Parenting Your Child to Build Resilience

It is painful for parents when their children struggle. All caretakers want to make things easier for young people facing hard times and yet also want to help them become more resilient. We believe that one way to accomplish both of these seemingly contradictory goals is by following the wisdom of older generations and ancient philosophers.

One day, Maggie, who was 10 years old, came home from school quiet, and she didn’t want her regular snack of pretzels and an apple. Her father, Lewis, told one of us that this was a stark contrast to the way she usually came off the school bus. He was unsure what to do since Maggie seemed remote, inaccessible, and shut down in response to his attempts to engage her. Lewis couldn’t figure out how to have her be more open with him and her mom, his wife, Cassia.

As we talked about it, while Maggie had always been chatty, Lewis realized that she rarely spoke about what she was really feeling. For the most part, she liked school and seemed comfortable. He couldn’t remember a time she had talked about being sad or angry—but, of course, she must have felt those things sometimes. Maggie and her 16-year-old brother Kyle got along well except when he would tease her beyond what seemed funny to her. When that happened, Maggie just turned and walked away rather than getting overtly angry or crying.

Naming Feelings

The ability to articulate what you feel is a crucial and basic part of human interaction. It often eases the feeling—if you name it, you tame it—and it is a major way we engage others so they can help us and so we feel less alone. However, it can make us feel vulnerable, and society offers mixed messages about it. On the one hand, some say showing what you feel is a strength: "lean in,” be open. Other people say that to show emotions is a weakness, is out of control, and is unappealing. We believe that it is essential to be able to let others know what you feel and that it is not an “all or none” way of being. There is a time and place for it and choosing with whom matters. We can raise our children with the capacity to do so as we also identify the role of self-control. We recommend conveying to your child that expressing what you feel helps you to connect with people. You can encourage them to try to do so while helping them learn how to choose optimal moments and people to talk with.

For Maggie, being at home after school, with no older brother around, and her dad inquiring gently and showing availability and compassion, would be a moment to let her feelings out. Ideally, her parents would have had conversations with her about its importance before the time it was needed. Whether that happened previously or not, here are some pieces of wisdom to support your child in saying what they feel.

Pieces of Wisdom

An elderly relative of one of us often said the very simple statement, “Better out than in”—a relatively light-hearted way to encourage expressing feelings. Another version of this that the same relative wisely offered while caretaking children was “Pain shared is pain halved; joy shared is joy doubled.” These are hopeful ideas to offer a child: that their emotional difficulty will be eased by talking about it with a caring person and that it helps to take joy in other’s happiness.

This can be combined over time with your demonstrating a perspective that puts difficulties in a new light. The ancient philosophers who promoted this notion were called Stoics. They did not advocate a “stiff-upper-lip” approach to life; their name actually came from the Greek word for the type of open marketplace where these philosophers gathered to discuss their ideas. The term came to mean unemotional came in more recent times and so, unfortunately, the ancient wisdom has been misconstrued. The ancient Stoics were emotional people who also saw life as having inherent difficulties that we learn how to handle. One of their key concepts is “The obstacle is the way”—in other words, when life throws us curveballs, we can see these challenges as a way to learn and to practice facing things directly even when they are hard. You would not be suggesting that that makes them easy or something to celebrate but that there is an upside to even the hardest of times.

When would you say these kinds of things? You could talk about how you yourself have found any one of them useful to you in times of emotional distress. Or you could bring them in while being with your child when they are upset but tight-lipped and inaccessible. Or you could point them out as you see them as they are depicted in children’s books and movies, as they often are.

We all want our children to thrive, and it is our wish to provide you with perspectives and tools that may help you and your child share the joys and the sorrows of life.