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Key points
- Having trouble committing to relationships is not the problem but a way of coping with underlying anxiety.
- Some of the common drivers are having different priorities, power struggles, unresolved relationship problems, and past trauma.
- The key to moving forward is defining the underlying problems, honestly addressing them, and deciding on clear bottom lines.
Rachel and Jack have been in an exclusive relationship for two years. They have talked on and off about getting married and their visions of the future, but frankly, Rachel is feeling impatient. Every time she broaches the subject of moving forward, all she gets from Jack is vague, mumbled, “I’ll think about it,” or “I don’t want to talk about it now.” Seems like Jack’s got commitmentphobia.
While for Rachel and Jack, the issue is marriage, for other couples, it may be about different levels of commitment—going exclusive, living together, etc. But like most problems, what seems to be the problem is actually a symptom of another underlying problem. What’s the “something else” that Jack’s struggling with? Here are some possible underlying drivers:
Different pacing and priorities
Jack is committed to Rachel and can envision a future with her, but not right now. It’s not about her but about him and where he is in his life. Maybe he wants to finish grad school or feels he needs to prioritize his job for the next year until he can get a promotion; then, he’ll have more time and headspace to create the type of relationship he ultimately wants. Similarly, Rachel has her own priorities—she’s acutely aware of her ticking biological clock, fueling her impatience.
Different views on marriage
This is about values and perspective. While Rachel has always assumed she would be married one day, Jack never has. He’s OK with living together, but the societal view of marriage isn’t for him. He’s a free thinker and is adverse to getting married just because he should.
Unresolved couple issues
Rachel and Jack get along great most of the time, but Jack has seen Rachel’s temper flare up a few times, and it was enough to scare and worry him. Or he thinks that she is a spendthrift, and he’s not. Or sex is OK but not great, but he doesn’t say anything about it because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Or, bigger picture, he cares for Rachel, but is she the one? Maybe his soulmate is still out there somewhere.
Locked in a power struggle
Jack is feeling pressure from Rachel and his parents, which he resents. He responds by digging in, turning into the equivalent of a passive-aggressive, rebellious teen. They are both locked in the power struggle, a blinking contest.
Different expectations of everyday life
While they both talk about the future and seem to have the same overall goals on the big stuff—jobs, kids—there’s a fear that post-marriage, everyday life won’t be quite so compatible. Maybe Jack envisions some loss of freedom or worries that couple-time means snuggling on the couch and watching Netflix together for 3 hours. Not what Jack wants.
Lessons of the past kicking in
Perhaps Jack was married before and went through a hellish divorce, or as a child, he watched his parents, who stayed together but were constantly fighting and miserable. Or he lived with someone else before Rachel, the relationship suddenly blew up, and he’s still not sure why. But the takeaway for him is that relationships are destined not to turn out well. This is about Jack and his past.
Obviously, one or several of these factors can be in play. The key is determining and addressing the underlying problems. Here’s what to do:
1. Start talking.
Rachel and Jack need to have an honest and open conversation about what’s driving his indecision and the overall state of their relationship. If Jack is committed, but it’s about pacing, Jack needs to help Rachel understand his thinking and give her some timeline. If it’s about views about marriage, again, say more, but is there some compromise—a smaller wedding, a ceremony that is comfortable enough for each? If it’s about pressure and power struggle, label it and call a halt.
If it’s about Jack and his past, he needs to figure out what he might need to get closure and realize that the past does not automatically predict the future. Here’s where some individual therapy may help. If it’s about everyday expectations, drill-down and clarify them.
2. Fix the problems.
And if it’s about ongoing reservations about the relationship or each other, now is the time to get them on the table—time to talk about the sex or anger or Jack’s passivity. But equally and ultimately even more important, they both need to talk about talking—the fact that they haven’t already had these conversations is a big red flag. They need to talk about what they each need to feel safe and be honest. And if that’s difficult to talk about, they need to consider couple therapy so they can.
3. Decide on bottom lines.
Finally, they both need to individually define their bottom lines. Rachel needs to decide how long she is willing to wait; Jack needs to determine whether he needs to follow his fantasy about a soulmate, and Rachel needs to decide if that is something she can tolerate. Both need to decide how and how much they are willing to work on problems and what are their criteria for success: At what point do they say they’ve tried hard enough or that what they have is good enough?
Difficult but important decisions.
What they don’t want to do is to keep doing what they’re doing—treading water.
