Embracing "Yes, and" to Enhance Connection

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As a clinician who works with couples, I often find myself providing psychoeducation on the importance of staying present and connected, as well as responding to bids for connection. Regarding the former, one of the ways that I practice staying present, and also engage in my own self-care, is through improv. The art (and science) of improv also provides valuable lessons for the clients I work with, which can promote growth and enhance their relationships.

Accepting Influence: “Yes, and”

“Yes, and” is considered by many to be the guiding principle of improv. A player will accept and then add onto the suggestion/offering of another player. This enables the players to stay in the scene and work with one another to construct a shared reality. For example, if a performer were to come onto the stage and say, “What a beautiful day to go for a hike,” the other improviser would take it further and perhaps say, “Yes, it is! I’ll go fill up our water bottles.” This helps to build connections between those on stage. If, on the other hand, the improviser rejected the offer and said, “No, it’s not. It looks like it’s about to rain,” the individual who provided the offer has been turned down, thereby ending the scene. This prevents opportunities for forward movement or growth. In order to accept influence, people must rely on their partner, trusting both them and the process.

Researcher and improviser Clay Drinko, the author of Play Your Way Sane, notes that “Yes, and” doesn’t literally mean always saying “yes,” but rather going along with someone else’s ideas (Drinko, 2021). This is because agreement between partners in and of itself has no forward movement (Dohe & Pappas, 2015). Rather, by using the principle of “Yes, and,” you build on the previous idea, move the group forward, and continue to develop the scene.

Connection to Relationships

“Yes, and” connects to emotional bids, or requests for connection, which play an important role in relationships. These bids can include verbal or nonverbal messages and are attempts from “…one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection” (Brittle, 2015). By responding to your partner’s bid, you are emotionally attuned to them. An example of a verbal bid would be a person explicitly asking their partner to spend time with them. An example of nonverbal bid would be a person making a move to hold their partner’s hand.

“Yes, and” also connects to the constructs of affirmation and validation. Affirmation, similar to “Yes, and” is when one person agrees with the other. Validation, on the other hand, is the acknowledgment of a person’s feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and experience (Linehan, 1997). Both affirmation and validation are involved when creating a scene and accepting the influence of your partners.

The Application

When working with couples who consistently miss one another’s bids, I will often have them engage in a simple “Yes, and” exercise.

One partner will begin by saying, “Let’s go to the _______ so we _______.” They may choose to say, “Let’s go to the store so we can buy clothing for your boss’s retirement party.” The more specific, the better. Their partner will have to begin each sentence with “Yes, and.” The first partner can begin the conversation by saying anything, but the second must always begin with “Yes, and.” An example is below.

Person A: “Let’s go to the store so we can buy clothing for your boss’s retirement party.”

Person B: “Yes, and we should also get him a present.”

It’s also helpful to switch out the “Yes, and” with “Yes, but,” which tends to be the default state many of us find ourselves in. By doing this, people can usually feel the difference between responding to their partner and shutting their partner down. It is also helpful to debrief afterward so that each person has an opportunity to share how the experience went for them. Having them feel the difference between building and dismantling the connection can have a profound effect on how they relate to one another.