What Do You Say When Your Child Asks if You Will Die?

Debbie’s father died, and her sons, aged 7 and 10, seemed as sad as she was. They talked about him as they baked his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies. A few weeks after the funeral, while they were eating dinner, her younger son suddenly asked her, “Will you die too, Mommy?” She felt overwhelmed by the question and was unsure how to answer. Debbie was particularly upset by the idea that her son had to worry that something was going to happen to her.

We often talk with parents whose families are facing a significant loss. This could be a loss in their child’s inner circle or in the world at large. Your children are inevitably experiencing losses near and far as they grow up. Because death will predictably happen, we believe in having straightforward conversations with your children about it, although the feelings generated may be difficult. Over many years of observation, we have found that these conversations build resilience and enduring connection when you are able to talk in an honest and compassionate way.

Such losses stir many feelings in all of us, whatever our age. Sadness, of course, as well as anger, numbness, and even relief at times. And a common one is anxiety. As a parent, you may worry about the safety or health of the people you love. But however the person or people in their awareness died, a child seeks a sense of safety and views you as their protector. For your child's primary concern is your well-being. While we are addressing how a child might best be responded to when their fear arises from a specific loss they know about, it is also part of every child’s development that they recognize that things live and die and may then wonder if it could happen to you, too.

If you provide ongoing openness and availability to whatever they feel, your children will be more likely to come to you with their questions. So, it helps to think ahead about how you will answer if you have the luxury of time. If, like Debbie, you are taken by surprise, we advocate that you at least give yourself some moments to reflect on what this question brings up for you before you answer. You can say, “That is a great question and I want to think for a minute before I answer you." Then you can think about what feelings arise within you and if this is bringing up times you faced loss in the past. Even just a few minutes can allow you to feel steadier in the conversation.

An example of how a parent could respond to the question, “Will you die?” in an honest yet reassuring way follows:

Child: Will you die too, Mommy?

Parent: I plan to live a very very long time. I take care of my body by eating healthy foods, doing some exercise, and getting good sleep. I also listen to what my doctor tells me."

Child: Okay, that’s good.

Two minutes later...: But, will you die?

Parent: One day I will die and you will be much older and you will be ready and you will not be alone. I hear that you have been thinking about this a bunch. Do you have any more questions?

Child: No, not now. Maybe later. Can we go to the park?

Parent: Sure, let’s go to the park after we clean up lunch and if you ever have any more questions just let me know. We can always talk about this more if you want.

What this example shows is that the parent is telling only the truth but doing so in a way that addresses their child’s underlying fear of losing them and being alone. Also, we are demonstrating that you keep the door open for any further questions, at any other time, since your answers may stir further thoughts for your child or corollary questions in their minds. And when your child signals that they have been in it enough, you take their cue and blend the conversation into the ongoing day. By taking the lead from your child, you address what is on their mind as compared with what you might be wondering if you were them.

By being calm and available as you talk about potentially scary things, you provide a sense of safety and reassurance.