The 3 Keys to a Great Relationship—Starting Now

Janine and Ed sought me out because they hadn’t had sex in four months. They described themselves as “best friends.” They texted each other frequently throughout the day, sharing updates about kids and chores. But they were friends, not lovers. Janine rarely wore anything other than yoga pants, and Ed was more likely to kiss the baby than his wife. Not only was their sexual life at a complete halt, but they didn’t even flirt with each other. Janine and Ed needed to work on their passion triangle.

The passion triangle is the model I use to teach couples in my online Become Passion program how to create lifelong romantic and sexual passion. You want your relationship to be built on a strong, reliable foundation. If I’m looking to build a rewarding, passionate relationship, a relationship that becomes deeper and more connected as time goes on, then I want to build that on a very strong foundation—a triangle.

The 3 Components of the Passion Triangle

Thrill: The ineffable sense of excitement, interest, and attraction to your partner that you experienced when you fell in love, but that often fades.

Intimacy: A deep sense of knowing and being known that develops over time through shared vulnerabilities and deepening emotional connection.

Sensuality: The spectrum of romantic, erotic, and sexual connection between two people, from hand-holding to wild sexual delight.

The Three Keys to Passion

Source: (C) Dr Cheryl Fraser

If you are like Janine and Ed, you are strong in some areas of the triangle and weak in others. But if you want sustainable passion and connection, you need all three sides to be strong. Now, let’s begin by examining each side of the passion triangle a little more deeply.

Thrill

Imagine you are seated at a table in your favorite restaurant, waiting for your partner. You’ve just returned from a week away on business, and you have missed them terribly. As you sit there scanning the sidewalk through the window, searching for them among the crush of people hurrying home from work, you feel an edge of excitement. There is an aroused quality as you seek your beloved’s face. When you spot them, there is a small rush of thrill in your body and emotions. It’s unsettling in a delicious way. That’s what I’m talking about in terms of thrill.

Do you feel that titillating anticipation of thrill these days? Or are you more likely to watch cat videos on your phone than scan the restaurant for the welcome face of the one you have chosen to spend your life with?

Intimacy

When I use the word “intimacy,” I’m talking about deep emotional connectedness and loving friendship. True intimacy is a sense of being deeply known by the other. To be known is to share your secrets, to reveal your best, and also to reveal the parts of yourself you are not proud of. In a deeply intimate relationship, you learn to trust that your partner will love and accept you no matter what. You don’t need to hide the fact that you have vulnerabilities and fears, and that you’re not perfect.

Real intimacy develops over time and through many shared life experiences. Intimate partners share multiple joys and sorrows. They are in it, to quote the traditional marriage vows, “for better and worse, richer and poorer.” As an awakened lover, you realize your partner is not responsible for your happiness. You make efforts to deepen and refresh the intimate connection between you by paying mindful and loving attention to your beloved as though you are still infatuated. You learn to see your imperfect partner and your imperfect relationship with clarity—and love them more than ever.

Sensuality

For the purpose of the passion triangle, when I say “sensuality,” I mean the entire spectrum of sensual and sexual energy that you feel within you and exchange with your partner. There are untold possible sensual delights. However, if you are like many people in a relationship, your sexual spectrum has narrowed to only a few colors. Perhaps in the beginning, you made love all over the house and nibbled on each other’s toes. And then life got busy, and Marriage Inc. took over. You know, the routine, tag-team partnership of two jobs, two kids, two busy people, and one neglected lover life. Your sex life became predictable, infrequent, or nonexistent. But you can change that. These teachings of the passion triangle will help you expand your sensual repertoire.

There are almost limitless ways that two hearts, minds, and bodies can connect in the sensual realm—cuddling naked to soul-shaking love-making. This sensuality can be present at orgasm and, just as importantly, when you are holding hands in the woods, and at every moment you spend together or apart.

Balance Your Triangle for Great Love and Sex

To have a fantastic long-term sexual and romantic relationship, all three sides of the passion triangle are vital. When they are out of balance, your relationship will suffer. You can end up with love but no lust, or excitement without connection. Yet when all three sides of the passion triangle are strong—wow. You feel accepted and known, and you feel alive and intrigued, and you are able to reveal your deepest sexual desires.

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Now, back to Janine and Ed. I tell them it’s time for them to take action and cultivate more thrill and sensuality. I coach them to send each other one sexy or romantic text a day. Janine tells Ed that she misses the guy who used to sweep her off for surprise dates—the manly, romantic lover under the sweet, gentle daddy. He says he misses seeing her in feminine clothes, looking pretty and sexy. Together, they come up with a plan for Ed to court her again—he will plan dates; she will dress up. They pledge to make one night a month an erotic date—they wanted to explore combining emotional intimacy with deep sexual desires. Over time, with commitment, effort, and a sense of play, this couple begins to strengthen the sensuality and thrill in their marriage and uncover the passion under the passivity. They learn that good things come in threes.

Excerpted from Buddha’s Bedroom: The Mindful Loving Path to Sexual Passion and Lifelong Intimacy. Reprinted with permission: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Copyright © 2019 Cheryl Fraser