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Relationships
How to Deliver an Ultimatum
Making a demand? Have a concrete plan, and stick to your bottom lines.
Posted July 12, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- At some point, a person may reach their bottom line in a relationship and need to deliver an ultimatum.
- The key is to come up with clear message and plan—what needs to change, and what are the consequences if not.
- Delivery is about giving notice; have a non-emotional conversation with clear expectations and timelines.
You’ve tried being supportive, firm, and clear but are still frustrated. There’s a small change for a few days or weeks or no change at all, and you’ve reached your bottom line. It’s time to put your foot down, issue that ultimatum, and put these problems to rest once and for all.
We all have our bottom lines and are capable of reaching some tipping point: Your child is not cleaning their room though they promise to do so; your adult child is still languishing in your basement and has not made any headway finding a job; your partner is not following through helping out with the kids after work or is drinking too much though you’ve told him how and why it bothers you. Though the topic and situation may vary, the emotional strain and the need for some final decisive action are the same.
But taking that nuclear option and issuing that ultimatum can be overwhelming; it is your one shot to get your message to finally stick. Here are some guidelines to help you do what you’ve got to do.
Have a clear, concrete plan.
You already know that a frustrated rant at your child, your basement dweller, or your partner, who you see sitting on the couch while you’re scrambling to make dinner, doesn’t work. Your yelling and threatening only ignite some argument or a shutdown that goes nowhere.
Though your frustration is understandable, those periodic emotional fireworks are usually unproductive. Instead, step back and have a clear plan. What is the one thing you want the other person to do in a concrete way?
The key is being concrete: What does cleaning your room mean? What’s your biggest gripe about your basement child—that they’re never coming out of the basement, not trying to look for a job, or not getting one? Is it about your wanting your partner to help with cooking, initiating helping with kids, doing more chores around the house, or simply cutting back on drinking because you worry about their health or because it colors your relationship? Pick one or two needs; avoid the laundry list of ten.
What’s your next move? What are the consequences if they don’t comply? What is your own timeline for expecting change? What are you going to do if nothing changes?
Your child needs to pick up the stuff on the floor before they go out on Saturday to play with friends; your adult child will start paying rent or move out; your partner will put the kids to bed, clean the bathrooms, or make a sincere effort to reduce drinking.
Give them a heads-up and pick a good time to talk.
Most folks don’t do well thinking on their feet, especially if the other person is feeling frustrated—they get defensive and push back or shut down. Instead, give them a heads up—say you want to find a time this weekend, not now, to talk about how you’ve been feeling, or say the same in a text or an email. This gives them time to react without emotionally over-reacting. Then, agree on a mutual time for both of you. If they don’t respond, pick a time you think will work best and let them know—Saturday morning when the kids are at soccer, Sunday afternoon during baby’s bedtime.
You meet: Talk about your problem in those concrete terms.
Right now, the problem is yours—the room, the unemployment, the need for help or drinking. Talk about soft emotions—your feeling stuck, your worry, your fears—rather than anger and fed-upness; skip the long lecture about why this is so important.
Expect blowback; hold steady.
Even with the heads up, expect some arguing about whose reality is right, excuses, and anger. Expect it and let them vent. Don’t get in the weeds of details—“you said, I said” from past conversations. Hold firm on your bottom line.
Consider possible legitimate concerns.
Your child feels you are always picking on them more than their sibling, or they want more time with you. Your adult child says they are depressed and so haven’t been applying for jobs. Your partner says they feel like you are constantly critical and never appreciate what they do, or they are under a lot of pressure at work, don’t have the energy to help in the evening, and are drinking to deal with the stress.
Offer to help them with their problems.
If, on reflection, this seems plausible, take what they say at face value; say you are willing to help with those problems. You’ll spend more individual time with your child; you ask how you can help with your adult child’s depression or help them with job applications; you ask how you and your partner can work together as a team or help them be less stressed besides you leaving them alone.
You’re cutting a deal: I’ll help you with your problems, but I need you to help me with mine. It’s not either/or. Stick to your bottom lines; agree on timelines to see if your plans work and create concrete change.
Take decisive action.
You put your head down and work your side of the equation: If changes happen, great. But if nothing changes, go to Plan B—give your child clear consequences for not cleaning their room; give your adult child a solid timeline to move out; say to your partner that you will go ahead and find a couples therapist.
Expect guilt and wavering; get support.
Because you are likely going against your own grain, expect to feel some guilt or doubt whether you are doing the right thing. That’s OK. Get support from friends and family; seek professional support to help you continue to move forward and keep your focus on your ultimate goal.
You’re not trying to be an ogre but to solve a longstanding relationship problem. The ultimate solution is often ultimately about being clear and decisive.
If not now, when?
