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September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. As a therapist, I have worked with children, teens, and adults who have all struggled with anxiety, depression, and self-harming behaviors. Suicide is a real possibility for my clients. Actively preventing suicide must be an everyday priority, not one month of awareness.
Many years ago, in a community I work closely with, a high school student committed suicide. It was heartbreaking and left an open wound that rippled through the community.
During a speaking engagement with parents following the tragedy, I remember a woman who was very distraught and quiet throughout most of the event. When someone asked, “What do we do if our child shares with us that one of their friends stated that they want to kill themselves?" the woman began to cry. Her daughter had come to her a few days ago and had shown her a classmate’s social media posts — threatening self-harm. The woman said that she did not take action, saying that it was probably nothing and none of their business.
The dilemma of whether or not to speak up in such situations is quite common. I am often asked by teens and adults: What do I do if I am worried about my friend’s mental health? Do I confront my friend? Do I tell my friend’s parents? Do I speak to the guidance counselor? What if they get mad at me and never speak to me again? What everyone has in common is worry and care for their friends, which is made complex by the difficulty of not knowing if they are overstepping or out of their lane.
The woman at the parent program continued to share that her daughter is upset and angry with her because the classmate had tragically taken their life a few days after sharing their thoughts online. The woman stood up and turned to the rest of the parents in the audience and begged:
“Please, please do not stay quiet. I should have listened more. I should have discussed with my daughter the actions we could have taken. I should have done something and everything to help save someone else’s child.”
It is better to be safe than sorry. There is no room for hesitancy or fear of crossing boundaries as personal and difficult as it may be to confront the person at risk. I always share the story of the woman at my parenting and teen programs, because her advice is important. It is not our job to fix the problem, but it is our responsibility to be proactive and guide people towards the help they need.
All parents should listen to their children and work together on a strategy to assist the friend in need. In that context, however, we are parents first. Solutions for these issues include offers to reach out to the child-at-risk’s parents, contact school administration, including the principal, guidance counselor, and/or the nurse. If there is an immediate threat, do not hesitate to call 911. Your children should not have to consider these issues alone.
If you know or hear of someone at risk, listen to their words, and read their posts. Carefully. Don’t ignore warning signs, and remember that many at-risk people ask for help in different ways. Be sure to show up and remind them that you are here for them and that you are able to help them. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention advises that if a person says they want to kill themselves, you need to take the person seriously, stay with them, and help them remove any lethal means. You should also get additional assistance by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or text TALK to 741741 to speak with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line for free. Finally, you should escort them to your local mental health services or an emergency room.
I worry that many teens are putting too much of their emotional turmoil on their friends and followers. It is very easy to share thoughts on social media and the internet. It is overwhelming for kids. They need you, to listen and help them through their problems. Many parents have little idea of the amount of dark, disturbing, and violent content their children consume. I urge you to engage with your children and have more serious conversations, so they can see that they have a place outside of social media to communicate and heal.
In speaking with your children, ask questions such as, “Have you heard or seen kids posting about suicide? Do you ever see dark or depressing posts from people you know?” In addition, check up on how your kids are doing: “Do you ever feel sad? Do you post about your feelings? What are you looking for when you do that?” If they just shrug you off, share a story such as the one I shared above. Don't lecture, don’t threaten. Children are reluctant to share. Remember that open communication takes time and patience.
Feeling sad and even at times, hopeless is normal and even to be expected. However, suicide is not the answer. Remember that there are many people who can help including therapists, clergy members, or school counselors. As parents, we need to be there for our children, allowing them to understand that a helping hand starts right there in front of them — at home.
Resources
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
- If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call 911, go to the nearest emergency room, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center or text MHA to 741741 at the Crisis Text Line.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
