Mother's Day: Helping a Child at a Time Laden With Memory

Last year, 8-year-old Jack’s mother died after a long illness. It had been a hard year, and Jack’s dad, Roberto, was lonely, sad, and tired. Jack had been, too, but seemed in recent months to be freer, lighter, and more engaged in school and with friends. Recently, Jack came home from school in a now-unusual funk. After returning from work, Roberto sat down with him to see what was going on.

Roberto asked, “What’s up Buddy? You seem especially quiet tonight.”

Jack put him off, saying, “Nothing."

“You sure?”

“Yeah; I just want to go to bed.”

Roberto came in to see one of us the next day, puzzled and concerned. Talking it through, he recalled that he had gotten a notice to parents to have their child bring in some photos of their moms because the class was going to make Mother’s Day cards in two weeks. Suddenly Jack’s return to being like he had been in the first months after his mom died made a lot of sense. Our conversation explored how Jack’s ongoing grief for his mom intensified in the face of renewed focus on mothers by his teachers and his classmates. And we talked about how Roberto also might feel the absence of his partner to parent Jack with even more at this time.

We have heard from our adult and our child patients of how a seemingly celebratory occasion can stir deep feelings of grief. For a child whose mother has died—even years before—our national observance of Mother’s Day can activate painful feelings of loneliness, sadness, and being different than the other kids whose moms are alive. This can be true for a child who never knew their mom as well as for a child whose mom was living with them when she died. And these feelings can emerge several weeks before the event, such as the upcoming Mother’s Day, as the cues precede the day— stores are filled with Mother’s Day cards and gifts with big signs all over, and school activities revolve around it.

We want to offer support if you are in a role that involves taking care of a child whose mom has died. And we want to provide tips on how to handle that now and on the day itself as Mother’s Day approaches.

1. Be aware of what Mother’s Day activities your child will be around near the day itself—is there a classroom activity? Is the soccer team having a special snack? You can then think with the school or organization about how to manage this so that children whose mother is not with them are able to find an alternative activity or celebrate some other person in their life—such as an aunt, grandmother, their mom’s best friend, or their teacher. Or, if the adults around your child can be caring about it, your child could make a card or gift for their mom who died, in memory of her.
2. Check in with yourself about how this holiday might be stirring you as well. Has your own mother died? Or is she very ill? Or were you not able to know your own mom? Are you missing your co-parent? Allow yourself time and space to be with whatever feelings about this come up for you. Seek nurturance for yourself. This is essential in being able to be fully present emotionally for the child who is upset.
3. Explore with your child how the holiday is for them. You do not need to presume any particular reaction. You can just convey that you are aware that this might stir feelings and that this day is different for them than for those with a mom alive. Various feelings may arise—some, like for Jack, will be similar to what they felt soon after their mother died. Others may experience new feelings that have not come out before. Maybe they were very angry and withdrawn in the immediate aftermath of their mom’s death and now they are tearful and talkative. All feelings are natural and to be accepted including not much reaction at all. If your child is showing no renewed grief, know that this can occur, and each year may be different.
4. If you are taking care of siblings whose mother died, you may see them having very different reactions. We all experience these moments in our own way. They are not meant to be judged. Each is meant to be appreciated for how they make their way within their loss.
5. Have a plan for Mother’s Day itself. Providing structure in the face of her absence can be helpful to a child. That could involve participating along with others in a family gathering providing that others present can be made aware and mindful about what your child is experiencing. Or the activity could have nothing to do with Mother’s Day—you could go on a hike or to the movies.
6. Mother’s Day may prompt real upset and an upsurge of upset in other adults in your family. Speak empathetically with them. The goal is to be able to celebrate mothers present or absent on this day and for all to be mindful of what the children in their midst might be experiencing.

These national holidays are prompts to recognize the people in our lives. You can recognize someone who is living or who has died. We believe, and hope you can convey to a child, that people die, but love does not die.