or better said, overeating, fasting, and obsessing about calories and my weight. I know now it’s called bulimia. I controlled the intake of food with laxatives, which meant I had regular days in my student room as I needed to be close to a toilet.

It went on for 22 years.

The obsession with planning meals and going over the food intake I had in the last two weeks took up a lot of mental space and energy. It also helped me to avoid facing the pain of what was going on for me in my family.

Light at the end of the tunnel

My life changed when I left to go to university. But it took years to become my own person, to get rid of the ‘noise on the line’ that was put there by my mother. But in the end, I became a well-rounded, balanced, and resilient woman, who enjoys life to the full. I know that if it wasn’t for my upbringing, I wouldn’t have the depth I have now. And that is something I am very grateful for.

Narcissism Essential Reads

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What Happens When You Leave a Narcissist

If you recognize your experiences in those above, you are most likely carrying somebody else’s energy in your system. This will prevent you from being the authentic person you could be. And it might be helpful to consult a professional to work through a process of letting go and finding yourself.