Resentment toward the alcoholic-still after all these years?

I have been working with Candace on and off for several years. Initially she came to me in an effort to try and regain some control over her life as her alcoholic husband was doing just the opposite. Eventually they went their separate ways as she was getting nauseous riding this roller coaster up and down through so many twists and turns with no positive end in sight.

She checked in with me the other day confused as to why she was thinking about him after several successful years of abstinence. Though not actually missing him, she was saddened over what was once a fun, exciting relationship and then marriage and now was history due to continued addiction issues and somehow today, Candace was churning inside with unearthed resentment.

I asked her what might have awakened this sleeping giant and she told me that sitting in temple for the Yom Kippur holiday service she was overcome with emotion as she and her husband (though he was not Jewish) would attend together, hold hands and be one in spirit and love. It was a nice, calm experience they shared and now she attended alone. She went on to report that the service focused on the importance of family; not only in a community way, but that family was really all we had at the end of the day and it was important to forgive, forget and move on.

What added to my clients feeling of loneliness and resentment is that she does not have a very kind or respectful relationship with her family of origin and even her daughters are grown and have in essence gone their separate ways. So, her husband had become the bigger than usual cog in the family wheel.

When we processed why she was still resentful after all this time, her eyes got both dewy and cold and stated that he and he alone was responsible for the end, as the love for his alcohol was greater than his love for her. She would say that she didn’t divorce her husband because she fell out of love with him, but that she just couldn’t share her life anymore with another entity that she had no chance in winning. Another woman would have given her a fighting chance, but the pull of alcohol was an impossible race for her to win.

Resentment doesn’t come as a single main course, but is usually accompanied with several side dishes of anger, sadness, frustration and a deep rooted disappointment and pain that never seems to totally heal.

So what are some of the triggers that might contribute to our walk down memory lane and in doing so awaken the foe that slumbers in the land of resentment?

• One of your five senses experiences something that evokes a favorable memory of your time together.

• We see someone that used to be an intricate part of your life when you were happy before your lives as a couple were starting to unravel.

• Holiday’s, parties and festivities are a biggie especially if we attend solo.

• Loneliness. We wouldn’t be lonely if the alcoholic hadn’t made life unbearable.

For years, my client was successful in shedding her resentment toward her former husband, but she can’t control her emotions all the time. Knowing that she was once a happy couple and content with life is difficult to just shrug off and say “Oh well” forever.

As a counselor and a spiritual person, I have learned and been strongly advised to let go of my own resentments toward others as they just end up causing heartaches not to mention upset tummies. But that’s easier said than done and I have instead owned my resentment; faced it head on and admitted I was resentful and that for the moment it was just part of my emotional baggage. I would not let it interfere with other friendships or tasks that needed to be done, but it was where my head and heart were at, at that particular time. Though my resentments may never dissipate totally, I keep them in a healthy check and count on them to keep me honest with my feelings and to not backslide into going to a place again that I might regret in yet another hopeful go around with the alcoholic.

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So when my client asked me what to do about her resentment and how to get past it, I told her to embrace it, not to shut it out, but treat it like a wounded pet that needs love, time and care to pull through an illness or injury. In short order, she would feel whole again and this would prove to be just a bit of a speed bump on an otherwise smooth road.

No one wants to shoulder resentment as it’s a very heavy burden; but don’t try too hard to make it go away either. Live your life, trust your instincts and do lots of personal check ins and one day you will realize that resentment has crawled back into the deep, dark cave that it usually hibernates until something or someone wakes it with a tickle or a loud clap.

If I can be of service, please visit my website www.familyrecoverysolutions.com or call (805) 695-0049. In addition, I invite you to explore my book Reclaim Your Life – You and the Alcoholic/Addict at www.reclaimyourlifebook.com, PayPal or on Amazon. In addition, my book is available as an audio on my website only.